CHICAGO, IL — A local couple found themselves facing a challenging dilemma as they were confronted with deciding between giving their child a smartphone or just skipping the middle man and dropping the child off at a local pervert’s house.
U.S. – In a groundbreaking affirmative action program aimed at diversifying its workforce, Starbucks has hired its first and only straight white cis-male barista.
Elon Musk is in charge at Twitter – let that sink in for a moment! Unfortunately for many workers, he has already announced plans for mass layoffs of positions due to redundancies, inefficiencies, and unnecessary perks. Here are the positions we think are on the chopping block as Elon starts tightening up the ship: Powered […]
BANGOR, MN — American author Stephen King emerged from the shadows just before dawn Friday to file a copyright infringement claim in federal court. King is arguing that Drag Queen Story Hour violates his copyright around his infamous character Pennywise the Dancing Clown from the novel It — who is also a hideous clown who […]
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Despite suburban white women demurring from widespread Republican support in the 2020 election, new polling estimates a 25%+ increase in this key demographic’s projected support for conservatives in the upcoming midterm elections. This definitive pivot has caused widespread panic for Democratic operatives and candidates who are unsure of how to combat their […]
WASHINGTON, D.C. — After an adorably flirtatious back-and-forth with billionaire Elon Musk on Twitter, Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez was seen wistfully writing the name “Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez-Musk” in whimsical girly handwriting inside a heart in the pages of her notebook, sources say.
WILSON, WY — According to reports from residents living near Liz Cheney’s Wyoming home, the lame-duck representative for the state’s at-large congressional district is really feeling the spirit of the holidays. Although Thanksgiving is weeks away, Cheney is already putting up her January 6th decorations.
BUENA PARK, CA — A local man decided to indulge himself today, with the stay-at-home worker rewarding himself with a much-deserved three-hour break after he went above and beyond by replying to a simple email.
VANCOUVER, BC — This week, the Society For Prevention Of Cruelty To Celebrities (SPCC) launched a nationwide campaign to raise awareness about public figures buckling under a new expense that seems targeted specifically at them. The commercial advocates for compassionate viewers to donate $8 per month to sponsor a celebrity’s verified blue checkmark on Twitter. […]
RAYTOWN, MO — A gardener succeeded in his plot to ruin a local man’s important Zoom call by lurking in the bushes outside the man’s window and firing up his leaf blower as the business meeting began.
WASHINGTON, DC — As the date of next week’s midterm elections approaches, President Joe Biden used his Wednesday night address to warn everyone that the results may not immediately be known because it may take several days for enough Democrat votes to be harvested and double-counted.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a landmark bipartisan agreement, both Republican and Democrat leaders have agreed to accept the results of the 2022 election and not claim everything was rigged — as long as their side wins.
U.S. — As Republicans continue to expand their leads in polling across the country, Democrats are worried that the leads may soon grow beyond the normal margin of Democrat cheating.
The Federal Reserve controls the economy, prints trillions of dollars so they can make you poorer without taxing you, and raises interest rates on things because of reasons. Sound like something you’d be interested in?
SHELBIANA, KY — After months of searching, authorities have finally located 78-year-old Gale Ashworth, the only known living human who still thinks the Democrats are doing a great job governing the country.
SAN FRANCISCO, CA — New Twitter CEO Elon Musk, in a bold and forceful statement against sharing harmful disinformation, has suspended one of the largest purveyors of fake news on the entire social network: The New York Times.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — As Republicans continue to surge in the polls in the days leading up to the midterm elections, Democrats report being confused as to why their official “Do More Of What Got Us Into This Mess In The First Place” message isn’t resonating with everyday American voters.
SAN FRANCISCO, CA — Following months of silence regarding threats and attacks against churches and pro-life groups, legacy corporate media outlets have confirmed that the attack on Paul Pelosi warrants resuming coverage of political violence.
CORUSCANT — Acknowledging past decisions that, while well intended, were destructive, and learning a ragtag team of rebels might win again, the Galactic Empire has proposed amnesty for anyone who may have gotten a little carried away and blown up several planets.
GENEVA — An international Protestant council of scholars and theologians has met this week and formally declared that the commandment “Thou Shalt Not Steal” does not apply to parents repossessing their children’s Halloween haul.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — A growing number of progressives are requesting amnesty for extreme COVID policies that shattered countless lives, claiming it was in ignorance. This has prompted President Biden to also ask for amnesty for everything that happened during his first 2 years as President.
U.S. — Plumbers across the country are advising voting stations to perform common-sense pipe inspections ahead of midterm elections in light of a bombshell new report that speculates water pipes are so excited for midterms “they could just burst.”
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