U.S. — The National Football League is apparently working double time to win back its conservative fanbase by planning a Super Bowl halftime show with a Spanish-speaking man in a dress.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — According to several statements to the press, Democrats are outraged by the unprecedented political prosecutions of people not named Donald Trump.
PORTLAND, OR — Despite urgent pleas from the public to address the chaos unleashed on the city by radical leftist terrorists, the mayor of Portland downplayed the threat of Antifa and announced that the group that had just lit him on fire was completely under control.
SACRAMENTO, CA — Governor Gavin Newsom has reportedly been advised by his closest supporters to stop doing meth before posting on social media for the sake of his political career.
COLUMBUS, OH — Sources close to local man Jevon Willis say that the 28-year-old was tragically deprived of the opportunity to be moved by Vergil’s “Aeneid” because the classical masterpiece did not contain a character of exactly his race, sex, and socio-economic class.
ANN ARBOR, MI — To get ready for a political debate at the University of Michigan campus, local Democrat Fred Phillips headed down to the gun range to practice.
U.S. — Democrats sounded the alarm over Trump’s prosecution of former FBI Director James Comey, warning that the prosecution of political opponents could set a dangerous precedent for America’s democracy.
It’s official: According to the U.S. government, taking Tylenol is “not good.” However, this raises questions about how people should treat their headaches going forward.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump warned the public against chugging Windex and other off-brand window cleaners on Friday, causing millions of Democrats to chug Windex.
U.S. — The new memoir by the former vice president will include a revolutionary new feature, as publishers announced that Kamala Harris’s audiobook lets you pick which accent you want to hear for each chapter.
GAZA — Amid recent explosions of left-wing terrorism around the country, Hamas issued a rare public statement this morning to ask Democrats to please tone down the violence a little bit.
President Trump created a buzz yesterday by updating the White House’s Presidential Walk of Fame for historical accuracy, beginning with replacing President Joe Biden’s portrait with that of the autopen that did all his work for him.
U.S. — In a move to capitalize on the current heightened volatility of the political climate, one ammunition manufacturer unveiled a new giant shell casing with more room for left-wing terrorists to write out all their motives in detail.
NEW YORK, NY — While appearing on MSNBC’s Morning Joe, former Secretary of State and First Lady Hillary Clinton called for unity amidst the onslaught of political violence, saying, “We must all stop pointing fingers, as we all know the Republicans are to blame.”
NEW YORK, NY — While appearing on MSNBC’s Morning Joe, former Secretary of State and First Lady Hillary Clinton called for unity amidst the onslaught of political violence, saying, “We must all stop pointing fingers, as we all know the Republicans are to blame.”
People are always asking us: how do the writers at the Bee stay so hot and youthful? We decided to do the world a favor and give everyone a few tips on how you too can instantly become more attractive:
NEW YORK — Trump’s Tuesday speech at the United Nations Headquarters in Midtown Manhattan will officially be his last as he has announced plans to demolish the building and replace it with a tremendous UFC Arena.
TOPEKA, KS — As the congregation of Redeemer Church sang “Great Are You Lord”, the Holy Spirit patiently waited for the key change to hit before moving through the congregation.
