NEW YORK, NY — After 20 years at CNN, Legal Analyst Jeffrey Toobin has decided to part ways with the news organization to expose himself to new audiences.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Rep Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez disputed claims of Republicans who claim the U.S. has devolved into a banana republic following the raid on former President Trump’s Florida residence, saying that America is more like a Forever 21.
WORLD — Scholars have finally confirmed that it’s not necessary to say a blessing for pre-meal chips and salsa, as they were already blessed in eternity past before the foundations of the world.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — With many Americans up in arms over the unprecedented raid of former President Trump’s residence in Mar-a-Lago by the FBI, Attorney General Garland released a statement to assure everyone the raid was completely justified. Eyewitnesses noted he looked unusually fetching in an elegant Dolce & Gabanna evening gown and a Dior sun […]
BANGOR, ME — Stephen King fans have long been perplexed as to how the man who wrote The Shining, the Dark Tower series, and Misery could possibly be the same guy who logs onto Twitter and tweets like a 7-year-old chimpanzee with anger issues.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Biden fired FBI Director Christopher Wray Friday and appointed a new director that he hopes will restore American trust in the organization. Burt Macklin, a 20-year veteran of the bureau, will take command immediately.
LAS VEGAS, NV — The FBI raided the home of Nicholas Cage in the early morning hours Friday after an anonymous tip that he had stolen the Declaration of Independence.
MEMPHIS, TN — According to sources, local dad Trey Marson is historically known by his kids as the most hilarious, fun, smart dad on earth. Unfortunately, he recently announced his son’s 14th birthday — marking his transition into a totally lame and boring moron.
SANTA MONICA, CA — Activision Blizzard introduced the world to its latest entry in the Call of Duty franchise, entitled Call of Duty: IRS Auditor. Developed by Treyarch Studios, IRS Auditor will take gamers on an epic adventure full of national warfare, political intrigue, and violent accounting.
MAR-A-LAGO, FL — New reports from Mar-a-Lago indicate that during Monday’s raid, FBI agents searching the house ran quickly to see the safe only to find it empty with an angel of the Lord standing beside it. According to eyewitnesses, the FBI agents trembled and became as dead men.
President Biden just solved the economy by creating thousands of IRS jobs! We know you’ve always dreamed of working for the IRS, but do you have what it takes?
NEW YORK, NY — Former President Donald Trump avoided incriminating himself in a deposition with New York A.G. Letitia James by pleading the fifth amendment right to remain silent. Sources confirm that the plea was entered by Trump’s legal team while Trump was tied up in a nearby corner attempting to remove duct tape from […]
WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Joe Biden has vetoed the Inflation Reduction Act even before it could be passed by the House, explaining that there was no need for it since inflation was already at 0%.
U.S. — FBI Director Christopher Wray has come under criticism for his raiding of former President Trump’s residence. He responded this morning by announcing that all who criticize the FBI’s raid will have their own homes raided as well.
U.S. — A new report is predicting a 0% unemployment rate by the year 2026, as every American will be working for the IRS and be hard at work auditing other American citizens who work for the IRS.
ROYAL OAK, MI — Local Dad Jeff Francis is widely known as a loving and devoted father, but some sources indicate he struggles with the details when it comes to his four sons. Jeff’s wife Rebecca provides helpful reminders about their children’s birthdays, hair color, and names, but Rebecca still reports that Jeff only loosely […]
PALM BEACH, FL — Federal agents left empty-handed following a raid on Trump’s Mar-a-Lago estate. Sources say Trump cleverly hid his cache of classified documents in plain sight by labeling them “Epstein’s Client List.”
MORDOR — In order to ensure the kingdoms of Middle Earth pay their fair share to The Great Eye, Saruman has created an army of 87,000 tax collectors in the breeding pits of Orthanc Tower.
See, that wasn’t so hard! According to your spouse, you were just instructed to go change your toddler, something you should be fully capable of without any help. You just got one pant leg on and that’s half the battle right there!
PALM BEACH, FL — Former President Donald J. Trump was seen fleeing on a golf cart while shouting defiantly at federal agents Monday. Witnesses claim he led authorities on a daring chase that reached speeds of up to 30 Mph.
PALM BEACH, FL — Amid mounting accusations of attempting to intimidate former President Trump from running for re-election in 2024, Attorney General Merrick Garland explained today that when the FBI was tipped off of a school board protest at Mar-A-Lago, they mobilized without delay to quell the rising threat of concerned parents.
PEARLY GATES — Anthony Spinner, a Wisconsin man who’d recently been broken in half during a backyard wrestling match, attempted to argue his way into the Kingdom of Heaven by showing Saint Peter the Ukraine flag he placed on his Twitter bio. He was reportedly turned away after being informed that Jesus had no idea […]
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