WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Joe Biden was loaded onto a convenient death cart Wednesday despite protests that he was not yet deceased. Witnesses claim the president wriggled a bit in the grip of Vice President Kamala Harris as she insisted he was pretty much as good as dead and attempted to load him onto the […]
TUCSON, AZ — Staff at Vertical Abundant Grace are scratching their heads wondering why there is little to no attendance at their most recent Men’s Conference. The sharp decline has caused many to reevaluate what’s not working about getting a bunch of men together to cry about all their problems and issues.
RADFORD, VA — Local teacher Bryan Smith confirmed to reporters from his local news station that he had not yet figured out what he was doing. He told them that despite having “faked it” for 15 years, he was no closer to “having a real plan” than when he graduated high school.
DENVER, CO — Local man Walter Bishop is reportedly excited to find out whether he will soon be raided by the FBI or gunned down by the IRS. The longtime conservative is reportedly ecstatic to show people how right he was about the slippery slope he’s been warning everyone about.
WINNETKA, IL — According to sources, a local kindergarten teacher Marion Buntley helped to expand her young students’ minds by asking them to draw a picture of what gender they want to be when they grow up.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — After a critically acclaimed first season that was allegedly watched by some people, the producers of the January 6th Hearings have sadly confirmed that their star Liz Cheney will not be returning for season 2.
BEVERLY HILLS, CA — Lebron James was spotted teaching his son Bronny basic basketball fundamentals on Tuesday, according to TMZ and assorted stalkers. In a touching father-son moment caught on camera, the NBA star taught his boy how to flop.
BOSTON, MA — This week, Boston Children’s Hospital made history by throwing the first child off the roof based on the child’s “felt need to have their birdhood affirmed.” The child is now back in treatment in Boston Children’s Hospital for broken bones, but the hospital is standing by its decision to fling the child […]
COSTA MESA, CA — In order to make his upcoming Sunday message as entertaining as possible, a local pastor plans to stay up late in search of the perfect Bible verse to compliment the hilarious personal experience he wants to share.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — White House sources say President Biden expressed sadness upon hearing that the nice blonde nurse who always follows him around every day has come down with COVID.
ALEXANDRIA, LA — In an unsurprising and perfectly predictable turn of events, Aunt Alice’s Facebook account was hacked again. Friends and family were notified of the third hack this year when they each received a private message from her account introducing a hot new way to make money through crypto-backed NFT eBay listings. Powered by […]
HARBOR CITY, CA — Hara-Kiri Blades has released a new tactical knife that is the same one used by Navy SEALs to open the Amazon packages their wives receive. This marks the first time the knife, called Boxer MK 4 Navy Knife, is available to the public.
LOS ANGELES, CA — According to sources, local woman Carli Bamkins — who was a tomboy in the ’90s — is thanking God she didn’t grow up today when her boobs would get hacked off by a gender surgeon.
We at The Babylon Bee want to help de-code common marital communications between the spouses, whether it’s helping husbands know whether their wives are mad at them or helping wives to understand the mixed signals, coded messages, and confounding double-speak from the complicated creatures known as “husbands”!
KABUL — Thousands of American citizens still stranded in Afghanistan one year after the Biden Administration’s overnight retreat are beginning to suspect the President may not be coming back for them, sources say.
ANAHEIM, CA — According to sources, local father Jon Patterson grabbed a map as soon as his family entered the gates at Disneyland over the weekend. Patterson then barked orders like some battle-hardened general or squad leader executing a daring battle plan to his troops.
MAR-A-LAGO — Anonymous sources are alleging that among the documents confiscated from Trump’s residence were the top secret plans to the White House. These plans are said to reveal the building’s only weakness: a thermal exhaust port only 2 meters wide.
SIOUX FALLS, SD — Local man Tom Goodwin completely embarrassed himself at church this morning after being forced to resort to his Bible tabs to locate the book of Habakkuk.
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