WASHINGTON, D.C. — According to sources at the White House, Joe Biden admitted after his interview with trans TikTok star Dylan Mulvaney that he didn’t “feel right” about the meeting, as “something kind of smelled off about that broad.”
SAN FRANCISCO, CA — As Elon Musk takes over Twitter this week and begins looking for ways to make the $44 billion-dollar company more profitable, some employees are starting to worry about the future of their jobs.
BRADDOCK, PA — According to sources, Senate candidate John Fetterman was eating a quiet breakfast this morning when he suddenly blurted out the rest of the answer to question 3 of the debate from two nights ago.
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SAN FRANCISCO, CA — Following a roller coaster of negotiations and threats of legal action, Elon Musk is now at the final stretch of acquiring Twitter. With this purchase, Musk has announced plans to reduce Twitter’s workforce to only 280 characters.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — After inviting biological man Dylan Mulvaney to the White House to discuss the challenges of being a woman, the Biden White House has announced a follow-up summit in which he will host Jimmy Kimmel for an in-depth discussion on what it’s like to be black.
HARRISBURG, PA — Midway through his debate against Dr. Oz this week, the Democratic candidate for Pennsylvania’s open Senate seat issued a heated reminder that “Fetterman” was the name of the scientist who created him and not his own name.
NASHVILLE, TN — According to sources, Daily Wire political commentator Matt Walsh is horrified after DailyWire+ announced a new Matt Walsh-themed anime series entitled Libslayer One-Beard Man With Walrus.
HARRISBURG, PA — After witnessing last night’s debate between Senate candidates Mehmet Oz and John Fetterman, the people of Pennsylvania have overwhelmingly voted to just have no representation in the Senate at all.
ATLANTA, GA — After extensive research, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention announced that the declining math and English scores of American students were being added to its list of COVID-19 symptoms.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — White House security is in turmoil after it was revealed that former President Donald Trump had snuck back into the White House by disguising himself as a trans TikTok star.
U.S. — After making antisemitic comments in several interviews, Kanye West has lost several key sponsors, including Adidas. Now, it seems, he has hit rock bottom as authorities confirmed he has been incinerated by the Jewish Space Laser.
PARADISE — A local man was suddenly struck with fear as he stood in line to enter Heaven when Saint Peter unexpectedly asked him to answer how many warriors were in the tribe of Simeon at the time of the Exodus.
WORLD — Global leaders are shaken after researchers uncovered a young Jewish man from Nazareth at the center of a dark plot to control the entire universe — which he also apparently created.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — With the 2022 midterms just around the corner, Democrat lawmakers have formed the “United States House Select Committee to Investigate Who Did All Those Lockdowns and Vaccine Mandates” in hopes of finding out just who was behind all of those school closures, mask mandates, arrests, and egregious abuses of civil rights. Powered […]
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a televised address from the oval office, President Joe Biden called for calm across the nation by falling asleep on national television. Millions of Americans witnessed the leader of the free world slowly nod off mid-sentence and grumble in his sleep as he slowly slipped out of his chair and out […]
VISTA, CA — Local man Alex McCarthy has reported high levels of well-being, with his career trajectory, family life, and leadership in his church and community all on an upward trajectory. Things were going so smoothly that he decided to follow sports to bring some more crippling stress and frustration into his life. Powered by […]
NEW YORK, NY — Pfizer has announced the launch of a new breakthrough treatment for depression, Thorovil, a pharmaceutical that consists of a heavy metal head mounted at a right angle at the end of a handle. Patients prescribed Thorovil can use the object to smash their cell phones into tiny pieces, instantly curing all […]
U.S. — Following a raft of new polls this week showing GOP gains in key Senate battleground states, Republicans were seen Googling “What to do after winning an election,” while dabbing beads of sweat from their brows.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — History was made last week as Dylan Mulvaney, a pretend woman, sat down in a one-hour Now This News special with Joe Biden, a pretend president.
LAFAYETTE, LA — Local man Alan Tucker patiently waited for his entire family to fall asleep so he could hide in the office to listen to Taylor Swift’s newest album Midnights.
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