U.S. — Dr. Anthony Fauci announced his impending retirement today while millions of beagle puppies ran for cover, hid under sofas, and cowered in fear.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — CDC Director Rochelle Walensky spoke at a press briefing Monday in which she acknowledged an apparent link between those who believe in high-level government shadow conspiracies and not having myocarditis. According to the CDC’s findings, “total nutjobs” appear to be immune to the little-known heart condition, leaving experts puzzled.
WASHINGTON — In a landmark decision announced this week, the Supreme Court ruled that a Pennsylvania public restroom installer had acted with criminal intent against males who want to relieve themselves with adequate protection from chatty, curious neighbors. While the 6-3 decision solidified several guidelines for public restrooms, the nation’s highest court earned the most […]
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The entire world is in a panic this morning at the news that Dr. Fauci, the living embodiment of science itself, will be retiring in December. The scientific community is already announcing mass resignations now that the High Priest and the mediator between mankind and the laws of nature will be gone. […]
Ever done something so completely bizarre and embarrassing, you feel like no one else could possibly relate? After a little cajoling, we got some priests to spill the beans on the weirdest confessions they have ever heard. All of these are one hundred percent real, and one hundred percent terrifying…there are some real freaks out […]
FAYETTEVILLE, AR — Local man Alan Roddick skipped church this morning to go out for a nice brunch and spent the whole meal secretly judging all the heathens at the restaurant who don’t go to church.
LOS ANGELES, CA — A new study discovered that although scores of leftists are demanding something be done to combat overpopulation, not a single one has volunteered to die first.
HATFIELD, PA — According to sources, local CPA Jefferson O’Malley recently purchased a $1,000 driver that would “totally fix his game.” Sources confirm that the club has indeed improved his ability, as he can now hit the ball an additional 30-40 yards further into the woods.
HATFIELD, PA — According to sources, local CPA Jefferson O’Malley recently purchased a $1,000 driver that would “totally fix his game.” Sources confirm that the club has indeed improved his ability, as he can now hit the ball an additional 30-40 yards further into the woods.
NEW YORK CITY — In response to the rising cases of random New Yorkers being sucker-punched by thugs, Mayor Eric Adams has instituted a new city ordinance requiring citizens who leave their home to wear protective helmets.
Christian Nationalism is a Satanic movement in which Christians love America and vote for Republicans. It is literally the evilest thing that has ever existed in this country, and the gravest danger the American church has ever faced. It is important to stop this wicked, depraved, idolatrous movement before they organize another insurrection — or […]
LONDON — Experts in attendance at Friday’s International Conference on Metaphysics and Theology were wowed as a panel on Jesus’ miracles concluded that the miracle of feeding 5,000 people with “five little loaves and two little fish” was made possible thanks to Olive Garden’s famous never-ending breadsticks.
KYIV, UKRAINE — Ukrainian President and American pop culture icon Volodymyr Zelensky made another emotional plea today for additional U.S. funding to help his country’s war efforts against Russia.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — According to sources close to the Biden Administration, President Biden responded to seeing Trump’s jump in poll numbers by ordering the FBI to raid his house too.
U.S. — It seems Disney+ spared no expense in the making of She-Hulk: Attorney At Law. According to sources, showrunners employed the latest CGI techniques to make it look like a woman can be a real lawyer.
KNOXVILLE, TN — According to sources local man Derrick Chatum has been putting on weight at an alarming rate. This year alone, his weight inflation has swelled to 8.5%. To put his concerned doctor at ease, Derrick has explained that his weight inflation for the month is 0.
VATICAN CITY — Pope Francis issued a papal bull Thursday authorizing the production of a new HM-18X Assault Rosary. The pope detailed key features of the innovative new rosary in his edict, including rapid-fire decades, an extended crucifix clip, and a laser sight for as yet undisclosed reasons.
LAS VEGAS, NEVADA — As the water levels of Lake Meade continue to go down, more human remains are being found. In response to this recent development, Hillary Clinton has been spotted outside Lake Meade desperately trying to fill the lake back up with a garden hose.
NEW YORK, NY — Beloved CNN host of Reliable Sources Brian Stelter is being let go from the network after being accused of sexual misconduct by Mrs. Potato Head.
OTTAWA HILLS, OH — According to sources, local mother Karen White had a talk with her struggling 14-year-old daughter who believes herself to be less pretty than her friends at school. During the conversation, Mrs. White reassured her daughter that she’s beautiful and perfect just the way she is — unless she’s trans — in […]
WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Joe Biden was loaded onto a convenient death cart Wednesday despite protests that he was not yet deceased. Witnesses claim the president wriggled a bit in the grip of Vice President Kamala Harris as she insisted he was pretty much as good as dead and attempted to load him onto the […]
