Caitlin Clark To Retire From Spotlight And Enter WNBA (Satire)
The Babylon Bee - Apr 8th 2024 2:44pm EDTCLEVELAND, OH — Following a heartbreaking loss that capped what had been a storybook run in the NCAA Women’s Basketball Tournament, Iowa standout Caitlin Clark announced her plan to retire from the spotlight and fade into obscurity with the WNBA.
‘During This Time Of Total Eclipse, What’s Blocking The Son In Your Life?’ – Op-Ed By Chet Skatington, Youth Pastor (Satire)
The Babylon Bee - Apr 8th 2024 2:11pm EDTHey Fam, it’s me, Chet. We’re entering a season of total solar eclipse — a time when the moon gets in the way of the sun and blocks its warm, healing rays from hitting the Earth. During this short celestial event, we will get a small taste of what life would be like if the […]
1Trump Says His Position On Abortion Is Whichever One Will Get Him Elected (Satire)
The Babylon Bee - Apr 8th 2024 12:50pm EDTPALM BEACH, FL — In a brilliant political maneuver designed to ensure he wins the election, former President Donald Trump said his position on abortion is whichever one will get him elected.
Vatican Reluctantly Sides With God On Gender Theory (Satire)
The Babylon Bee - Apr 8th 2024 12:08pm EDTVATICAN — In a rare instance of its viewpoints aligning with divine truth, the Vatican announced that it had reluctantly sided with God on the subject of gender theory.
South Carolina Women’s Basketball Coach Announces Incoming Freshmen Greg And Dave (Satire)
The Babylon Bee - Apr 7th 2024 2:32pm EDTCLEVELAND, OH — Prior to the NCAA championship game, South Carolina Women’s basketball coach Dawn Staley announced a pair of exciting incoming freshmen recruits named Greg and Dave.
The Babylon Bee Officially Invites Ben Shapiro And Candace Owens To Come Settle Things Like Adults By Sumo Wrestling (Satire)
The Babylon Bee - Apr 6th 2024 7:32pm EDTU.S. — The Babylon Bee has officially extended an invitation to Ben Shapiro and Candace Owens to come gear up in massive sumo suits so they can settle their differences like mature adults.
Unclear If Guy Next To You In Church Nailing Cool Harmony Or Just Singing Way Off Key (Satire)
The Babylon Bee - Apr 6th 2024 1:18pm EDTLEXINGTON, KY – Local man Jared Stanton found himself increasingly unsure whether the guy next to him in church was crushing a complex harmony or just singing horribly off key.
Dorks Of Nation Helpfully Identify Themselves By Putting On Solar Eclipse Glasses (Satire)
The Babylon Bee - Apr 6th 2024 9:02am EDTU.S. — Dorks across the nation have begun helpfully identifying themselves for the general populace by all wearing solar eclipse glasses.
9 Signs God Might Be Slightly Angry With Your Country (Satire)
The Babylon Bee - Apr 5th 2024 5:00pm EDTWith the ground under America literally shaking today, many began wondering – might God be a tad bit angry at us? We at the Bee assembled the best theological minds to help us discern the truth!
Bible Scholars Believe Noah Made Over 977 Trips To Home Depot During Ark Construction (Satire)
The Babylon Bee - Apr 5th 2024 2:57pm EDTOXFORD — Citing newly discovered evidence and a reinterpretation of some of the earliest available Hebrew texts, leading biblical scholars now believe Noah made over 977 trips to Home Depot during the ark’s construction.
Family Stages Intervention For Midwestern Man’s Addiction To Flannel (Satire)
The Babylon Bee - Apr 5th 2024 1:24pm EDTSHELBYVILLE, IN — Addiction can be a trying time for any family, but the Coopers are going through a particularly rough patch as they stage an intervention for Robert, a midwestern man who is going a bit overboard with the flannel.
Canadian Man Too Polite To Tell Doctor He Doesn’t Want To Be Euthanized (Satire)
The Babylon Bee - Apr 5th 2024 1:02pm EDTCALGARY — A Canadian man’s family reluctantly began the process of making funeral preparations, as he was too polite to tell his doctor that he didn’t want to be euthanized.
Biden Demands Israel Fight Rest Of War Using Nerf Guns (Satire)
The Babylon Bee - Apr 5th 2024 12:10pm EDTWASHINGTON, D.C. — President Biden threatened to end U.S. aid to Israel unless the IDF complies with a new demand to fight the rest of the war against Gaza armed with only Nerf guns.
