WASHINGTON, D.C. — Aides are scrambling to keep the President on track without wandering off stage and getting lost again on national television. To combat this, Biden’s handlers have resorted to laying down a trail of women’s hair on the ground for Biden to sniff and follow.
KYIV — As Ukrainian officials prepared to submit their request to join NATO, President Volodymyr Zelensky planned to use one of the most powerful secret weapons at his disposal — his Hollywood connections — and ask Ben Stiller if he could put the actor down as a reference on the application.
CULVER CITY, CA – After filming only 8 episodes of The Rings of Power, Amazon has exhausted the entire $1 billion budget allotted for the production of the show. Initial reports indicate that most of the money was spent on special effects to make it look like a woman can hold a sword. Powered by […]
SACRAMENTO, CA – In a nationwide campaign to promote abortion tourism in California, Gavin Newsom has purchased ads in red states encouraging women to travel to California to kill their babies. As part of the campaign, he has also taken to transforming into a giant green snake that whispers temptations into the ears of scared […]
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In preparation for Halloween, White House staffers have spent days adorning the premises with frightening decorations. One prop stands out above the rest: a spooky, lifelike old zombie that wanders the halls, drooling and moaning.
U.S. — A fascinating new study has revealed that the vast majority of people, when presented with a blind taste test, can’t tell the difference between candy corn and a dusty, old orange crayon we found in a junk drawer.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Army’s first transgender officer Major Anna Gabrielian has been charged with conspiring to give secret information to Russia to aid them in their attack on Ukraine. As a result, Biden awarded Gabrielian with the Presidential Medal of Freedom for being the first-ever transgender traitor to America.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — As the midterm elections approach, cynical Republicans are pouncing on Biden being one of the worst presidents ever. According to sources in Washington, Republicans plan to cruelly take advantage of Biden’s handling of Afghanistan, inflation, the economy, spending, jobs, the border crisis, and his own dementia, to convince the American people to […]
MENLO PARK, CA — A few weeks ago, Instagram banned Pornhub’s account amid mounting evidence of nonconsensual sexual exploitative material on the account. Instagram says their decision is an integrity move due to the wide documentation of Pornhub’s inappropriate and illegal practices, as well as to remove one of their chief competitors in providing pornographic […]
FORT MYERS, FL — As emergency crews worked tirelessly to rescue Floridians with the sense to stay out of Georgia, Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky was seen on a rescue boat, paddling door to door and asking for donations to support the war effort against Russia.
NEW YORK CITY, NY — After musical artist and professional twerker Lizzo made waves by playing James Madison’s crystal flute on stage, Beyoncé upped the ante by performing in Times Square wearing George Washington’s false teeth.
LOS ANGELES, CA – According to reports, a concert venue of 750 saw record amounts of strained, polite smiles and lackluster cheers as a band that has been popular for 23 years played a shocking 9 songs of new material before getting to the hits and deep tracks that they actually wanted to hear. Powered […]
WASHINGTON, D.C. — As Hurricane Ian made landfall in Florida, Biden held a press conference to criticize the hurricane naming system and vow that the next major storm will be named after a woman of color.
Everyone knows the biggest sign of a spiritually healthy church is the number of 5-star Yelp reviews you have, but oh no! Your church has a 2-star average rating!
U.S. — In the wake of Italy electing Giorgia Meloni as Prime Minister, millions of Americans have gotten their hopes up that she might also become the President of the United States. Unfortunately, according to a small, little-known technicality, the Prime Minister of Italy is not eligible for President as she was not born in […]
WASHINGTON, DC — A potentially disastrous situation was averted yesterday as White House aides were able to grab President Biden’s arm in the nick of time and lead him away just as he was beginning to “follow the light.”
GROVE CITY, FL — Date night for Madilynn and Murphy McMickerson started off just like every other date night when Madilynn told the server she would just have a light salad followed by her husband’s entire entree.
TAMPA BAY, FL — Authorities are warning that the destructive power of Hurricane Ian is so severe that it could cause Florida to experience water and power shortage almost as bad as they have in California.
LEXINGTON, KY — Local cashier Dan Johnson couldn’t help but worry that the woman who just checked out with dozens of key fob tags might be cheating on him with other grocery stores.
AOC: One of America’s foremost intellectuals, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez has knowledge, wit, and wisdom that is as deep as it is wide. All thanks to her economics degree from Boston University!David Hogg: He’s so smart, he knows guns are bad. Not everyone knows that. That Harvard education really paid off.The Unibomber: Another Harvard prodigy!Kamala Harris: In […]
GARDEN CITY, CO — Local man Terrence Bilkerson successfully transitioned into a woman recently after taking his wife’s multivitamin. The transition occurred instantly after he grabbed the wrong bottle of vitamins, being distracted by that idiot referee who had made that confounding call in the fourth quarter of Sunday’s big game.
LAUREL, MD — NASA’s DART mission ended in disaster today as one of their female space drivers crashed a spacecraft directly into an oncoming asteroid. To save face, NASA is now claiming the collision was completely on purpose.
BOSTON, MA — Chaos erupted at a local convent yesterday as a team of FBI agents aggressively stormed the building in the early morning hours. Sources say they had received multiple reports of it being a gathering place for a large group of dangerous, right-wing, pro-life extremists.
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