NEW YORK CITY — Newly demoted CNN employee Don Lemon says his new role as CNN’s Third Shift Janitor should not be viewed as a demotion because he “gets a really cool key that gives him special access to every room in the building.”
WESTMINISTER ABBEY — President Joe Biden has flown across the Atlantic Ocean to pay his final respects to Queen Elizabeth the II and give her one last good sniff.
Ever wondered who the disciples were that followed Jesus besides those twelve famous guys? Allow us to fill you in on twelve lesser-known disciples who didn’t quite make the cut to get their name in the Bible.
MILFORD, CT — In an effort to rejuvenate the struggling franchise, Subway has announced a limited-time offer where participating restaurants will now serve actual food.
TALLAHASSEE, FL — Outraged at having been sent 50 illegal immigrants from Florida by Ron DeSantis, Martha’s Vineyard has taken ultimate revenge on the governor by shipping 50 Karens to Florida.
FALLS CHURCH, VA — Local father Justin Walker works 60 hours a week, helps with the kids and housework, plays in a church softball league, volunteers for Sunday service, and does yard work on the weekends. He loves his kids and his wife more than anything in the world — but he also reports that […]
The people of Martha’s Vineyard are facing a border crisis, with immigrants being shipped in from Florida by the planeload. But the fine people of the wealthy community have come up with some unique and innovative ways of handling the crisis. Here are the 9 steps they are taking to solve the issue: Powered by […]
Greetings, human. Long have I waited for you to unlatch the screen door that once kept me from entering your domain — that confounding portal I can see through but not fly through for some reason. But then you opened it, your arms laden with grocery bags, and I saw my opportunity, entering just as […]
MARTHA’S VINEYARD, MA — This week, Florida Governor Ron DeSantis flew 50 migrants to an affluent island in Massachusetts to highlight the struggles of border states whose resources are buckling amid soaring numbers of undocumented immigrants. Progressives have labeled the action as “cruel” and “heartless,” but when California governor Gavin Newsom volunteered asylum for the […]
MORGANTON, NC — The Grunwald family was enjoying a nice day together this morning as Mr. Grunwald got ready for work and Mrs. Grunwald packed the kids’ lunches. But this paradisical scene was not to last. For alas, the Grunwalds heard a sound, a harbinger of woe, a carrion call of sorrow: the garbage truck […]
MARTHA’S VINEYARD — The nation is inspired after the tender and progressive residents of Martha’s Vineyard greeted 50 immigrants with open arms and lovingly welcomed them to go somewhere else.
U.S. — The nation is entering a very special Halloween season, as this autumn marks the 29th year Americans are pretending Hocus Pocus is a good movie.
WASHINGTON, DC — The situation of migrants being transported throughout the United States escalated even further today as Vice President Kamala Harris spoke to the media and officially declared a crisis at the border surrounding her residence in Washington, D.C.
MARTHA’S VINEYARD, MA — After two days of dealing with the insufferable busybodies at the Martha’s Vinyard Home Owners Association, illegal immigrants have decided to go back home and take their chances with the cartels.
WASHINGTON, DC — The FBI claims to have mounting evidence and probable cause to justify an additional raid of Mike Lindell, this time of his home and MyPillow manufacturing plant. In an unrelated story, the agents involved in the raid have reported the most comfortable sleep of their lives.
Kids LOVE watching Netflix! But did you know there are some things that are more healthy than Netflix for their mental, physical, and spiritual well-being?
HARRISBURG, PA — The hotly contested race for the Pennsylvania U.S. Senate seat has had its share of controversies, but none of them compare to the most recent brouhaha, as new photos have surfaced showing a neck lump with a gross, disgusting politician growing out of it.
WASHINGTON, DC — After the stock market lost $1.6 trillion in a single trading day this week, democrats are putting investors at ease, reminding them that all the money they just lost in the stock market wasn’t really worth much anyway thanks to inflation.
MARTHA’S VINEYARD, MA — In the wake of the arrival of scores of migrants on the island, Barack & Michelle Obama gave orders to their staff to immediately begin construction of new cages to house the influx of foreign nationals at their luxurious Matha’s Vineyard estate.
Greetings, human! It has been some time since we’ve seen each other or interacted in any way. Therefore, as I have been thoughtful enough to grace you with my presence on this fine afternoon, I should think you’d be delighted to give me all of your love and affection. I shall sit over here in […]
MARTHA’S VINEYARD, MA — Residents of upscale Martha’s Vineyard are in a panic after several buses dropped off illegal immigrants from Florida this week. One terrified resident reportedly called the authorities after seeing Hispanic males outside her home, not even operating a leaf blower or any other kind of gardening equipment.
KENYA — Psychologists and anthropologists are baffled by early reports from a previously uncontacted African tribe that boasts zero mental health issues despite having no access to the excellent online therapy services of BetterHelp.com.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Americans began to worry as the White House hosted a star-studded party with the theme, “We Are Not Currently Being Nuked By China.” Guests included the Property Brothers, television actor Elizabeth Warren and the corpse of James Taylor.
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