SACRAMENTO, CA — Governor Gavin Newsom has reportedly been advised by his closest supporters to stop doing meth before posting on social media for the sake of his political career.
COLUMBUS, OH — Sources close to local man Jevon Willis say that the 28-year-old was tragically deprived of the opportunity to be moved by Vergil’s “Aeneid” because the classical masterpiece did not contain a character of exactly his race, sex, and socio-economic class.
ANN ARBOR, MI — To get ready for a political debate at the University of Michigan campus, local Democrat Fred Phillips headed down to the gun range to practice.
U.S. — Democrats sounded the alarm over Trump’s prosecution of former FBI Director James Comey, warning that the prosecution of political opponents could set a dangerous precedent for America’s democracy.
It’s official: According to the U.S. government, taking Tylenol is “not good.” However, this raises questions about how people should treat their headaches going forward.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump warned the public against chugging Windex and other off-brand window cleaners on Friday, causing millions of Democrats to chug Windex.
U.S. — The new memoir by the former vice president will include a revolutionary new feature, as publishers announced that Kamala Harris’s audiobook lets you pick which accent you want to hear for each chapter.
GAZA — Amid recent explosions of left-wing terrorism around the country, Hamas issued a rare public statement this morning to ask Democrats to please tone down the violence a little bit.
President Trump created a buzz yesterday by updating the White House’s Presidential Walk of Fame for historical accuracy, beginning with replacing President Joe Biden’s portrait with that of the autopen that did all his work for him.
U.S. — In a move to capitalize on the current heightened volatility of the political climate, one ammunition manufacturer unveiled a new giant shell casing with more room for left-wing terrorists to write out all their motives in detail.
NEW YORK, NY — While appearing on MSNBC’s Morning Joe, former Secretary of State and First Lady Hillary Clinton called for unity amidst the onslaught of political violence, saying, “We must all stop pointing fingers, as we all know the Republicans are to blame.”
NEW YORK, NY — While appearing on MSNBC’s Morning Joe, former Secretary of State and First Lady Hillary Clinton called for unity amidst the onslaught of political violence, saying, “We must all stop pointing fingers, as we all know the Republicans are to blame.”
People are always asking us: how do the writers at the Bee stay so hot and youthful? We decided to do the world a favor and give everyone a few tips on how you too can instantly become more attractive:
NEW YORK — Trump’s Tuesday speech at the United Nations Headquarters in Midtown Manhattan will officially be his last as he has announced plans to demolish the building and replace it with a tremendous UFC Arena.
TOPEKA, KS — As the congregation of Redeemer Church sang “Great Are You Lord”, the Holy Spirit patiently waited for the key change to hit before moving through the congregation.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In an update to make the party’s longtime insignia more accurate in reflecting its modern platform and constituency, Democrats unveiled a new logo featuring a donkey holding a sniper rifle.
U.S. — With President Donald Trump’s approval ratings showing signs of decline, former Vice President Kamala Harris dutifully stepped forward to launch a speaking tour to remind the nation why Trump was elected president.
NEW YORK — The President took time out of his busy schedule to go on a twenty-minute rant today about The Apprentice, describing it as a ratings disaster and “boring like you wouldn’t believe.” NBC was left with no choice but to bring the show back.
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