SAN ANTONIO, TX — Sources confirmed that local 40-year-old Marcus Harper officially entered the developmental stage of adulthood characterized by an intense, borderline-religious obsession with researching electrolytes.
SAN DIEGO, CA — According to breaking news reports, John Bolton agreed to plead guilty to one count of illegally retaining classified national security information in exchange for only serving five years confined to a walrus exhibit at Sea World.
Sociological experts and podcasters agree: Living in Russia is far superior to living in the United States. From their pristine subways and plentiful grocery stores to the clearly secure and not-at-all-suspect way they hold elections, Russia is the place to be.
FRANKLIN, KY — Following a long day at work in the middle of what had been a stressful week of responsibilities and anxiety, one local man decided to take a much-needed break from reality by turning on CNN.
BEIRUT — With ongoing hostilities breaking out in Iran and Lebanon, eliciting retaliatory strikes against Israel and U.S. military targets in the region, geopolitical experts confirmed that ceasefire continued to rage across the Middle East.
LONDON — As deadly stabbings continued to run unchecked across the United Kingdom, British citizens wished there were some kind of ranged weapon that shoots high-velocity ammunition to protect them from knife attacks.
SACRAMENTO — California officials announced on Wednesday that they had finally finished counting the votes and Ronald Reagan had officially won the 1966 governor’s race.
NEW YORK, NY — After the firing of longtime contributor Scott Pelley due to ongoing conflicts with producers, the long-running CBS News program 60 Minutes began its search for a new pompous blowhard.
LOS ANGELES, CA — Filmmaker George Lucas was reportedly branching out into Bible sales with a bold new special edition of God’s Word, featuring a new edit where Malchus attacks Peter first.
AUSTIN, TX — Senate candidate James Talarico was busy campaigning today when he noticed that the time had reached 5 PM. That meant that it was time for his daily ritual: painting some stubble on his face.
SAN FRANCISCO, CA — A parade celebrating Pride Month was forced to suddenly change course after participants informed organizers that none of them were allowed within 200 yards of a local elementary school.
TAMPA, FL — Social media influencer Lena Baker announced on her Instagram page this week that she had given birth to her third revenue stream, a beautiful little girl named Brinley.
U.S. — While making media appearances to promote her new book, Jill Biden assured the nation that her husband’s old age did not in any way hamper her ability to serve as president.
BURBANK, CA — In an effort to win back disgruntled fans, Disney executives announced a brand-new Star Wars film trilogy centered entirely around Jar Jar Binks, one of the most popular characters in the franchise.
U.S. — Several companies across the U.S. posting special Pride Month versions of their logos on social media were apparently unaware that Donald Trump is currently president.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — After seeing carefully negotiated ceasefires between the U.S. and Iran and Israel and Hezbollah fail to bring about lasting peace in the troubled region, President Donald Trump was reportedly shocked to learn that genocidal jihadists often don’t negotiate in good faith.
NEW YORK, NY — For the month of June, episodes of Sesame Street will now be preceded by a warning indicating that the show is no longer suitable for children, Sesame Workshop announced on Tuesday.
AUGUSTA, ME — While Republicans continued working overtime to smear Senate candidate Graham Platner because of all the awful things he is and does, Platner had enough and decided to fight back.
It’s Pride Month again, making this the perfect time of year to see what inspirational passages can be found in God’s Word that pertain to the subject.
AGOURA HILLS, CA — Officials working on new construction in California were surprised to learn that their own state, which was struggling to build a bridge for butterflies over the course of four years at a cost of over $100 million, had apparently once developed and built the P-51 Mustang in just 102 days.
SAN BERNARDINO, CA — An attack ad against a Republican candidate reportedly had the opposite effect when it convinced a local man to vote for the Republican.
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