WASHINGTON, DC — According to reports, a time-traveling Ancient Mayan priest appeared through a time portal in the offices of NARAL headquarters last week and found himself horrified by the abortion numbers in America.
MOSCOW — WNBA star Brittney Griner has been found guilty of drug trafficking charges in Russia. The judge has sentenced Griner to 9 years in a Russian penal colony where she will never have to hear America’s national anthem being played.
Life can throw some real mysteries your way, and we have all wished we could ask God for a few answers. One day, in the presence of our Lord, we will finally get to ask those burning questions which have kept our tiny little brains awake at night. Here are the twelve most common questions […]
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In an unprecedented move to protect the safety and security of millions of Americans, the FBI has added itself to the FBI watchlist.
ARLINGTON, VA — Shockwaves reverberated throughout the nation’s capital today as reports emerged that House Speaker Nancy Pelosi had been arrested and charged with running the country while under the influence.
PARK CITY, UT — Local Dad Adam Major has been praying fervently that one day, someway, somehow that he will be as good of a Dad as the Dad from Bluey, Bandit Heeler.
KENNEWICK, WA — This week, Courtney Lindeen presented her husband Aaron with a bold and innovative plan to solve the family’s consumer debt burden. Her proposal included $5,000 of spending per month at Target, which she explained would help lower the family’s debt.
WEST HILLS, CA — Local 15-year-old girl Anna Brown recently underwent gender reassignment surgery to become a trans boy named Andre Brown. Unfortunately, she’s now feeling let down by Demi Lovato, who inspired her to get the surgery in the first place.
There comes a time in every child’s life when they begin to assert their autonomy and freedom from the shackles of their upbringing: classic teenage rebellion! But how does one rebel against a set of radical progressive parents for whom morality is relative and degeneracy is celebrated? Not easy!
LOS ANGELES, CA — Singer-songwriter Demi Lovato declared herself nonbinary and adopted the use of “they/them” pronouns last year, and has made waves again this week by adopting the “she/her” pronouns that she originally had. According to sources, she made this decision when her car’s tire went flat on the I-5 freeway.
So often we find ourselves eager to see a new episode of Stranger Things. We will immediately drop whatever it is we are doing, cancel plans, and sit for hours watching closely, hanging on every word. But the thought occurred to me: why aren‘t we searching for SPIRITUAL THINGS?!
HEAVEN — After living a life of poverty famously dedicated to evangelization, Saint Anthony asked God today what on earth he did to now deserve an eternity of looking around for people’s keys and cell phones.
SOUTH BEND, IN — After finding herself unnecessarily upset about a thoughtful critique from her husband regarding her shoe collection and a dearth of closet space, dutiful wife Clarissa Zwygart was able to calm down after her husband wisely counseled her to calm down.
SODOM AND GOMORRAH — Both the city of Sodom and the city of Gomorrah have declared a state of emergency immediately in response to the Monkeypox outbreak. The cities are now providing all the resources they can so citizens can continue their orgies without interruption.
YOUNTVILLE, CA — Just hours after California Governor Gavin Newsom declared a state of emergency to slow the spread of the monkeypox virus, he was photographed attending an orgy at The French Laundry, the same upscale restaurant where he dined during the COVID lockdowns last year.
GATES OF HE’LL — After an autocorrect error slipped through in the sorting of souls, thousands of the damned were accidentally sent to he’ll for eternity.
OCEANSIDE, CA — A local man has been taken up directly to heaven after managing to miraculously stop a gas pump exactly on the “.00” while filling up his car, sources say.
LAGUNA NIGUEL, CA — Authorities announced their arrival at the home of Blake Blertherberg with a terse knock on his front door. They were there to confiscate his man card after he had called a handyman to fix a faucet, like the sad excuse for a man he is.
Biden’s two years into his presidency, blowing through all expectations of how long he would live after his inauguration. How does he stack up with Trump? Let’s take a look at this comprehensive side-by-side comparison:
KABUL — Biden is demanding answers after a precision drone strike in Afghanistan actually killed a real terrorist leader named Ayman al-Zawahiri instead of a car full of innocent children, as is tradition.
SIOUX FALLS, SD — According to sources, local married couple Keith and Rebecca Powell can’t decide what they want to eat for dinner, and have each decided to ask one another what they want for dinner over and over until they both starve.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Congressional Republicans face a difficult choice this week, as Democrats have introduced a bill to save puppies but attached billions in unrelated spending. Conservatives may propose amendments, but hesitate to oppose the bill since it is named “If You Don’t Vote For This You Hate Puppies.”
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