News From David Cole, Page 2

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  • Three for the Road (to Hell)

    David Cole - Feb 25th 2025 1:45pm EST

    Last week’s column was written during my recent health scare; this week’s is being written as I’m recuperating, sober, and thus in a terrible mood. So to make it easier on myself, I’m going to dispense with three different rants. Maybe there’s a connecting theme, maybe there isn’t. We’ll see as we go. MAGA-Morph Activate! […]

  • Pach Like Me

    David Cole - Feb 18th 2025 10:05am EST

    “Pach” as in pachyderm. Get it? GET IT??? If you haven’t read this week’s column, do so, as I don’t plan to recap it here. I said DO SO! Even though the column says it was “last week” that I Elephant Manned, it was actually two weeks ago (I write all my columns two weeks […]

  • On God and Dogs

    David Cole - Feb 18th 2025 2:42am EST

    Booze and antibiotics may not be the best cocktail for a column. But hey, that’s the fun. A week ago I bit down on an M&M peanut and it sliced through the soft tissue beneath my bad tooth (56 years old and I’ve only ever had one cavity, but like Babe Ruth at bat, you […]

  • The Death of Hollywood Part III: Don’t Dream It’s Over (But Yes, It’s Over)

    David Cole - Feb 11th 2025 3:31am EST

    London, 1911. Two proper gentlemen meet for an ale. “With this land grant and generous endowment by the Brothers Wilks—who stomp the earth to extract petrol for lamps and whatnot—we shall be greatly facilitated in an endeavor of our choice. Wot say thee, friend Jeremy?” “My oath, brother Benjamin, I do declare that we should […]

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  • The Death of Hollywood Part II: Local Actors Act Loco

    David Cole - Feb 4th 2025 5:19am EST

    I’ve had a lot to say over the years about how rightists refuse to act locally, or seem incapable of doing so. With one of the defining aspects of the Trump era being “the God-King will solve all problems at the national level, because all problems emanate from a Deep State cabal,” it’s understandable that […]

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  • In the Year 2025, Will Hollywood Survive?

    David Cole - Jan 28th 2025 12:00am EST

    The defining entertainment industry story of 2024 was the collapse of Hollywood, the “death of movies,” to quote the L.A. Times. The defining story of 2025 is, to quote the Times again, “Will the work ever come back?” Taking some time off from politics (because everyone and their retarded uncle is opining on the new […]

  • Dave’s “Lost” New Years Column

    David Cole - Jan 22nd 2025 3:34pm EST

    It’s tradition for me at Takimag to run a New Years column that’s just little bits and pieces of things I couldn’t stretch to a full column by themselves. It’s a no-effort column, and I can only get away with it on special occasions (Christmas, New Years, election day). But then I got caught up […]

  • L.A. Boned and Brimstoned

    David Cole - Jan 21st 2025 12:00am EST

    I never did get to do my New Year’s “wrap-up” column (I got distracted by the H-1B visa thing, then the fires started). I feel bad not only because it broke a long-standing tradition (a New Year’s column that’s looser, less formal), but also, you only get that one blessed window per year…those weeks between […]

  • Leaf Garrote

    David Cole - Jan 16th 2025 2:36pm EST

    When we think of the horrors of WWII, we think of exterminated Jews, the Blitz, Dresden, the siege of Stalingrad, the rape of Nanking, and the A-bombs. But nobody ever thinks about actors! Will no one consider the actors? Actors, those selfless champions of charity and benevolence who wear superhero tights in front of a […]

  • Flame Retardeds

    David Cole - Jan 14th 2025 12:00am EST

    It’s not that most people are stupid (though way too many are). It’s that they become stupid when out of their element. I know girls from high school, dumb as bricks back then, not exactly rocket scientists today. But in the forty years since, they’ve raised great families; they’re brilliant at momming. I know rugged […]

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  • Fire Update

    David Cole - Jan 9th 2025 12:00pm EST

    I want to personally thank all of you who DM’d me over the past 24 hours to ask if I’m okay, if I’m in the path of the horrific Palisades fire that’s torched over 1,000 buildings (homes, schools, businesses) and killed at least two (five if you count a nearby offshoot fire…the structural toll of […]

  • Reap On, Elon

    David Cole - Jan 7th 2025 9:57am EST

    In the 1964 movie Lady in a Cage, Olivia de Havilland stars as a fancy lady with a broken hip who finds herself trapped in her staircase elevator during a power outage. Her cries for help alert the “wrong element”; James Caan (his first substantial role) plays a burping, grunting thug who, along with his […]

  • Get Bent, Bud-Bud (A Reasoned Response to Vivek)

    David Cole - Dec 31st 2024 3:38am EST

    This was gonna be my end-of-the-year wrap-up (it was written and proofed and everything), but the Vivek “mediocre culture” thing got me fired up, so I’ll run the New Year’s column next week. Am I enjoying seeing MAGA turn on Musk over his push for more cheap imported labor? Heavens, no, I’d never harbor ill […]

