U.S. — Americans are doing lots of soul-searching after the midterms. According to reports, many are not sure if they want to be the kind of people who support a party running brain-damaged politicians or a party that loses to brain-damaged politicians.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Amid record discontent around the economy, inflation, and education, the Republican Party has narrowly managed to stave off what many thought would be a record-breaking red wave.
HARRISBURG, PA — In a miracle many are hailing as the greatest in 2,000 years, a humble voting machine has produced 5000 Democrat ballots out of only 5 ballots.
PENNSYLVANIA — Results from the midterm elections this week could take months or even years to come back, Pennsylvania election officials confirmed, after candidate John Fetterman insisted on counting the ballots himself. According to sources, Fetterman was handed a stack of ballots and began counting. “1… 2… 3…” he began, poll watchers claim, stating that […]
JERUSALEM — Scholars and archeologists have uncovered evidence in a dig outside the Temple Mount that indicates Israelite King Solomon spent up to 3 hours per day opening pickle jars for his 700 wives and 300 concubines.
MANCHESTER, NH – An investigation has revealed that National Public Radio (NPR), a state-funded nonprofit media organization in the United States, consists of just one white woman, Karen Atkinson, who does all the voices on NPR’s radio shows and podcasts.
MANHATTAN, NY — Famed actress and Democrat spokesperson for The View Whoopi Goldberg has decided she is leaving Twitter now that Elon Musk is in control. To provide a safe place for others leaving the platform, Whoopi announced the formation of her new site, Whoopi Social.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Fears are growing throughout the nation’s capital as record numbers of voters are turning out to polling stations across the country in an effort to end democracy as we know it. Leaders of both parties have been conducting closed-door meetings to determine what should be done.
PHOENIX, AZ — Radical young voter Lance Bean was awarded thirty votes after expertly entering the “Konami Code” into his electronic voting machine Tuesday. All votes reportedly went to Arizona gubernatorial candidate Katie Hobbs.
MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA — Google, the makers of the Nest™ thermostat that totally does not track your every movement and thought, has partnered with climate activist Greta Thunberg to make a thermostat that scowls at you when you attempt to turn the heat up.
Not sure how to vote in the vote? Become an informed voter quickly and easily with this in-depth Election Day Study Guide! We tell you exactly where the major parties stand on the key issues.
KANSAS CITY, MO — A local church was thrown into an uproar over the weekend as one congregant was instantly turned into a pillar of salt after turning back to glare at what was later found to be a faultless and righteous sound man.
MONTGOMERY, AL — According to sources, local man Jason Donaldson is feeling defeated in his Christian walk as he continues to struggle with sin over and over again. Also, he hasn’t read or opened his Bible since January 2nd of this year.
HOUSTON, TX — In a thrilling end to a stellar season, the Houston Astros beat the Philadelphia Phillies in game 6 to secure a World Series championship for the first time ever in the team’s history.
U.S. — In what analysts are calling “a referendum on career politicians,” voters throughout the nation are sending a message that they are fed up with “politics as usual” by electing a different set of career politicians than expected.
NEW YORK, NY — Saturday Night Live, a show dedicated solely to solemn social critiques and pedantic lectures, has made waves after inviting a real live comedian to perform.
NEW YORK, NY — Famed pollster Nate Silver has begun preparations for his biennial tradition of screaming on national television about how his completely erroneous polls were actually correct.
With companies pulling their ads from Twitter over the threat of hearing conservatives speak, Elon Musk has had to get creative in developing new revenue streams! Here are the nine new ways Mr. Musk is going to monetize Twitter:
DALLAS, TX — Local ophthalmologist Dr. Kyler Moore has admitted that the air puff machine doesn’t measure anything, and eye doctors do that purely for the joy of watching people flinch.
LOS ANGELES, CA — In a move designed to streamline the show’s format and make planning episodes much easier, ABC has announced that “The View” will now just be a solid hour of the show’s hosts beating white women with sticks.
