New ‘SquatBNB’ Service Helps Squatters Find Perfect Home To Take Over (Satire)
The Babylon Bee - Mar 23rd 2024 5:52pm EDTU.S. — A new service “SquatBNB” has launched, aimed at helping potential squatters find the home of their dreams to take over.
Shohei Ohtani Concerned About Effect Betting Scandal Will Have On Dodgers’ World Series Odds (Satire)
The Babylon Bee - Mar 23rd 2024 10:26am EDTLOS ANGELES — With a massive gambling scandal continuing to unfold around him, Shohei Ohtani has begun to express concerns about how the scandal could alter the Dodgers’ World Series odds.
Meghan Markle Announces Netflix Show About How Hard It’s Been Dealing With Kate Middleton’s Cancer Diagnosis (Satire)
The Babylon Bee - Mar 23rd 2024 9:56am EDTLOS ANGELES — Meghan Markle announced this morning that she would be releasing a new show on Netflix to reveal the terrible difficulties and she has faced dealing with Kate Middleton’s cancer diagnosis.
9 Ways To Outfox Squatters Living On Your Property (Satire)
The Babylon Bee - Mar 22nd 2024 5:23pm EDTAs you may have seen in the news recently, there are some states that actually have laws that make it illegal for you to attempt to evict squatters living in your home. No one wants to run afoul of the law, so it’s worth considering what you can do in the event that you find […]
Woman Who Calls Herself An Influencer Has Literally Never Influenced Anyone To Do Anything Ever (Satire)
The Babylon Bee - Mar 22nd 2024 4:49pm EDTPROVO, UT — Shocking revelations emerged this week after it was revealed that a woman who regularly refers to herself as an online influencer has actually never influenced anyone to do anything ever.
Shrek Prosecuted After Trying To Remove Squatters From Swamp (Satire)
The Babylon Bee - Mar 22nd 2024 4:08pm EDTDULOC — In accordance with the Squatter’s Rights Bill that was recently signed into law by Lord Farquaad, local ogre Shrek has been arrested and charged for attempting to remove squatters from his swamp.
National Guardsman Being Trampled By Migrants Glad To Hear We’re Not Being Invaded (Satire)
The Babylon Bee - Mar 22nd 2024 3:16pm EDTEL PASO, TX — Concerned servicemen protecting the southern U.S. border had his mind put at ease today, as a National Guardsman being trampled by migrants was glad to hear the country isn’t being invaded.
Planet Fitness Rated ‘Best Gym In America’ By The National Association Of Perverts (Satire)
The Babylon Bee - Mar 22nd 2024 2:17pm EDTLOS ANGELES, CA — The National Association Of Perverts (NAP) Rated Planet Fitness ‘The Best Gym In America’ after learning this week the workout chain giant allows men to use the women’s locker rooms whenever they want.
The Babylon Bee Guide To Being The Church Sound Guy (Satire)
The Babylon Bee - Mar 22nd 2024 1:43pm EDTFew jobs are as specialized and challenging as that of the church sound guy. Performing in such a pivotal role requires tremendous skill and is not for the faint of heart. Are you embarking on the wild and unpredictable journey of running sound at your church?
Woman Unable To Distinguish Between Basketball And Hockey About To Smoke Your March Madness Bracket Again (Satire)
The Babylon Bee - Mar 22nd 2024 1:24pm EDTOTTUMWA, IA — It’s that time of year again when avid sports fans spend hours painstakingly making their predictions for the NCAA tournament so that a woman who can’t distinguish between basketball and hockey can smoke their March Madness brackets.
Top 6 Health Benefits of Cigar Smoking (Satire)
The Babylon Bee - Mar 21st 2024 5:55pm EDTSmoking cigars makes you look cool, everyone knows that. But did you know there are also a lot of health benefits? It’s true, enjoying a cigar not only shows everyone how manly you are but it pays off physically as well.
Media Says Border Crisis Not An Invasion, It Is Simply A Group Of Military-Aged Males Using Force Against Our Military To Enter And Occupy The Country (Satire)
The Babylon Bee - Mar 21st 2024 5:25pm EDTU.S. — After shocking footage emerged from the border showing waves of migrants mounting an attack on National Guard soldiers to break through the border, media outlets were quick to remind viewers that this was not in any way an invasion.
Checkmate: Trump Sneaks Back Into White House, Invokes Squatter’s Rights (Satire)
The Babylon Bee - Mar 21st 2024 4:06pm EDTWASHINGTON, D.C. — Former President Donald Trump successfully had President Biden evicted from the White House Thursday after successfully sneaking back into the White House and invoking Squatters Rights.
