DETROIT, MI — Famed talk show host and meme subject Oprah Winfrey was showered with accolades today after last night’s release of a moving 1-hour special on the dangers of alcohol abuse.
KNOXVILLE, TN — Sources within First Covenant Church of Knoxville recently confirmed that Cameron Garrison, the head worship leader, was quite certain that he could write a better song than anything in that dusty old hymnal the church still keeps around the pews for some unexplained reason.
U.S. — A tearful baseball fan reportedly rent his garments and cried out to Heavens while covered in dust and ashes, anguishedly asking God why Shohei Ohtani has to play for the Los Angeles Dodgers.
NEW YORK, NY — Authorities announced a statewide manhunt for Sean “Diddy” Combs, who authorities say escaped from his cell at Brooklyn’s Metropolitan Detention Center by lubing up his body and slipping through the bars.
FARMINGTON HILLS, MI — It only took 15 seconds for Thursday evening’s “Unite For America” open forum with Kamala Harris to change Opray Winfrey’s mind and lead her to endorse Donald Trump.
LONG BEACH, CA — In an immediate sign that Governor Gavin Newsom’s crackdown on memes is taking effect, the Long Beach Police Department announced that a special tactical unit executed a raid of a private residence today and seized over 2,000 memes.
AUSTIN, TX — Following the aggressive action taken by California against humor, satire, and online memes, Governor Greg Abbott signed an executive order to declare Texas a sanctuary state for memers.
KANSAS CITY, MO — Tragedy befell a local house of worship as early reports indicated that what had been a perfect church was immediately ruined after it was attended by one human being.
NEW YORK, NY — Sources within several major media and news networks recently confirmed that most legacy mainstream media head editors are now “pretty worried” that the news of the latest Trump assassination attempt might distract from the plight of illegal immigrants around the country.
PHILADELPHIA, PA — Yet another campaign audience was treated to a speech specially tailored to relate to them, as Vice President Kamala Harris adopted a pitch-perfect accent and image while addressing a crowd of Italian American voters.
MANHATTAN, NY — All three people who watch the View were completely unaffected by the talk show’s recent decision to replace their entire cast with shrieking feral pigs.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In an unprecedented win for diversity, President Biden pledged to the American people that the next assassin of Donald Trump would be a woman of color.
California Governor Gavin Newsom took a strong stand against anyone enjoying life yesterday, singing a law that prohibits making artificial images in order to make people laugh. Sad!
Check it, Fam. You know when you’re on the computer and go to a website about skateboarding and are hit with a pop-up about accepting cookies? You’re probably not even sure what they are, but you click “Accept” anyway so you can see those sweet 720s.
SAVANNAH, GA — A local man was left completely stumped while questioning his wife about an issue with one of the family’s vehicles, having apparently been caught off guard by his wife’s insightful and engaging response.
LONG ISLAND, NY — The tension of election season reached a new high today with conflicting reports of further attempts on the life of the former president, as Donald Trump dodged a falling piano, a swinging death blade, and a spiked pitfall trap on his way to a campaign rally.
BEIRUT — As new reports of further devastation continued to filter in after yesterday’s shocking incidents of exploding communication devices, Hezbollah leaders had begun to think they shouldn’t have purchased large quantities of pagers from Levi Goldbraumstein’s Pager Emporium.
SACRAMENTO, CA — California Governor Gavin Newsom announced he will sign a bill banning political images generated by artificial intelligence after he was duped into thinking an online photo of Donald Trump depicted as a half-man/half-fish was real.
LEBANON — Video footage of several explosions flooded social media Wednesday as thousands more Hezbollah terrorists were killed by exploding CDs promising 200 free hours of America Online.
You read the Journal. You follow the stonks. And now you’re wondering how you’ll possibly manage to get through four years of a Kamala Harris administration without going bankrupt.
WEST PALM BEACH, FL — As the investigation into the second assassination attempt on former President Donald Trump continued, the Federal Bureau of Investigation said we may never know the motivation of the would-be assassin who was a Biden-Harris supporter and donated to Democrats 20 times.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Capitol Police responded to an urgent call amid reports of a loud disturbance in the congressional offices today. Michigan Congresswoman Rashida Tlaib was later reportedly uninjured after her pager mysteriously exploded.
TAMPA, FL — A local man’s fitness routine was just long enough for him to find the perfect podcast to listen to during his fitness routine, according to sources.
WASHINGTON, D.C. – In an interview with Rachel Maddow, former presidential candidate and email server technician Hillary Clinton called for the imprisonment of anyone who spreads misleading information online and accused the First Amendment of being Russian disinformation.
VATICAN CITY — After a morning of reading headlines from The Babylon Bee, the 266th pope of the Catholic Church sentenced all the paper’s writers to seven trillion years in purgatory.
