AUSTIN, TX — “Whoa, bro. Whoa,” said Joe Rogan as he interviewed Mark Zuckerberg earlier this week. “Did… did you just, like, blink your eyes sideways?”
We applaud you for stepping up and allowing the government to take your money and invest it in the education of complete strangers, just as good and faithful Christians should.
U.S. — A surprising new study found that the average lifetime earnings of graduates who have earned a gender studies degree rose sharply to $10,000 this week.
HUNTERS RIDGE, MS — Local wife and mother of three Hannah Baxter was tired of constantly reminding her husband, Brad, to put his socks in the dirty clothes hamper. So, she got passive-aggressive and had “I did that!” stickers printed with his face on it.
AKRON, OH – New dad Lowell Cherry said that he is recovering well after a trying ordeal in the delivery room for the birth of his fifth child. Cherry says he had to spend all night on an uncomfortable bench-couch with no snacks while his wife was in labor.
CUPERTINO, CA — Apple has added an exciting new reality show to its streaming lineup which will follow the Clintons around as they murder anyone who might have dirt on them.
PORTLAND, OR — President Biden has recently announced that he will be canceling $10,000 in student loan debt for all borrowers who cannot pay for loans they were forced into against their will. Local man Anthony Harb has agreed to recount his gut-wrenching and harrowing story of how he was coerced at gunpoint below: Powered […]
NORTH POLE — Dr. Anthony Fauci appeared live via satellite from the North Pole on CNN’s Anderson Cooper 360° to push back at the recent assertion by Florida Governor Ron DeSantis that he was an elf. He also expressed concern about DeSantis possibly being the abominable snowman.
CHILENO BEACH, MEXICO — According to sources, fan-favorite superhero lawyer She-Hulk continued to insist to her husband today that she is “fine”, while literally turning into a green rage monster.
BEIJING — Sources at the CIA have determined it is in the best interest of the United States that they publicize intercepted recordings of a high-profile meeting among China’s top government officers, proving that China is worried TikTok has made Americans even dumber than they intended.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — On the heels of news that the Biden Administration is forgiving tens of thousands of dollars’ worth of student loan debt, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi began pushing the White House to offer the same relief to Americans with outstanding bar tabs.
GOSHEN, IN — Local father of three Kirk Watson once again exploited his children’s insatiable desire for fast food to get himself some McDonald’s, say sources.
HARVARD, MA — President Biden announced plans today to forgive $10,000 in student loan debt for anyone making less than $125k per year. In completely unrelated news, the nation’s colleges and universities announced plans to immediately raise tuition by $10,000.
SAN FRANCISCO, CA — Insider trading expert and husband of the Speaker of the House Paul Pelosi has pleaded guilty to a DUI charge and has been sentenced to live with Nancy Pelosi again after 5 days in prison.
U.S. — A clip from a live Q&A with the cast and crew of Amazon’s upcoming The Lord of the Rings: The Rings of Power television series went viral Tuesday when showrunners clarified any resemblance to the works of Tolkien was purely coincidental.
THOUSAND OAKS, CA — This week, local man Mark Swiss headed for his door but stopped short when he saw his chatty neighbor Steve lingering near the driveway. According to eyewitnesses, Swiss displayed unusual patience as he peeked through his blinds and waited for Steve to go back inside so Swiss could get into his […]
WASHINGTON, DC — In a controversial announcement, the U.S. Bureau of Engraving and Printing unveiled plans to replace Abraham Lincoln’s portrait on the five-dollar bill with one of Wyoming Congresswoman Liz Cheney.
BRYN ATHYN, PA — Pennsylvania voters are on the edge of their seats today as Senate Candidate Mehmet Oz has promised to reveal one weird trick to getting crushed in a Senate race by a violent stroke victim.
Dr. Fauci is throwing in the towel on public health like an absolute quitter. But don’t count on the good doctor to fade into obscurity. He’s just getting started on his second act.
U.S. — In a breakthrough discovery, child scientists have revealed that the most critical time of the day for hydration is after they have been tucked in and kissed goodnight.
