U.S. — Amid shocking leaks that showed the Department of Homeland Security colluded with tech companies to suppress speech they disagreed with, Secretary of Homeland Security Alejandro Mayorkas has doubled down, promising to suppress as much speech as it takes to preserve democracy.
Many transphobic conservatives will refuse to send their sons and daughters to drag queen story hour just because they don’t want a grown man in lingerie spending time with their kids. But did you know there are many benefits to drag shows?
PORTLAND, OR — An age-old tradition continued today as a newly hired restaurant hostess received her ceremonial nose ring in front of her colleagues following the end of her initial shift.
SAN FRANCISCO, CA — In a shocking statement to police, Paul Pelosi claimed that he was assaulted by a man who threw hammers at him while shouting, “THIS IS MAGA COUNTRY!”
NEW BRAUNFELS, TX — With the arrival of Halloween, local parents are engaged in their annual tradition of buying giant bags of candy to give away to trick-or-treaters on their doorstep while simultaneously sending their own costumed children out to go door-to-door to collect giant bags of candy.
CLEVELAND, OH — According to sources, local parents Josh and Madelyn Bledge are sitting on their back porch relishing the crisp fall air and looking on lovingly as their kids frolic in a pile of autumn leaves and dog poop.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Halloween got off to a rocky start at the White House Monday when President Joe Biden complimented Dylan Mulvaney on his girl costume. The TikTok star, who sat for an interview with the commander-in-chief just last week, was reportedly unable to convince the president that he was not in costume. Powered by […]
U.S. — Experts say they remain baffled at the phenomenon of candy manufacturers still insisting on making flavors other than the undisputed best flavor of all time: green apple.
We have all had to hold back on Twitter over the past several years, as even the most benignly contrarian take could land you in Twitter jail. Well, it’s finally sinking in that Elon Musk has taken the helm, and here are ten controversial things you can now say on Twitter to prove it: Powered […]
LEHI, UT — A local attorney specializing in heated, bitter divorces has seen his business thrive since he set up shop at the exit of his local IKEA store. This convenient location has provided him with a plethora of couples who had been happily married before entering the store, but were now more than ready […]
NORTH KOREA — Through diplomatic channels, America has offered for Kim Jong-Un to test out his nuclear arsenal at the next Astros-Phillies World Series game.
SAN JOSE, CA — Roku has become a popular software platform, with more and more smart TVs incorporating its streaming services. But the Silicon Valley tech company recently recognized a major problem: only 62% of users reported losing a Roku remote immediately after setting it down on the couch or bed. To increase these “rookie […]
SAN FRANCISCO, CA — With Elon Musk acquiring Twitter, many heartbroken Leftists expressed concern they may soon have to resort to just not reading tweets they don’t like.
TUSCALOOSA, AL — According to sources close to local man Greg Bernard, the construction sales representative, husband, and father of five often makes cracks about how emotional and moody his wife is, despite the fact that he himself is only happy if his favorite sportsball team scores more points than the other sportsball team on […]
LOS ANGELES, CA — After being dropped by Adidas and several other lucrative sponsors for controversial comments about the Jews, Kanye West has desperately been looking for other companies who might be willing to sponsor him. This morning he announced he has struck a deal with Crocs footwear.
U.S. — Babylon Bee writers are scrambling to come up with a last-minute new joke worth the $44 billion Elon Musk spent to bring the satirists back on Twitter.
Despite the fact that Americans view at least 327 prescription drug ads per day, we don’t seem to be very healthy! We at The Babylon Bee consulted our trusted panel of medical experts and Reddit to come up with some of the best home remedies for whatever ails you!
Greetings, Babylon Bee readers. You may or may not be aware of the case of Novak v. City of Parma, Ohio. A quick rundown for the layperson: Mr. Anthony Novak was temporarily jailed for creating a parody Facebook page of his local police department. He has thus far been unsuccessful in suing for damages, as […]
SAN FRANCISCO, CA — Elon Musk claimed his $44 billion purchase of Twitter was to fight for free speech and turn the social media company profitable. But after Musk showed up at Twitter headquarters this week carrying a sink all so he could say “Let that sink in,” he’s admitted the purchase was all just […]
MIRAMAR, FL — Spirit Airlines has hammered yet another nail into the coffin of ableism by hiring the world’s first blind commercial airline pilot. Flight 2047 from Orlando to Saint Louis is set to be the first vision-impaired flight. The co-pilot will reportedly wear a blindfold for the duration of the flight out of solidarity […]
SAN FRANCISCO, CA — Only hours after officially taking over Twitter, Elon Musk has taken action on firing underperforming employees. After reviewing the metrics on individual employee productivity, Musk abruptly fired 3,200 Twitter team members and replaced them with Amar.
PHILADELPHIA, PA — Democrats were praised by ableism awareness advocates this week for nominating a blind possum with brain damage to the Senate race in Pennsylvania.
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