EDMOND, OK — YouVersion, parent company of the most popular Bible app on the App Store, has announced a groundbreaking change to mankind’s Bible-reading experience. Effective this week, genealogies in the Old and New Testaments are now skippable through a handy shortcut on all YouVersion Bible applications.
So, you’ve learned from Stacey Abrams that you can deal with high food and gas prices by murdering your children – but what other problems in your life could be solved by simply offing your kids? Ms. Abrams has graciously compiled a list of eight other stressors you could have off your back – with […]
PHOENIX, AZ — Local Uber driver Michael Skinner set a new record today, waiting nearly a tenth of a second before telling his passenger that Uber isn’t his main job.
LOS ANGELES, CA — Climate advocates around the world are gluing themselves to various things to protest oil companies and other contributors to climate change. The latest celebrity to join the craze is Leonardo DiCaprio, who is making a powerful statement by gluing his own hand to his face.
INDIANAPOLIS, IN — Pro Dad and savvy world traveler Chip Dunnings is taking his family on vacation, and to avoid missing the flight, has made sure the family shows up packed and ready to go before the airport is even built.
TOLEDO, OH — A local man was left frustrated early this morning upon finding out that he was expected to make coffee despite the fact that he hadn’t even had his morning coffee yet.
Are you and your backward family still following those outdated family traditions? It’s time to drop those archaic and meaningless activities for some family traditions that actually matter!
U.S. — In its latest bid to promote homeschooling, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention voted to recommend the COVID vaccine be given as part of routine yearly immunizations for all schoolchildren. The vaccine, which has proved ineffective in preventing transmission of COVID, may soon be spreading uncommon side effects among children as early […]
PHILADELPHIA, PA — The coveted Pennsylvania Senate race is now a toss-up as Mehmet Oz is now running neck and neck and neck with John Fetterman. Fetterman’s lead has dwindled days ahead of midterms as he found himself neck-deep in concerns about his health.
LONDON — Feminists worldwide touted another feather in their caps today as Liz Truss’s resignation meant the all-time record for the shortest term by a UK Prime Minister is now held by a woman.
ATLANTA, GA — Georgia gubernatorial candidate Stacey Abrams made headlines this week by saying women can offset the cost of children by aborting them. Evidently seeking to spread her message further, Abrams has been seen interrupting parents in a local Kroger’s checkout line to explain that they too could save on high grocery bills by […]
MACON, GA — Having finally begun his read-through-the-Bible-In-A-Year plan in August, local man Lance LeShaun finally arrived at the passage in which God commands the Israelites to avoid their wives for 7 days when they are on their menstrual cycles. LeShaun has spontaneously praised God for His wisdom, sharing the effects that such sage guidance […]
BETHLEHEM – Sources close to multi-platinum award-winning artist King David have confirmed that he just finished another Psalm, and he’s convinced this one is a straight-up banger.
Be alert! Horror movies are proven to murder your soul by decapitating it with a spiritual machete. Stick to this approved list of certified family-friendly horror films that are sure to scare any conservative Christian family. Have a safe and responsible Halloween! We mean Harvest!
Debating a Libertarian can be tough because they do their research and the smell of bong water can be very distracting. We want to arm you with the knowledge you need so next time you happen upon a Libertarian, you can DESTROY him. We’re assuming it’s a “him.” Female libertarians are entirely fictional. Powered by […]
ATHENS, GA – Georgia gubernatorial candidate Stacey Abrams shocked Americans this week when she insisted we need abortion because “having children is why you’re worried about the price of gas.” She later followed up her comments by reminding everyone they can reduce their bills to zero by just killing themselves.
NAIROBI — As the movement for greater diversity in sports continues to sweep the globe, the famed Kenyan marathon team has come under fire with experts sounding the alarm over the team’s glaring lack of racial diversity.
CUPERTINO, CA — Apple, Inc. has once again astounded customers and shareholders alike by releasing new Airpods that conveniently come with one already lost for you.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — With Ketanji Brown Jackson joining a growing number of women on the United States Supreme Court, Justice Clarance Thomas has taken to wearing noise-canceling headphones to help drown out the incessant chatter.
HELL — A spokesperson for Hell has rejected Biden’s claim that the US economy is “strong as hell.” Jay Rogers, Press Secretary for Satan, strongly criticized Biden’s comparison of the US economy’s strength to the underworld.
KRONENWETTER, WI — While printing out coloring pages for his kids, local man Struthers Gabblestein found himself buying a new computer game that he will have time to play when he retires at age 85.
