COLUMBIA, SC — Watching in awe as Blue Origin’s New Glenn rocket exploded in spectacular fashion, local man Dennis Rogers was glad to finally see what his wife’s Amazon purchases had funded.
OKLAHOMA CITY, OK — In a touching ceremony, basketball legend LeBron James finally passed the official “King of Flops” crown on to the Oklahoma City Thunder’s Shai Gilgeous-Alexander.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Washington Democrats condemned President Donald Trump this week for “violating the sanctity of the White House” by daring to host a professional MMA fight on the same hallowed grounds where Biden once welcomed topless trannies.
Senatorial candidate James Talarico is taking the world by storm thanks to his no-nonsense approach to compromising on Christianity. Now, with the new James Talarico Bible translation, you can wield the Word of God with just as much inaccuracy.
U.S. — Former journalist Megyn Kelly announced on her podcast today that listeners could now save 20% on products from sponsor Brooklyn Bedding by using the promo code “ALLAHUAKBAR.”
WASHINGTON D.C. — With Americans struggling as gasoline costs continue to soar, Congress assured citizens that it remained laser-focused on fixing the issues with the NCAA transfer portal.
KASHYYYK — A therapist working with famed Star Wars icon Chewbacca told his colleagues this week that he was trying to teach the Wookiee how to deal with his anger issues in more constructive ways that don’t involve ripping people’s arms off. Dr. Aris Thorne, a licensed galactic psychotherapist, confirmed on Friday that he had […]
Ten years ago, this world lost one of its greatest heroes: Harambe, the gorilla. Friend to many and beloved by all, the loss of Harambe left a gaping hole that changed the course of history.
AUSTIN, TX — James Talarico drew attention in recent months with his candidacy for Texas senator, but he reportedly had a bit of trouble appealing to the average Texan. To help with that, the Democratic Party sent in Minnesota Governor Tim Walz to give him “not acting gay” lessons.
MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA — Search engine giant Google released data this week showing that searches for “military schools near me” skyrocketed about ten minutes into the first day of summer vacation.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Arizona Senator Elizabeth Warren called for a dramatic change to the U.S. tax code that would apply an additional 90% tax rate on puppies.
REHOBOTH BEACH, DE — Former First Lady Dr. Jill Biden revealed in an interview that she thought her husband Joe was having a stroke during the 2024 Presidential debate, which is why she left him up on stage to die.
KANSAS CITY, KS — With economic concerns still growing across the United States, one local family explained that they feel they have been hit especially hard by the price of necessities like gas, groceries, Netflix, DoorDash, Discount Wine Club, and their Pie-of-the-Month subscription, and other basic essentials.
SACRAMENTO, CA — In a decisive move toward preventing any citizen journalists from uncovering massive fraud and corruption in the state moving forward, California officially passed a law making it a crime to report a crime.
AUSTIN, TX — Representative James Talarico was seen today gleefully dropkicking a labradoodle as he assured onlookers that Jesus had never explicitly said that you can’t dropkick a labradoodle.
NASHVILLE, TN — The Southern Baptist Convention voted to adopt a new church policy on Wednesday where tasers can be used on visitors who try to sneak past the church greeters.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Despite ongoing bombing operations being carried out in recent days, members of the Trump White House announced that the peace deal with Iran was completely done except for all the important parts.
RED ROCKS, CO — Local concertgoers experienced a wave of dread Friday night when indie-rock front man Julian Vance announced the band was going to “play a little something from the new album.”
CALGARY — One elderly woman was convinced that her life was soon going to change forever, as the Canadian grandmother expressed excitement after hearing that her family was preparing to hire a MAID.
TEXAS — With the field now set for the Texas Senate race, Democrats are hopeful that the average Texan voter wants to ban steak and believes God is gay.
PROVO, UT — Local wife Allie Goodman told her husband that she identified with all five of the common “love languages,” and she was not sure which one she wanted today, but he was just going to have to guess.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Tragedy unfolded in the nation’s capital again today, as multiple assassins attempting to kill President Donald Trump accidentally shot each other.
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