HOUSTON, TX — Upon seeing a cute new girl at school this morning, local teenager Jeremy Camden felt pretty sure the Holy Spirit was leading him to go talk to her and maybe invite her to hang out on Friday.
Poor Kamala has struggled during interviews to think of any differences between herself and President Biden, so the Babylon Bee has graciously decided to help her out! Here is a helpful list of the ten clear, distinct differences between Kamala Harris and Joe Biden:
Poor Kamala has struggled during interviews to think of any differences between herself and President Biden, so the Babylon Bee has graciously decided to help her out! Here is a helpful list of the ten clear, distinct differences between Kamala Harris and Joe Biden:
Poor Kamala has struggled during interviews to think of any differences between herself and President Biden, so the Babylon Bee has graciously decided to help her out! Here is a helpful list of the ten clear, distinct differences between Kamala Harris and Joe Biden:
With a potentially catastrophic storm hurtling through the Gulf, Floridians have been asking one question: was “Milton” really the best they could come up with? Here are 9 alternatives that would have been way, way cooler:
TAMPA, FL — As yet another tragic side-effect of the impending destruction expected to be caused by Hurricane Milton when it makes landfall, experts predicted the wave of Waffle House closures would force crackheads to go fight out in the streets.
U.S. — Millions of homosexuals have reportedly starved to death after Colorado’s Supreme Court affirmed the right of Jack Phillips to refuse to bake gay wedding cakes.
SEATTLE, WA — A historic milestone was reached in the sport of hockey last night, and despite losing the first game of the season, the first female NHL coach said she was happy to see her team score so many touchdowns.
NEW YORK, NY — Following allegations of showing different clips of Kamala answering the same question, CBS News defended themselves by revealing they interviewed Kamala Harris for 721 hours in order to compile 60 minutes of usable footage.
NEW YORK, NY — Following allegations of showing different clips of Kamala answering the same question, CBS News defended themselves by revealing they interviewed Kamala Harris for 721 hours in order to compile 60 minutes of usable footage.
WASHINGTON, DC — Kamala revealed a new strategy to combat the devastation of Hurricane Milton by simply saying “Don’t” to the massive storm system with 150mph winds.
As any dragon, leprechaun, and eccentric jewelry collector will tell you, it can be difficult to find a good place to hide your gold. Some poor saps put it in a safe deposit box or a vault, not realizing that any two-bit gold thief will look in those places first.
NEW YORK, NY — Local man Bradley Hart caught some awkward stares from members of his church small group earlier this week after the 38-year-old claimed that he “just doesn’t have time to memorize Scripture,” despite the fact that he had evidently committed the entire 1986 New York Mets roster to memory.
SEATTLE, WA — Tragedy struck the city of Seattle today as Minnesota Governor Tim Walz quickly walked by a polygraph machine near a campaign event and caused it to explode.
GARY, IN — Sources close to local man Caleb Norbert reported that the 43-year-old husband and father had tragically slipped into a deep depression after realizing he had run out of things to pressure-wash.
TAMPA, FL — FEMA announced this week they don’t have enough resources to block any outside humanitarian aid coming into Florida and surrounding states ahead of Hurricane Milton.
U.S. — In a potentially disastrous turn of events, campaign staffers close to Kamala Harris confirmed that the vice president had learned the word “indubitably,” just in time for her upcoming interviews with The View, Howard Stern, and Stephen Colbert.
U.S. — As weather reports came in about Hurricane Milton taking the shape of the Star of David just before making landfall with the eastern coast of Florida, Georgia Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene was heard telling anyone who would listen she had warned them about this.
GALILEE — With controversy erupting over allegations that weather patterns and catastrophic storms are somehow generated and controlled from behind the scenes by a specific people group, conclusive evidence came to light of a Jew controlling the weather.
NEW YORK, NY — Always a lightning rod for controversy, longtime radio “shock jock” Howard Stern came under fire this week for allegedly exploiting yet another mentally challenged guest for cheap laughs.
BUTLER, PA — Prominent Democrats recently came under fire for cruel insensitivity after they callously mocked an autistic African American jumping up and down for joy at a recent political rally.
With thousands of people still missing and countless more in desperate need of food, water, and assistance, you may be looking for ways to get help to victims of Hurricane Helene. But WAIT! First, you must sneak that aid past the ever-watchful eyes of FEMA so they don’t confiscate it.
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