SEATTLE, WA — Lifelong Pearl Jam fan Dirk Ledbetter announced a huge personal achievement this weekend on a grunge music forum, claiming he was close to figuring out three of Pearl Jam’s lyrics.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — After another horrendously embarrassing day of gaffes for President Biden, White House aides decided to try removing his brain, blowing on it, then sticking it back in.
ALPHARETTA, GA — In response to heavy criticism of his progressive theological views, North Point Community Church Pastor Andy Stanley has issued a public challenge to face the Bible in an MMA fight.
U.S. — In a controversial new episode of Paw Patrol that aired this week on Nick Jr., Chase gets neutered so he can become the world’s first transgender pup.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a gracious move of bipartisanship, the Senate voted to relax rules to allow their freshman Senator Jabba The Fetterman to take a bath in the reflecting pool.
GATH — As the giant Goliath lay sprawled on the ground, defeated by a small shepherd boy, he couldn’t help but reflect on the impending onslaught of poorly constructed metaphors about his defeat.
U.S. — Following multiple embarrassing, high-profile scandals on both sides of the political aisle, the American people expressed conflicted feelings about whether they should vote for a party that openly supports perversion or a party that only secretly supports perversion.
MADABA, JORDAN — After receiving John the Baptist’s head on a platter as requested, Herod’s daughter started to wish she had just asked for a cute purse instead.
MYERSTOWN, PA — Local teenager Natalie Bingham politely asked her mom and dad if they would consider ceasing to exist for a few hours while her friends come over.
It’s not easy being a dad. Exemplifying bravery, leadership, and wisdom while simultaneously consuming an entire pig’s worth of bacon per day and explaining to your wife how every daily event relates to The Lord of the Rings is hard work. Maintaining a strong sense of style just isn’t something everyone has time to do.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Attorney General Merrick Garland’s integrity was called into question during a hearing before the House Judiciary Committee Wednesday when Republican lawmakers noted the “Kill Trump” tattoo emblazoned on his forehead.
The United States is a land of freedom — freedom of speech (unless you’re in public), freedom of the press (unless you’re conservative), and the freedom to bear arms (unless you’re in New Mexico). Another bedrock here in America is the freedom of religion, where if you don’t want to believe in the truth of […]
PALM BEACH, FL — In an interview with Meet the Press, former President Donald J. Trump told moderator Kristen Welker that there are “very fine people on both sides” of the baby murder issue.
CHARLESTON, SC — In a Babylon Bee exclusive, new evidence has been obtained that provides further insight as to how an F-35 fighter jet could disappear and remain missing until its wreckage was discovered. New images reveal the plane was outfitted with the latest stealth technology, including a pair of thick-framed glasses and comedically large, […]
NEW YORK, NY — In an effort to raise more funds to support Ukraine’s war efforts against Russia, Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky had ushers pass around an offering plate during his speech to the United Nations General Assembly.
RIFLE, CO — In an attempt to appease evangelical voters who were disgusted by her display of promiscuity at Buell Theater in downtown Denver, U.S. Congresswoman Lauren Boebert has announced a brand new line of purity rings.
NEW YORK, NY — As Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky arrived in the U.S. to petition the U.N. for additional funds for the ongoing war with Russia, he was angered to learn one of his F-35s had been carelessly ruined by the American military.
ST. LOUIS, MO — Local consumers were caught in a familiar but confusing position this week after television advertisements from a popular beer manufacturer urged viewers to “drink responsibly” while simultaneously prompting them to purchase as much beer as possible.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a blow to the transparency of information and what could have been a treasure trove of evidence against a global sex trafficking ring, the Pentagon has announced the lost F-35 fighter jet was apparently carrying the only known copy of Jeffrey Epstein’s client list.
HUGER, SC — A team of Marines was seen trudging through the woods, stopping every 30 feet to wave a key fob around in a 90° arc, say campers at Francis Marion National Forest. The Marines, who traveled in a tactical column, were allegedly on a mission to locate, close with, and recover the F-35 […]
SAN BERNARDINO, CA — The world’s dumbest man, Jeremy Dander, pulled up to a McDonald’s outside of lunch hours, noticed only two cars in the drive-thru, and made the mistake of assuming the experience wouldn’t take long.
- Sep 14th 2023 11:27am EDT
