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News From The Babylon Bee

  • SATIRE – Weak Christian Needs Bible Tabs To Find Habakkuk

    The Babylon Bee - Aug 14th 2022 5:36pm EDT (Archive)

    SIOUX FALLS, SD — Local man Tom Goodwin completely embarrassed himself at church this morning after being forced to resort to his Bible tabs to locate the book of Habakkuk.

  • SATIRE – Bridesmaid At Cana Wedding Asks Jesus To Turn The Water Into ‘I Dunno, Something Sweet, But Not Too Sweet, Maybe Kinda Fruity?’

    The Babylon Bee - Aug 14th 2022 12:07pm EDT

    CANA — After hearing wine was back on the menu, local bridesmaid Abigail approached Jesus and asked if He could turn the water into something a little fruity, but not too sweet.

  • SATIRE – Angels Announce McDonald’s Ice Cream Machines On New Earth Will Work 67% Of The Time

    The Babylon Bee - Aug 14th 2022 11:51am EDT (Archive)

    ST. LOUIS, MO — After hearing another cry to the Almighty over a broken McDonald’s ice cream machine, the Lord sent an angel to reassure believers that in Christ’s Kingdom the machines will at least work the majority of the time.

  • SATIRE – Opinion: Concerns About FBI Raids Have Been Overblown And There’s No Need To Wor—Hang On, There’s A Knock At The Door

    The Babylon Bee - Aug 13th 2022 2:43pm EDT (Archive)

    BABYLON BEE HEADQUARTERS — We here at the Babylon Bee have been deeply saddened over the past days to see such mean-spirited criticism of our favorite institution of American government, the dearly beloved Federal Bureau of Investigation.

  • SATIRE – Nine Subtle Hints Your Wife Might Be Mad At You

    The Babylon Bee - Aug 13th 2022 2:36pm EDT (Archive)

    Women are such unbelievably mysterious creatures, trying to figure out when one is mad at you can be, well, maddening! To help, we at the Babylon Bee have collected these very subtle clues to help men know when trouble is afoot.

  • SATIRE – Harvard Med School Officially Replaces Oath ‘Do No Harm’ With ‘Mutilate Kids For Money’

    The Babylon Bee - Aug 13th 2022 9:39am EDT (Archive)

    BOSTON, MA — In light of so-called “gender affirming care” making the Hippocratic Oath silly and outdated, Harvard Medical School has officially adopted the new oath “Mutilate Kids For Money.”

  • SATIRE – Mar-A-Lago Search Warrant Claims Trump Had Acquired All Six Infinity Stones

    The Babylon Bee - Aug 12th 2022 5:48pm EDT (Archive)

    WASHINGTON, D.C. — The newly released search warrant of Mar-a-Lago claims that Trump had recently aquired all six infinity stones and was keeping them on a fully assembled infinity gauntlet in his closet.

  • SATIRE – Jeffrey Toobin Departing CNN To Expose Himself To New Audiences

    The Babylon Bee - Aug 12th 2022 5:09pm EDT (Archive)

    NEW YORK, NY — After 20 years at CNN, Legal Analyst Jeffrey Toobin has decided to part ways with the news organization to expose himself to new audiences.

  • SATIRE – AOC Says It’s Dumb For Republicans To Call U.S. A Banana Republic Since It’s More Like A Forever 21

    The Babylon Bee - Aug 12th 2022 4:37pm EDT (Archive)

    WASHINGTON, D.C. — Rep Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez disputed claims of Republicans who claim the U.S. has devolved into a banana republic following the raid on former President Trump’s Florida residence, saying that America is more like a Forever 21.

  • SATIRE – God Confirms Chips And Salsa Were Blessed In Eternity Past And May Be Eaten Before Prayer

    The Babylon Bee - Aug 12th 2022 3:58pm EDT (Archive)

    WORLD — Scholars have finally confirmed that it’s not necessary to say a blessing for pre-meal chips and salsa, as they were already blessed in eternity past before the foundations of the world.

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