WASHINGTON, D.C. — With the Senate approving a new funding bill and sending it across the hall for a House of Representatives vote set for Wednesday night, a group of top Democrats somberly removed their sombreros to signal the end of the government shutdown.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — With the Senate approving a new funding bill and sending it across the hall for a House of Representatives vote set for Wednesday night, a group of top Democrats somberly removed their sombreros to signal the end of the government shutdown.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a bit of uplifting news today, a group of senile senior citizens in the D.C. area will finally be able to say that they have jobs.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a bit of uplifting news today, a group of senile senior citizens in the D.C. area will finally be able to say that they have jobs.
HEAVEN — After throwing off this mortal coil, local man Kevin Reese was prepared to give an account of his life to God, only to find himself in line right behind Tim Tebow.
MIAMI, FL — Now that a majority of players have been arrested on charges of illegal sports gambling, the Miami Heat announced that the golden retriever affectionately known as “Air Bud” had finally been called up to play in the NBA.
PEARLY GATES — Heavenly sources confirmed that Saint Peter had grown weary running the front desk of Heaven due to the number of questions he continually received about the Nephilim.
LAUSANNE — The International Olympic Committee (IOC) formally revoked the right of transgender athletes to participate in sporting events of the gender they identify with after watching an old episode of Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood.
U.S. — Banks across the United States announced today that they would now require an applicant’s grandkids to co-sign on a 50-year mortgage “just in case.”
PENSACOLA, FL — As the end of his first semester at the local Bible college loomed ever nearer, freshman Jed Clines started to worry about his prospects of ever winning a wife.
WOODSTOCK, ME — Political commentator Tucker Carlson sparked controversy this week when he welcomed Bigfoot onto his show to discuss how mind-controlling chemtrails are sprayed over the flat earth by the Jews.
OŚWIĘCIM — Jews on their way to their imminent deaths reportedly overheard a guard at the Auschwitz-Birkenau Death Camp, later identified as Maximilian Mulka, rejecting claims that he hated Jewish people, saying, “I don’t hate the Jews or anything, just Zionists.”
LAS VEGAS, NV — Following a recent performance by a legendary band of their greatest hits, fans posted online about how they couldn’t believe how much the lead singer had aged in the last 50 years.
FRANKLIN, TN — Financial consultant and radio host Dave Ramsey was reported to be in critical condition Monday after learning that President Donald Trump had begun pushing a 50-year home mortgage.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — With the end of the government shutdown in sight, the United States Congress was reportedly preparing to pivot from doing nothing because of the shutdown to doing nothing because they’re Congress.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a bid to bring down housing costs for struggling Americans trying to afford to purchase a home, President Donald Trump unveiled a plan that would normalize the utilization of eternal mortgages.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The record-length shutdown of the federal government was finally set to reach its conclusion, as Senate Democrats agreed to end the shutdown in exchange for a 15% off coupon to Cracker Barrel.
JERUSALEM — What had been hailed as one of the wisest decisions of all time was declared null and void today, as a federal judge overturned King Solomon’s verdict and ordered a baby from a recent maternity dispute to be cut in two.
GREENSBORO, NC — A local mother and father joined the crowd gathered for another round of musical recital performances on Saturday, as their son patiently awaited his turn to butcher “Für Elise.”
NEW YORK, NY — In a reversal of yesterday’s announcement, Rockstar Games revealed that the hotly anticipated Grand Theft Auto VI is, in fact, available now. Rockstar President and co-founder Sam Houser confirmed that the game was finally completed and ready for digital download immediately — unfortunately, the trumpet of God has sounded and everyone […]
PHOENIX, AZ — New York City Mayor-elect Zohran Mamdani has officially been named this year’s top U-Haul salesman, ending a record-breaking five-year streak from California Governor Gavin Newsom.
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- Aug 9th 2025 5:17pm EDT