It’s a dark time to be a progressive. But it’s the Thanksgiving season, which means it’s time to be thankful to whatever non-specific deity or power you believe in. Let’s try to keep up that spirit of gratitude by reminding ourselves of these ten things libs can still be thankful for:
CAMBRIDGE, MA — A team of high-level researchers expanded its working hours this week to intensify efforts to finish an important project before the Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE) cuts its funding, as the scientists worked feverishly to complete a study on the effects of giving meth to jetpack-wearing hamsters.
ZOAR — In an attempt to help her find a homeopathic solution to her excessive sodium levels, local patriarch Lot suggested to his salt pillar wife that she should start drinking more water.
WORLD — In the most significant escalation yet of America’s involvement, President Biden has authorized Ukraine to use the Holy Hand Grenade in battle against the Russians.
NASHVILLE — The Southern Baptist Convention has long had a strict “frown upon” policy on dancing among its membership, but that’s about to change. The SBC’s executive committee announced Thursday that dancing is now permitted, provided it is the Trump Dance.
U.S. — In order to avoid further lawsuits, Sunny Hostin was forced to read a legal notice on camera acknowledging that not a single statement made on The View in the entire history of the show has been even remotely true.
It’s everywhere — Donald Trump’s trademark fist-pumping dance has officially gone viral. From Political rallies and social media to NFL stadiums and the UFC Octagon, there’s no escaping pop culture’s latest trend.
BAY SPRINGS, MS — A local Baptist church took its fundraising to a whole new level this week by selling an exciting pin-up calendar consisting of photos of different casseroles.
SALT LAKE CITY, UT — Costco announced this week that it would be rolling out new “Mormon Family Size” items for even larger families of a particular religious persuasion.
WASHINTON, D.C. — In a stealth move aimed at rounding up as many illegal immigrants as possible, President-Elect Donald Trump was reportedly finalizing plans to set up taco traps around the D.C. area.
WASHINTON, D.C. — Multiple Republican senators and representatives expressed worry that adding trans members to Congress would make their monthly coke orgies more awkward.
AUSTIN, TX — Two Christian friends recently resolved to just get dinner together in Heaven sometime after they missed their third rescheduled get-together.
PALM BEACH, FL — Evidence of America’s new focus on health and proper diet already began to appear, as restaurant customers reported seeing Robert F. Kennedy Jr. lurking at McDonald’s in a Grimace costume waiting to bust unhealthy eaters.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Anonymous sources within the White House confirmed reports of rising tension between President Joe Biden and Vice President Kamala Harris after Harris allegedly asked Biden to stop doing the Trump dance during cabinet meetings.
Much has been made about President-Elect Donald Trump’s decision to place Robert F. Kennedy Jr. in charge of the Department of Health and Human Services, with some members of the media speculating that it will end life in America as we know it. But just what plans does RFK Jr. have in store to make […]
U.S. — Tech companies are reportedly getting ready for a future in which all liberals will require their own individual social media platforms so they can avoid encountering wrong opinions.
PALM BEACH, FL — President-elect Donald Trump just announced that he has successfully brought a resolution to the Russia-Ukraine war by convincing Putin and Zelenskyy to resolve their differences with a monster Beyblade fight.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Having failed to stop him thus far, Democrats have implemented their last-ditch attempt to prevent Donald Trump from taking office by starting World War 3.
U.S. — The upcoming Secretary of Health & Human Services has reportedly ballooned to a horrific 350 lbs after a single bite of McDonald’s. Sources confirm Robert F. Kennedy, Jr. was bullied into taking a bite of the unhealthy food for a photo op aboard Trump Force One.
WILMINGTON, DE — After finding out how much money former heavyweight boxing champion Mike Tyson made from his highly publicized Netflix exhibition fight, failed presidential candidate Kamala Harris announced plans to pay back her $20 million campaign debt by agreeing to fight Jake Paul early next year.
FORT WAYNE, IN — Local man Everett Johnson recently discovered an incredible Christian hack when he closed his morning prayer by asking for “infinity more” prayers.
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