  • How Jessica Biel’s Ass Stole Christmas

    David Cole - Dec 25th 2024 3:31pm EST

    I apologize for not posting a Christmas video this year. I appreciate that so many of you asked for one; you’re the best! And you deserve something from me on Christmas Day for being unfailing with your support via Buy Me a Beer. So for fun, here’s the 100% true story about how a plump […]

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  • Christmas Snow and Black Dealers

    David Cole - Dec 24th 2024 12:00am EST

    Ah, my annual Christmas column, where I get to write about anything that tickles my fancy. So about the New Avengers “Angels of Death” episode… Okay, okay, sorry. I’ve run that joke into the ground enough for one lifetime. But here’s a story I don’t think I’ve ever shared…the time I saved Chynna Phillips’ life. […]

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  • Health-Care Assassin’s Creed

    David Cole - Dec 17th 2024 1:17am EST

    I don’t want to come off as lacking empathy, even though I do indeed lack empathy. The assassination of UnitedHealthcare CEO Brian Thompson is reassuring. Not because he deserved to die. Certainly he didn’t. And not because it’s cool to make a political statement by murdering someone. It isn’t. But there are so many random, […]

  • I Yelled at a Mongolian Stoner

    David Cole - Dec 15th 2024 1:08pm EST

    With my current Takimag piece about food delivery dangers burning up the charts (here it is if you haven’t read it yet), it’s a typical Dave in the life that I’d encounter my worst food delivery guy ever yesterday. That it was a stoner Mongol just makes it funnier. This is not my best drunken […]

  • Five-Pointed Stars, Many Pointed Pinheads

    David Cole - Dec 10th 2024 12:00am EST

    Ah, the most wonderful time of the year! In 2024 Christmas Day coincides with the first day of Hanukkah. And for you far-rightists, you know what that means: Christian children ripping open presents, Jews ripping open Christian children (the preceding was a paid message from the Candace Owens Institute of Jewish Baby-Eating Awareness, soon to […]

  • Happy Christmas, Friends

    David Cole - Dec 7th 2024 4:48pm EST

    I appreciate this platform that allows me to remain in touch with the people I used to be in contact with before getting banned everywhere else. And I try to be honest with you guys. Because (to quote Orson Welles) isn’t that the fun of it? There’s a liberating joy in dropping pretense. So that’s […]

  • Salmonella, Delivered!

    David Cole - Dec 3rd 2024 12:00am EST

    You need to start taking semen more seriously. As in, not wanting to ingest it. Unless, of course, that’s your thing. But enough about Nick Fuentes. An unfortunately common type of story in the news these days involves food delivery drivers defiling orders with everything from spit to semen. The sentence “My dinner’s made better […]

  • The Democrat Death Cackle Was Newsom’s All Along

    David Cole - Nov 26th 2024 12:00am EST

    The thing that made Kamala’s cackle so irritating was that she’d do it when nobody else in the room was laughing. “I know, right? It’s hilarious, RIGHT? Guh-GLACK-guh-GLACKLE!” but nobody else was with her on the joke. From a comedy perspective, it’s fine to laugh at a joke that the audience didn’t appreciate. Dennis Miller […]

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  • The Week That Perished: Cowgoys and Indians

    David Cole - Nov 24th 2024 6:48pm EST

    In this week’s Week: Newsom gives Injuns a statewide boot, Frozen Punjabis are kind of a hoot. Leftist scores points against “reparations” loot, “Spicy Latinas” are no longer cute, Matt Gaetz and his boy-band are ordered to scoot. The Week That Perished As always, if you get a laugh please BUY ME A BEER! * […]

  • Dear MAGA: What if You Were Wrong?

    David Cole - Nov 19th 2024 2:25am EST

    I have a question for MAGA following Trump’s blowout victory against a cackling cretinous curry-stained flesh-and-blood Thalia mask: How could it have happened? According to the rule you’ve lived by for four years, a rule that made you storm the Capitol, assault cops, destroy property, and, in some cases, die yourselves, trampled under the feet […]

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  • The Razzle-Dazzle Wrap-Up of Everything

    David Cole - Nov 12th 2024 12:00am EST

    Our long national nightmare is over. Or is it just starting? I’m writing this at 5 a.m. on the 6th. A few postelection notes; nothing heavy. Angel George Floyd earns his hot wings Thanks to the fentanyl-fueled check kite-flyer, the Dems forced Biden to choose a black woman for his VP in 2020. Karen Bass, […]

  • The Week That Perished: Rats and Democrats

    David Cole - Nov 10th 2024 6:43pm EST

    In this week’s Week: Harris floats away, The Swiss don’t miss a slay. Rodents invade L.A., Meet black genius Tasshay, And in Florida you’re DOA. Yes, it turns out that my rat problem from earlier in the year is actually the entire county’s problem. We’re lousy with rats. Then again, we just got rid of […]