KINGDOM OF GONDOR — The people of Gondor are beginning to wonder if they should move their capital city of Minas Tirith away from the big fiery shadow mountains filled with orcs that hate them and seem intent on killing them all.
EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ — Rico Dynamite, a long-time Idaho resident and former high school starting quarterback for the Preston Indians, was reportedly signed by the New York Jets in a surprise deal that is sure to win them the championship.
Take it from us as free Americans, Qatar is the greatest country on earth. Way better than America, like way better. And that’s a fact. Don’t believe us? Check out these 12 reasons it’s better than America.
NURN, MORDOR — Political commentator Tucker Carlson has reportedly purchased a piece of property in the land of Mordor, where the shadows lie. This will be Carlson’s fourth house and his first next to a slave camp.
PHOENIX, AZ — Local toddler Carver Brett struck it rich earlier today after the magnetic tile house he built during naptime got listed on Zillow for $280,000.
INDIANAPOLIS, IN — In the wake of controversy over teams being snubbed and left out of the postseason championship tournament, the NCAA reluctantly confirmed that the College Football Playoff selections were made by an alcoholic penguin.
VATICAN CITY — Catholics and Protestants around the world expressed concern this week, as Pope Leo XVI gave his recommendation that Christians pray the rosary while facing in the direction of Mecca.
NEW YORK CITY — Sources close to Gary Bard say that the long-time atheist is looking forward to the warmth and cheer of arbitrary cultural traditions with no transcendent meaning again this year.
U.S. — Movie fans across the country have expressed concern that Warner Bros’ sale to Netflix could lead to comic book movies becoming over-bloated, soulless cash grabs.
PASADENA, CA — A family of Jehovah’s Witnesses continued their annual tradition of piling into the car and going for a drive to look at houses without Christmas lights.
After a bidding war, Netflix has secured a deal to buy Warner Bros. Discovery for a reported $82.7 billion. Once the deal is finalized, fans will notice significant changes to beloved WB properties like Harry Potter, Looney Tunes, and Superman IV: The Quest for Peace.
KANSAS CITY, MO — Rumors swirled that the Kansas City Chiefs’ disappointing season had led one of the world’s biggest celebrities to reconsider her future, with Taylor Swift hoping that Travis Kelce had forgotten that they were engaged.
CAMILLA, GA — A routine family game night almost ended in disaster after a young child asked to play Monopoly. Fortunately for everyone involved, better heads prevailed, and the game of Monopoly was narrowly avoided.
ANAHEIM, CA — Dad and budget hawk Kevin Peterson told his kids that the family was just one accidentally opened hotel minibar waterbottle away from complete financial ruin.
BORDENTOWN, NJ — According to reports, a customer at Tricky Auto Repair located on South Egg Harbor Road successfully negotiated his vehicle maintenance down from a routine $75 oil change to a mere $2,000 full brakes and rotor replacement.
READING, PA — According to sources, a local mother was carefully looking through the toy aisles of a nearby store for the perfect present that her child would break in four seconds.
CARACAS — A young employee’s burgeoning career took a massive step forward this week, as a junior cartel member was excited to find out that he was already getting an opportunity to drive the boat.
CALEXICO, CA — Venezuelan drug mule-turned-drug lord Gilberto Juarez turned himself in to U.S. federal law enforcement on Thursday so that President Donald Trump would pardon him instead of blowing him up.
WOODBRIDGE, VA — Local man Brian Cole Jr. reportedly had his invitation to the annual FBI Christmas Party rescinded after being arrested under suspicion that he was the January 6 Pipe Bomber.
GEORGETOWN, DE — According to sources, local husband and father Randy Austin issued a house-wide travel ban on any vehicles coming from Amazon in a sweeping executive directive his wife found off-putting.
MILWAUKEE, WI — In one of the greatest deceptions known to mankind, a child who spent her entire nap looking like a perfect little angel while asleep transformed into a demonic hellion immediately upon waking up.
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