U.S. — Democrats have begun wondering if perhaps they should stop saying the sorts of things that assassins engrave on shell casings for when they murder people.
U.S. — Democrats have begun wondering if perhaps they should stop saying the sorts of things that assassins engrave on shell casings for when they murder people.
U.S. — The entirety of the American higher education system has officially been designated a terrorist organization by the United States federal government.
U.S. — The entirety of the American higher education system has officially been designated a terrorist organization by the United States federal government.
U.S. — In the days following the assassination of Charlie Kirk, universities across the country were quietly canceling their “Kill Conservatives 101” classes.
U.S. — In the days following the assassination of Charlie Kirk, universities across the country were quietly canceling their “Kill Conservatives 101” classes.
VAUX-SUR-SOMME — New evidence has led historians to suggest that Manfred von Richthofen — known as the “Red Baron” — briefly entertained the hope of someday having a line of frozen pizzas named after him as he was shot down in a World War I dogfight.
SALT LAKE CITY, UT — Officials from the Federal Bureau of Investigation held a congratulatory press conference on Friday to notify the public that the agency had successfully apprehended the man suspected of murdering conservative activist Charlie Kirk after the shooter turned himself in.
BLOOMINGTON, IL — Neighbors were impressed by local man Marcus Hardwick, who took the time to pass on generational knowledge to his son about how to change your car’s oil yourself, so it will take longer and cost more.
U.S. — Experts revealed that an estimated 12 million new Charlie Kirks had been created overnight following the murder of the conservative echelon earlier this week. The army of Charlie Kirks was said to be uniformly committed to continuing the original Kirk’s message and mission of hope and courage.
HEAVEN — According to heavenly sources, church pastors are officially exempt from all posted speeding limits and well within their rights to speed on the way to church.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Several prominent Democrats issued statements this week, condemning the recent assassination of a man who shared his opinion by saying there is absolutely no place for violence against evil Nazi Republicans who are literally killing people and destroying America.
U.S. — In the face of what seems at times to be overwhelming darkness, a new report suggested that millions of fathers throughout the country would be hugging their kids tighter today.
U.S. — Hours after the brutal assassination of conservative activist Charlie Kirk, Democrats rushed to forcefully condemn all the violence they incited.
TALLAHASSEE, FL — Termites in a home on 54th street were excited this morning as a shiny yellow and red tent was placed over the house they’ve been living in.
DENVER, CO — Authorities issued a public service announcement warning citizens to avoid smoking marijuana because it could lead to attending Colorado Rockies games.
SAN FRANCISCO, CA — Internet users were given another rare opportunity to play a role in the dissemination of agenda-driven misinformation, as the annual Wikipedia fundraiser said that for just $2.75, they could help censor the truth.
MEDITERRANEAN SEA — The international community is calling for investigations after Greta Thunberg reported that her humanitarian flotilla had suffered an unprovoked attack from a Jewish Space Laser.
With violent crime continuing to plague American cities, the time has come for truly radical measures. Here are seven ideas for extreme changes to make our cities safer:
U.S. — Facing heavy criticism for going easy on violent criminals, a group of Democrats sought to prove that they are tough on crime by proposing a bold new “100 Strikes and You’re Out” law.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Trump calmed an anxious world today with assurances that nothing bad has ever happened in the wake of a vicious dictator invading Poland.
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