Planet Fitness Adds ‘Bigot Alarm’ To Shame Women Who Don’t Want Men In Their Locker Room (Satire)
The Babylon Bee - Mar 21st 2024 3:28pm EDTHAMPTON, NH — Popular gym franchise Planet Fitness has announced plans to add a “Bigot Alarm” at all locations nationwide to alert members whenever there is a horrible transphobic woman who doesn’t want men watching her change in the women’s locker room.
Man Playing Video Games With His Mind Claims He’s Only Losing Because He Got The Mad Catz Neuralink (Satire)
The Babylon Bee - Mar 21st 2024 2:53pm EDTFREMONT, CA — Randall Scott Stephens, a quadriplegic who was fitted with an experimental Neuralink implant so he could play video games, claims he’s only losing because his mom bought the “lame” Mad Catz version instead of an official first-party implant directly from Elon Musk.
Hamas Scientists Struggling To Figure Out How To Make Emergency Food Rations Explode (Satire)
The Babylon Bee - Mar 21st 2024 1:17pm EDTGAZA — As the United States pledged to continue providing humanitarian aid and basic necessities to Palestinians amid the ongoing conflict with Israel, Hamas scientists are struggling to figure out how to make emergency food rations explode.
Dozens Injured At Capitol After Omnibus Bill Tips Over (Satire)
The Babylon Bee - Mar 21st 2024 11:41am EDTWASHINGTON, D.C. — According to reports, several members of Congress and staffers were injured at the Capitol after the new omnibus spending bill tipped over and fell on them.
Holy Spirit Trapped In Church After Acolyte Forgets To Walk Flame Out Of Sanctuary (Satire)
The Babylon Bee - Mar 20th 2024 5:35pm EDTTOPEKA, KS — The Holy Spirit remained trapped inside First Methodist of Topeka this week after local acolyte Boone Taylor forgot to walk the flame back out of the sanctuary at the end of the 10 a.m. service.
Who Is The Antichrist? 10 Most Likely Candidates (Satire)
The Babylon Bee - Mar 20th 2024 5:22pm EDTBrought to you by: My Patriot Supply
AOC Says RICO Not a Crime, He’s the Guy Who Delivers Her Food (Satire)
The Babylon Bee - Mar 20th 2024 5:02pm EDTWASHINGTON, D.C. — In an impassioned speech during witness questioning, Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez declared that RICO is not a crime, but in fact that DoorDash driver who delivers her orders from Panda Express.
NYC Homeowner Arrested For Not Providing Squatters With WiFi Password (Satire)
The Babylon Bee - Mar 20th 2024 4:31pm EDTNEW YORK, NY — Local authorities sprang into action to hold a miscreant accountable today as an NYC homeowner was arrested for not providing squatters with her WiFi password.
Conspiracy Theorists Owned: Royal Family Releases Undoctored Picture Of Healthy Kate Middleton (Satire)
The Babylon Bee - Mar 20th 2024 3:05pm EDTLONDON — The British royal family attempted to calm the growing conspiracy frenzy regarding the wellbeing and whereabouts of the Princess of Wales by releasing an official photograph of Kate Middleton but found itself embroiled in an embarrassing controversy after further inspection revealed it was actually a picture of Mr. Bean in a wig.
Double Or Nothing: Trump Challenges Judge Engoron To $450 Million Game Of One-On-One (Satire)
The Babylon Bee - Mar 20th 2024 2:51pm EDTNEW YORK CITY, NY — In an effort to address his looming legal fines, Donald Trump challenged Judged Arthur Engoron this week to a $450 million basketball game of one-on-one, double or nothing.
Mexico Begins Constructing Wall To Keep Illegal Immigrants From Coming Back (Satire)
The Babylon Bee - Mar 20th 2024 2:03pm EDTPIEDRAS NEGRAS — As the debate in the United States continued to rage over the ongoing migrant crisis along the southern border, Mexico announced plans to begin construction on a wall to keep illegal immigrants from coming back.
Court Flips Coin To See If Texas Allowed To Enforce Laws Today (Satire)
The Babylon Bee - Mar 20th 2024 1:20pm EDTU.S. — Leaders in the Lone Star State awoke this morning eager to learn how they would be able to address the border crisis as a federal court once again flipped a coin to see if Texas would be allowed to enforce laws today.