U.S. — In a recent speech, President Biden was quoted as saying “folks, two words: made in America.” The internationally respected and trusted fact-checking organization Politifact examined Biden’s statement that the phrase “made in America” was only two words and rated it “mostly true.”
ROME — After reviewing new historical evidence, scholars now believe the Apostle Paul used the handy map in the back of his Bible when deciding where to travel to next.
AMERICA — Across the nation, thousands of religious fanatics have once again gathered to worship teams of unusually large men trying to move a piece of leather.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Biden administration will officially be supplying the toys for McDonald’s new “Adult Happy Meals”, which will reportedly consist of crack pipes and safe smoking kits.
CLEVELAND, OH — Local man Vincent Palmer revealed his total unfamiliarity with life or God today, as he assured a suffering friend that God would never give him more than he could handle.
FORT WAYNE, IN — Having heard about his boldness in standing up for the pro-life cause, local boomer Susan Levitt asked for help today downloading some music from that nice “Ye” fellow.
HELL’S KITCHEN — The dark alleys of Hell’s Kitchen were as sketchy and dangerous as any other night, but this time the atmosphere felt more…awkward, as Daredevil kept asking everyone if they liked his bright red outfit.
ALEXANDRIA, VA — According to sources, a local self-ordering kiosk at an overpriced cafe that sells self-serve coffee just asked if you would like to add a tip to a $12 coffee order.
DETROIT, MI — A local man is being forced to leave behind friends, family, and even his own name to seek his fortune in a far-off country after accidentally ending a business call by saying “I love you.”
WASHINGTON, DC — The world has never been closer to the brink of total nuclear annihilation, according to President Joe Biden’s comments at a press conference in between strategy sessions to continue waging his proxy war with nuclear-armed Russia.
BETHANY — Scholars working in the Holy Land learned an interesting tidbit today: the woman who anointed Jesus with oil – Mary of Bethany, a Bethany-dwelling woman whose name was Mary – actually performed the act of worship during an extended sales presentation for essential oils.
LOS ANGELES, CA — The gay romantic comedy Bros saw a disappointing first weekend at the box office. Box office analysts are shocked that a movie aimed at 2% of the population fell short of attracting a broader audience.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — This week, President Biden issued pardons to convicts who had been imprisoned for marijuana possession to make room for the influx of pro-life activists who Federal agents have been arresting.
HOLLYWOOD, CA — Woke Hollywood has made another despicable move to turn children’s entertainment into a weapon of their cultural war. This time, they have turned another beloved children’s character gay — oh, wait, it’s Velma? Eh. sure, whatever. Go for it.
Being a homophobic bigot is one of the worst things you can be. It’s just like being Hitler! To make sure you’re not a homophobic bigot, keep an eye out for these eight troubling signs. If you show any one of these symptoms, get help immediately.
AUSTIN, TX — Hopes for a quick and easy transaction for billionaire-inventor-entrepreneur Elon Musk’s purchase of the popular social media platform Twitter were dashed today as it was revealed Musk’s ATM would only allow him to withdraw $200 at a time.
TAMPA, FL — After her divorce with Tom Brady becomes finalized, supermodel Gisele Bundchen is expected to own three times as many Super Bowl rings as legendary Green Bay Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers.
AUSTIN, TX — A Tesla spokesperson announced that Elon Musk’s new robot, the Tesla Optimus, has already fathered 7 baby robots. The announcement came as a shock both to Tesla and the greater engineering community.
KANSAS CITY, MO — A local man has achieved the unthinkable and miraculously arrived home on time and in good health despite not having his wife with him in the car to provide constant safe driving instructions.
GREEN BAY, WI — Psychologists and sex experts are flocking to Wisconsin to study a local man who claims to have a bizarre fetish for settling down with one woman in a committed, loving relationship in the bonds of marriage forever and ever.
America’s national debt just passed $31 trillion for the first time in history. Yikes! Don’t worry though, we at The Babylon Bee have a few brilliant money-raising ideas up our sleeves that Congress probably hasn’t heard of yet.
FORT MYERS, FL — With hurricane deaths reaching pandemic levels, Pfizer has announced emergency FDA approval of their new, untested hurricane vaccine, Hurriprofitol®.
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