TAMPA, FL — After her divorce with Tom Brady becomes finalized, supermodel Gisele Bundchen is expected to own three times as many Super Bowl rings as legendary Green Bay Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers.
AUSTIN, TX — A Tesla spokesperson announced that Elon Musk’s new robot, the Tesla Optimus, has already fathered 7 baby robots. The announcement came as a shock both to Tesla and the greater engineering community.
KANSAS CITY, MO — A local man has achieved the unthinkable and miraculously arrived home on time and in good health despite not having his wife with him in the car to provide constant safe driving instructions.
GREEN BAY, WI — Psychologists and sex experts are flocking to Wisconsin to study a local man who claims to have a bizarre fetish for settling down with one woman in a committed, loving relationship in the bonds of marriage forever and ever.
America’s national debt just passed $31 trillion for the first time in history. Yikes! Don’t worry though, we at The Babylon Bee have a few brilliant money-raising ideas up our sleeves that Congress probably hasn’t heard of yet.
FORT MYERS, FL — With hurricane deaths reaching pandemic levels, Pfizer has announced emergency FDA approval of their new, untested hurricane vaccine, Hurriprofitol®.
MAR-A-LAGO — Hip-hop artist and fashion designer Kanye West was embroiled in controversy this week after wearing a shirt bearing the phrase “White Lives Matter” across its back. Not to be outdone, former President Donald Trump caused a stir of his own as he made a public appearance in an “Orange Lives Matter” shirt. Powered […]
NASHVILLE, TN — This week, U.S. President Joe Biden called into the radio show of personal finance guru Dave Ramsey, asking for financial advice for paying off his $31 trillion debt.
NEW YORK CITY, NY — Yankees outfielder Aaron Judge has hit his 62nd home run, setting the American League single-season record for someone with a normal-sized head.
WHEATON, IL — The evangelical world is abuzz after VeggieTales creator Phil Vischer, who recently said he supports abortion in some cases, announced a brand new film in which beloved character Laura Carrot aborts her baby carrot.
NEW YORK CITY, NY — Saturday Night Live has launched yet another season featuring more parodies of former President Donald Trump. The cast and crew stated they would love to make fun of the current president too if only he ever did anything at all deserving of mockery.
PARIS — Homeless vagrant Jean-Michel de Beauvoir won the coveted Palme d’Louvre award for Best in Fashion after stumbling onto the stage during Paris Fashion Week during a Balenciaga show.
U.S. — Three months have passed since the Supreme Court overturned Roe v. Wade, and Planned Parenthood has since struggled to reach its goals of lovingly killing unborn babies and harvesting their parts for money due to conservative states outlawing the practice. As a result, the organization has begun to hire long-range snipers to perform […]
ROME — Jewish religious leaders have taken issue with the Apostle Paul’s continuing to preach Jesus as Messiah to Gentile regions, which the Jewish religious leaders have condemned. Things came to head when the controversial figure donned a “Gentile Lives Matter” shirt this week, prompting further outrage.
FT MYERS, FL — In a desperate attempt to get help for its citizens and deal with the growing humanitarian crisis in the area, a Florida town devastated by Hurricane Ian has taken the unusual step of raising the Ukrainian flag, hoping to convince Congress to send aid.
CHICAGO, IL — To help support its recent efforts to conduct grotesque gender experiments on young children, the American Medical Association has appointed famed Nazi doctor Josef Mengele as its new president.
Are you a Dad looking for ways to bond with his son? It’s important to spend quality time with your boys and teach them how to be real men! Otherwise, they may grow up to be whiny weaklings! Not good!
NEW YORK CITY, NY — The NFL has fired its chief neurologist, Peter Pegalia, after learning Pegalia’s concussion protocol was to look for cartoon birds flying around the heads of players suspected of being concussed.
HELL — Board room Demons erupted with thunderous applause and praise for their CEO Satan as he pitched another sinister idea of rebranding the dated term “child sacrifice” with “abortion.”
WEST COVINA, CA — As a special public service for his fellow citizens, a local man has taken it upon himself to crank his car stereo as loud as possible at stoplights so that everyone within a three-mile radius can hear every nuance of his refined musical tastes.
SACRAMENTO, CA — This week, California Pastor John MacArthur wrote an open letter reprimanding California Governor Gavin Newsom after the governor took out billboards across the country promoting abortion services using quotes from Jesus. Sources say the governor is fed up with the constant calls to repentance and that during a wild party at The […]
PALM BEACH, FL — Following the destruction caused by Hurricane Ian, Governor Ron DeSantis has issued a stark warning against all would-be looters hoping to pillage the vulnerable state. This message, however, has not stopped what appears to be a large group of heavily armed looters wearing FBI patches from swooping in and attempting to […]
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