Biden’s two years into his presidency, blowing through all expectations of how long he would live after his inauguration. How does he stack up with Trump? Let’s take a look at this comprehensive side-by-side comparison:
KABUL — Biden is demanding answers after a precision drone strike in Afghanistan actually killed a real terrorist leader named Ayman al-Zawahiri instead of a car full of innocent children, as is tradition.
SIOUX FALLS, SD — According to sources, local married couple Keith and Rebecca Powell can’t decide what they want to eat for dinner, and have each decided to ask one another what they want for dinner over and over until they both starve.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Congressional Republicans face a difficult choice this week, as Democrats have introduced a bill to save puppies but attached billions in unrelated spending. Conservatives may propose amendments, but hesitate to oppose the bill since it is named “If You Don’t Vote For This You Hate Puppies.”
ATLANTA, GA — In an effort to better serve his loyal audience, comedian-producer-writer-actor-entertainer-singer-songwriter-supermarket customer-congressional lobbyist-world conqueror Tyler Perry has announced the launching of his own Madea+ streaming service.
BATTLE MOUNTAIN, NV — Wife and stay-at-home mom Maria Bruciato began preparing Sunday dinner by opening her recipe book, pulling out required ingredients, and quietly disabling all of the smoke alarms in the house.
MOSCOW — After months of singlehandedly raising America’s gas prices without any help whatsoever from the Biden administration, Russian President Vladimir Putin has mercifully given Americans a short break by lowering the price at the pump. For his benevolence and valor, he has awarded himself the Presidential Medal of Freedom.
CLEVELAND, OH — After months of deliberation over allegations of sexual harassment and assault, the NFL came down hard on Deshaun Watson today by sentencing him to three whole seasons of playing for the Cleveland Browns.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — House Speaker Nancy Pelosi has been forced to cancel her planned flight to Taiwan after China announced they have developed deadly surface-to-air vodka-seeking missiles.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a brief address to the nation after once again testing positive for COVID, President Biden warned that we are now in a pandemic of the “quadruple vaccinated.”
GALILEE — Local fishermen Peter and Andrew were deeply disappointed to discover today that Jesus was not, in fact, going to teach them to catch humans with giant novelty fish hooks.
HENDERSON, NV — Tough, independent woman Maggie Stallings once again told her husband today that he absolutely must leave the toilet seat down or she will actually fall into the commode.
FRANCE — A spectacular crash at the Tour de France Femmes, the first-ever all-female Tour de France event following the main race, was reportedly caused by the woman in front stopping to ask for directions.
Just when you thought the woke monster couldn’t add another victim, it took down one of its most surprising targets yet: the Grand Theft Auto franchise. How, exactly, does a game that already mines the depths of human depravity turn itself woke? Here are 11 woke changes coming with the release of Grand Theft Auto […]
HUNTINGTON, NY — Local woman Christine Upton listened patiently this morning to a voicemail from her boomer father, who spent the first thirty seconds carefully listing information her phone had already provided.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — After a year of deliberation on how to address rapid inflation and a shrinking economy, Democrats have at last landed on the bold strategy of doing the same exact things that helped land us in this mess to begin with.
KNOXVILLE, TN — Local woman Carol Hughes is being blatantly persecuted for her faith while at work. After she placed a flowery, verse-a-day calendar on her office desk earlier today, not a single person has commented on it in any way, shape, or form.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Citing the candidate’s qualifications at assuring everyone that everything is fine even when entire rooms are burning down around him, the White House has hired the This Is Fine Dog as its new press secretary.
ATLANTA, GA — The CDC has updated its list of essential and non-essential activities during a pandemic or outbreak, adding “gay orgies” to the “essential” category.
WORLD — A tragic new study has found that the vast majority of humanity – nearly 8 billion people – are not currently playing Square Enix’s classic JRPG Chrono Trigger.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Democrats quickly issued a redefinition of the word “loss” after getting stomped in the congressional baseball game by the Republicans, who shut out the Democrats 10-0.
As we swelter in the dog days of summer, even crotchety ol’ Grandpa Silas is starting to wonder if there might be something to this “climate change” thing after all. Well, we here at The Babylon Bee dug into the research and – to our great shock – ended up discovering ten absolutely undeniable proofs […]
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