SILVER SPRING, MD — An abjectly sinful four-month-old baby appeared to pay no attention whatsoever to the sermon at Bethel Lutheran Church this morning.
U.S. — The countrywide “No Kings” protests are being hailed as an unmitigated success as after two days of rallies, America still does not have any kings.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Trump stated that he actually kind of liked the ring of “King Trump” after hearing the term for the first time at Saturday’s “No Kings” protest.
U.S. — Millions of Americans took to the streets today in order to express to the world their total and absolute ignorance about the political system they live in.
U.S. — Baseball fans across the country rent their garments and cried out in anguish tonight, asking the Almighty God how long they must suffer after the Los Angeles Dodgers swept the Milwaukee Brewers to once again advance to the World Series.
SCRANTON, PA — The upcoming weekend promised to be a fun one for one local family, as they were excited to get a new inkjet printer that would work flawlessly for the first six hours and then never again.
The Daily Wire is stepping into the world of live-action television with The Pendragon Cycle, an ambitious adaptation of Stephen R. Lawhead’s popular fantasy novels. But show runner and former Daily Wire CEO Jeremy Boreing isn’t stopping there.
JONESBORO, AK — Services at a local Lutheran church were reportedly disrupted this week when the church organist added a blistering 10-minute organ solo to “A Mighty Fortress Is Our God.”
Budget crises are nothing new for New York City. Though the city has come a long way since the 1970s, when it was over $400 million in debt and required state and federal intervention, New York has been in the red for the past three years. Current projections suggest a surplus for 2026, but it’s […]
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy was reportedly invited to an official meeting in the Oval Office today after President Trump spotted him climbing a sycamore tree outside the White House just to see him.
GREENBELT, MD — A former Trump administration National Security Advisor’s legal defense faced an uphill battle, as news broke that John Bolton’s mustache had agreed to testify against him in exchange for immunity.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — A large ship carrying every kind of animal was successfully destroyed with the use of a tactical drone strike, the White House announced Friday, after President Trump authorized deadly force to take out what he claimed was a drug boat.
U.S. — A new setting on Google Maps was expected to save thousands of marriages by forgoing the optimum travel route to instead direct the husband along the route his wife thinks he should take.
TUCSON, AZ — Ahead of the upcoming holiday, local Christian mom Helen Richards reportedly couldn’t decide if she should allow her kids to dress up for Halloween or have them get into Heaven instead.
U.S. — Airline passengers of the world could finally breathe a sigh of relief, as all major airlines have introduced ejection seats for people who have loud conversations.
LONDON — As the fun and excitement of America’s Major League Baseball season draws to a dramatic close, the British had reportedly taken it upon themselves to join in and set up their own league. However, they have reportedly mucked it up, sadly getting the rules all wrong, forgetting to wear gloves, using flat bats, […]
GAZA — Day-to-day life in the terrorist occupied area of Gaza settled back into its normal pre-war routine, as with Israel’s withdrawal to comply with the ceasefire agreement, Hamas was finally able to conduct public executions in peace.
An anonymous source inside The Babylon Bee has published a string of highly embarrassing text messages, which have now begun circulating online. We wish we could go back in time, unsay these terrible things, and beat the people responsible with a sock full of nickels. But we can’t, so we’re going to do the right […]
President Trump’s historic ceasefire agreement made headlines all over the world, but depending on which news outlet you checked, you might get a completely different story.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — After Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson claimed in court today that all black people are mentally disabled, Justice Clarence Thomas gently informed her that it’s actually just her.
CHICAGO — To reduce spending, the Chicago Police Department has reportedly introduced a new policy where they tape off locations that aren’t murder scenes.
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