MAR-A-LAGO, FL — The morning after Trump’s Florida home was raided by FBI agents, the former president took the time to thank the FBI for officially kicking off his reelection campaign.
The Inflation Reduction Act is rampaging through Congress right now and is expected to become the law of the land. But what is in the bill? We went through the text line by line so that you, and members of Congress, don’t have to!
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Inflation Reduction Act reportedly provides for additional funding to hire 140 million new IRS agents — one for every home in America.
WEST PALM BEACH, FL — High-level Chinese asset and sex trafficker Hunter Biden breathed a sigh of relief this evening as an FBI raid team passed by his West Palm Beach vacation home to raid Donald Trump’s residence in Mar-a-Lago.
SAN FRANCISCO, CA — Times have been hard for Fairfield Valley Shopping Center, with most of its retail stores going out of business over the last few years. According to sources, all vacant spaces are now occupied by either Spirit Halloween or Starbucks.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — After finally testing negative for COVID, President Biden has invited a group of kids back to the White House to see if his sense of smell has returned.
Toxic masculinity has been under fire since third-wave feminism in the ‘90s, and for good reason – men have brought nothing but wickedness and dirty laundry into the world from the beginning. Want examples? Here are 9 horrible things brought to you by toxic masculinity:
WASHINGTON, D.C. — A White House insider confirmed today that the Bidens’ German Shepherd Major has been running the country during the president’s COVID isolation period. Government insiders are already praising the dog for overseeing the most action-packed two-week period of the Biden presidency.
ST. PAUL, MN — Local man Donald Struthermeier was on high alert Monday after his wife gasped aloud while reading texts from her phone. He knew from experience that someone had either just died or bought a new handbag.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — As D.C. resources begin to buckle under the strain of thousands of migrants being sent to the nation’s capital from Texas, the Biden Administration has taken steps to solve the problem by hiring them all as IRS agents.
HEAVEN — After once again finding herself with fourteen million messages asking for prayer, the Blessed Virgin Mary decided to finally just set her voicemail to forward directly to Jesus.
CHARLOTTE, NC — After the latest bathroom faucet catastrophe, local wife Christy Talamo has compiled a sincere “honey don’t” list of household tasks she would like her husband to never, ever attempt.
HOLLYWOOD, CA — The entertainment industry was set abuzz as Kim Kardashian immediately dumped Pete Davidson within hours of her finally witnessing an episode of Saturday Night Live.
NEW YORK, NY — This week, cultural critic James Lindsay was suspended from Twitter for persistently criticizing teachers who sexualize small children. Though Twitter announced a permanent ban, Lindsay was able to sneak back on the platform by simply declaring himself an actual teacher who sexualizes small children.
SAN FRANCISCO, CA — Recalling how the government forcibly kept him from attending his own mother’s funeral in the name of public health, local man Ryan Abbott was thrilled to see that no one will be kept from attending gay fetish festivals because of a new public health emergency.
MOSCOW — A daring attempt by a group of WNBA players to rescue Brittney Griner was foiled when the keys to her prison cell were found to be hanging from a hook ten feet off the ground.
U.S. — With the growing prevalence of teachers isolating and conditioning children for sexual activity, the nation is wishing there was some word they could use to describe people who isolate and condition children for sexual activity.
JUDAH — Zephaniah, described by authorities as a “minor prophet” is tired of being asked by his overbearing parents when he’ll become a major prophet, sources say.
U.S. — The Gideons International, a charitable organization famous for placing Bibles in hotel drawers around the world, has announced a brand new ministry: placing Thomas Sowell books in public school desks in hopes of saving children from a lifetime of economic illiteracy.
WILSON, WY — Former Vice President Dick Cheney, who famously started two wars in the Middle East and shot a dude in the face while hunting, now says Donald Trump is the greatest threat America has ever faced.
SALT LAKE CITY, UT — Chaos broke out at the wedding of Addison and Nate Morey last Friday when local LDS hooligans snuck caffeinated black tea from a flask into the punch.
MOSCOW — As the U.S. State Department continues to negotiate with the Kremlin for the release of Brittney Griner, Russian President Vladimir Putin has made it clear that he will not let go of the WNBA star for anything less than a 1st edition foil Charizard Pokemon card.
HOLLYWOOD, CA — The 2022 Batgirl movie is canceled after $70 million dollars in Batmobiles were destroyed backing out of the Batcave. The destroyed cars depleted 90 percent of the movie’s budget and forced production to end early.
AUSTIN, TX — Alex Jones has been ordered by a jury to pay $4.1 million to a local frog who sued him for defamation after the media personality and conspiracy theorist repeatedly called the frog “gay.”
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