Earthquake As Jews Dig Tunnels Too Deep And Unearth A Balrog (Satire)
The Babylon Bee - Apr 5th 2024 11:53am EDTTEWKSBURY, NJ — Tremors were felt throughout the region as Jews dug their secret tunnels too deep and accidentally unearthed a Balrog.
Mark Zuckerberg Locked Out Of X Account After Bot Purge (Satire)
The Babylon Bee - Apr 5th 2024 11:19am EDTPALO ALTO, CA — One of Big Tech’s biggest names was left searching for an explanation, as Meta founder Mark Zuckerberg was locked out of his X account after the social media platform’s bot purge.
Biden Still Polling Well With 3 A.M. Mail-In Ballot Demographic (Satire)
The Babylon Bee - Apr 4th 2024 5:39pm EDTU.S. — Despite ominous polling data showing former President Donald Trump holding leads in key battleground states, there are strong indications that President Joe Biden is still polling well among the important 3 A.M. mail-in ballot demographic.
California Starbucks Struggling To Find Robot Workers With Enough Tattoos And Piercings To Work Registers (Satire)
The Babylon Bee - Apr 4th 2024 5:30pm EDTSACRAMENTO, CA — Following California Governor Gavin Newsom’s passage of a bill that raises minimum wage at many fast food restaurants to $20 an hour, Starbucks managers scrambled to find automated cashiers with enough tattoos and piercings to adequately represent their brand.
Teen Thanks Parents For Supporting Him Through That Time Of Confusion But Can He Have His Testicles Back Now (Satire)
The Babylon Bee - Apr 4th 2024 5:25pm EDTMORRISTOWN, NY — A teenage male identified as William Beauregard expressed gratitude to his parents Thursday for the love and support he received during his period of gender confusion before promptly asking that his testicles be returned.
Midlife Crisis: Wife Begs Husband To Just Buy A Convertible Instead Of A Greek Trireme (Satire)
The Babylon Bee - Apr 4th 2024 5:10pm EDTDEARBORN, MI — According to neighbors, local wife and mother Helena Kenti has reportedly begged her husband Peter, who is currently going through a midlife crisis, to “please” get rid of the Greek trireme docked in their driveway and instead buy a convertible like a normal person.
Parents Really In Need Of Vacation After Grueling Vacation (Satire)
The Babylon Bee - Apr 4th 2024 3:12pm EDTBOISE, ID — A local married couple has expressed their dire need for a vacation after returning home from a grueling vacation.
Adam Waits Patiently As Eve Tries On 23 Different Fig Leaves (Satire)
The Babylon Bee - Apr 4th 2024 2:31pm EDTEDEN — A marital spat arose today in the Garden of Eden as Adam reported that his wife Eve had to try on 23 different fig leaves before selecting an outfit for their dinner date.
Pastor’s Popularity Skyrockets After Church Installs ‘Skip Intro’ Option (Satire)
The Babylon Bee - Apr 4th 2024 1:34pm EDTGALVESTON, TX — Pastor Chad Broderson’s popularity at Legacy Bible Church has skyrocketed after the buildings and grounds committee finally installed a long awaited “Skip Intro” option to the back of the pews. This option will, when tapped on the screen, skip past the usual pleasantries and long-winded introduction to the sermon and get right […]
Democrats Warn Parents To Quickly Transition Their Kids Before They Grow Out Of It (Satire)
The Babylon Bee - Apr 4th 2024 12:35pm EDTWASHINGTON, D.C. — On the heels of a new study regarding young people with gender dysphoria, Democrats issued a warning to parents to transition their kids quickly before they grow out of it.
To Regain Popularity, MLB To Allow One Player Per Team To Take Steroids (Satire)
The Babylon Bee - Apr 3rd 2024 6:37pm EDTU.S. — With a segment of fans longing for the excitement of previous eras of the game, Major League Baseball took a step to regain popularity by announcing one player per team would be allowed to take steroids.
New Version Of ‘Guess Who?’ Includes All 437 Genders (Satire)
The Babylon Bee - Apr 3rd 2024 6:32pm EDTPAWTUCKET, RI — Hasbro has announced that the beloved children’s game Guess Who? is finally getting a more inclusive makeover that will bring it up to date with all 437 known genders.