WASHINGTON, D.C. — In an update to make the party’s longtime insignia more accurate in reflecting its modern platform and constituency, Democrats unveiled a new logo featuring a donkey holding a sniper rifle.
U.S. — With President Donald Trump’s approval ratings showing signs of decline, former Vice President Kamala Harris dutifully stepped forward to launch a speaking tour to remind the nation why Trump was elected president.
NEW YORK — The President took time out of his busy schedule to go on a twenty-minute rant today about The Apprentice, describing it as a ratings disaster and “boring like you wouldn’t believe.” NBC was left with no choice but to bring the show back.
ATLANTA, GA — In a groundbreaking statement that seemed to do away with all previous data, a group of researchers from the Dog CDC announced that eating your own poo was completely safe.
SAN DIEGO, CA — According to sources, local man Chris Martin exhibited signs of delusional behavior last night as he continued to hold out hope that his favorite baseball team could still pull out a win despite being down by 7 runs in the 9th inning.
U.S. — A new popular trend was reported to be sweeping America in the wake of HHS Secretary Robert F. Kennedy’s announcement linking the use of a popular over-the-counter painkiller to a higher risk of autism, as pregnant women began downing Tylenol in hopes that their sons would start electric car companies and become billionaires.
U.S. — In the midst of an ongoing slander lawsuits regarding allegations that she was born a man, Americans are begging Brigitte Macron to please, please not send them photographic proof she is a woman.
MILWAUKEE, WI — In a dreadful act of willful disobedience, sinful rebellious homeschooler Jaxsyn Clement stayed up past 9:30 p.m. to read The Chronicles of Narnia.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Decades of fear were swept away for millions of Americans this week, as Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. announced that it’s actually fine to eat the stuff in the little pouch that says “DO NOT EAT.”
BURBANK, CA — What had been a week of upheaval in the late-night television landscape came full circle on Monday, as ABC announced that they were unfiring Jimmy Kimmel for offensive comments so they could instead fire him for not being funny.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Calvinism is reportedly in major decline after President Trump and Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. found the cure for autism.
ATLANTA — CNN’s full coverage of this weekend’s memorial service for Charlie Kirk was nominated for an Emmy after they referred to the emotional, patriotic service as “mostly hateful.”
OTTAWA, CANADA — In response to growing threats, Canada is pushing back against the Palestinian terror networks by employing a clever counter-terrorism strategy of giving terrorists whatever they want.
GLENDALE, AZ — President Trump and Tesla CEO Elon Musk shared an awkward moment Sunday during the memorial for Charlie Kirk when they were both caught on a kiss cam.
GLENDALE, AZ — Revival seems poised to sweep around the globe, as an enormous Nazi rally held at State Farm Stadium reportedly inspired millions of people throughout the world to forgive and love their enemies.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez has come out on the decidedly losing end of a debate against a cardboard cutout of Charlie Kirk.
U.S. — Surveying the hundreds of thousands gathered for Charlie Kirk’s memorial service, along with the millions watching across the globe, a despondent Satan declared that he had “made a huge mistake.”
ARENA FEROX — As his opponent once again successfully dodged his attack, Captain Falcon began to wonder if shouting “FALCON PUNCH!!” before punching people might be telegraphing his moves.
CAMBRIDGE, MA — Despite years of attempts by the most brilliant minds on the planet, researchers said that modern man is unable to create any television shows as good as Animaniacs.
CAMBRIDGE, MA — Despite years of attempts by the most brilliant minds on the planet, researchers said that modern man is unable to create any television shows as good as Animaniacs.
Jimmy Kimmel may have been relieved of his duties at Jimmy Kimmel Live!, but that doesn’t mean he’s ready to retire. He’s only 57, has bills to pay, and has plenty of good years left.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Prominent Democrats issued an ominous warning to conservatives in light of Jimmy Kimmel’s sudden cancellation, vowing that someday, conservatives would find out what it’s like to be canceled.
Featured News
Click on this icon next to any post to promote it here!
1
