WASHINGTON, D.C. — During a White House press conference focused on clarifying every statement Biden has ever made, Press Secretary Jean-Pierre clarified that the official White House policy was the opposite of whatever President Biden says in interviews.
U.S. — Disney has chosen a bald actress to play Rapunzel in the upcoming live-action remake of Tangled. Director Guy Ritchie announced the casting at a press conference alongside Disney CEO Bob Chapek.
BOISE, ID — Despite the traditional sentiment that the fall season starts three weeks into the month of September, officials were quick to remind the populace that fall does not officially begin until Carol puts up her “It’s Fall Y’all” sign.
MAR-A-LAGO, FL — The top-secret military base Area 51 is being overrun by curious visitors this morning after former president Trump announced he had declassified the installation in his mind several years ago.
MIRAMAR, FL — Seeing the need to provide more affordable options for travelers affected by record inflation, Spirit Airlines has introduced a new bargain flight where they just launch you in a medieval catapult.
Are you a red-blooded American PATRIOT who loves God, guns, family, and freedom? Better watch out, the FBI probably thinks you’re a domestic terrorist! They could be watching you read this right now. They could be listening to your phone calls!
EGYPT — After enduring 10 horrible plagues that ravaged the kingdom due to his stubbornness and pride, Pharaoh proudly announced that plagues in Egypt are now down 100%.
U.S. — According to sources, wives across the nation have begun their yearly autumn ritual in which they carefully select pots of autumn-colored mums they wish to take home and immediately kill.
LOS ANGELES, CA — As part of ongoing celebrations for Latinx Heritage Month, millions of revelers gathered to remember that day just a few years ago when someone made up the word “Latinx” out of thin air.
U.S. — Is this the next pandemic? Health experts claim that a sudden, unexpected illness is expected to cause many American employees to stay home, some for a week or more, on May 12, 2023.
DENVER, CO — Every morning, local TSA Officer Steve Harper gets out of bed, takes a shower, eats two hard-boiled eggs, gets dressed, and then flips his lucky coin to find out if he’s going to be a pleasant, easygoing guy who is gracious to flustered, stressed-out travelers, or if he’s going to bark at […]
ATLANTA, GA — Chick-fil-A marketing executives announced Monday that they were “shocked and embarrassed” to discover that the cows they hired to run their marketing department have been making “egregious and inexcusable spelling errors” for years.
DEL RIO, TX — Impressed by the efficiency of Martha’s Vineyard in expelling their migrants in less than 48 hours, several border towns in Texas have begun adopting best practices from the affluent Massachusetts island. One prominent change that Del Rio has already made is replacing their “Welcome To Del Rio” sign with a “Welcome […]
CAPE COD, MA — After being forcibly removed from a scenic island off the coast of Massachusetts and placed on a bus headed for a nearby military base, immigrant José Valdez has reportedly begun suspecting that the Martha’s Vineyard resident who promised to be his pen pal was not actually being serious.
NEW YORK CITY — Prison reform advocates are celebrating the NYPD’s unprecedented move to put dangerous criminals back out on the street as quickly as possible with the unveiling of the new giant slide.
MARTHA’S VINEYARD, MA. — Critics of Governor Ron DeSantis are outraged at yet another death that has allegedly occurred thanks to his political exploits. U.S. Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez tearfully recounted how the Florida governor yanked her from her Venezuelan home and human-trafficked her to Martha’s Vineyard, where she died.
WILMINGTON, DE — Upon hearing that Florida Governor Ron DeSantis is sending another group of migrants to his mansion in Delaware, President Joe Biden authorized a mobilization of 20,000 National Guard troops to defend his home from the invaders.
U.S. — President Joe Biden sat down for an interview last week with Scott Pelley of 60 Minutes, prompting an all-nighter by the show’s editor who was forced to sift through hours of the president’s racial epithets to produce a 25-minute segment for the long-running CBS show.
SAN FRANCISCO, CA — Communists have jumped into the food delivery service scene with the new company “Red Apron”, which will deliver empty boxes to your home and then kill you.
NEW YORK CITY, NY — In an effort to diversify its cast, Saturday Night Live has announced the hiring of a funny cast member. Dallas-based actor and comedian Josh Davis will be joining the cast for the upcoming season.
MARTHA’S VINEYARD, MA — Anticipating further migrant deliveries from Florida Governor Ron DeSantis, the leadership of Martha’s Vineyard has begun constructing Planned Parenthood facilities on the affluent island. Residents of the Democratic stronghold say they support the move and are grateful for “Planned Parenthood’s long history of supporting minorities by keeping their population under control.” […]
TALLAHASSEE, FL — Just days after the galling political stunt in which 50 illegal immigrants were human trafficked to the loving, caring, nurturing, sanctuary city of Martha’s Vineyard, Florida Governor Ron DeSantis was caught human trafficking again after dropping his kids off at soccer practice.
KANSAS CITY, MO — A local Star Wars fan was excitedly awaiting the premiere of the new Andor series on Disney+ so that he will have fresh material about which he can spend the next several weeks complaining to anyone who dares to come near him.
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