WASHINGTON, D.C. — After learning that the president had contracted the Coronavirus, Joe Biden quickly called up Barack Obama to wish him a speedy recovery.
CHICAGO, IL — Citizens of Illinois expressed excitement upon hearing that the Chicago streets will play a part in the 2023 NASCAR season. Unfortunately during the first event, one of the drivers was mugged at gunpoint by a Chicago criminal during an 11.2-second pit stop.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — According to sources within the White House, Kamala Harris is once again losing another staff member as her top aide is leaving the administration after taking a new job. Sabrina Singh, Harris’ current deputy press secretary and main speechwriter, has been poached by Sesame Street to write speeches for them instead. Powered […]
Hundreds of thousands of people are fleeing California for states like Texas and Florida, but it’s not always easy to adjust to life in an American state.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The January 6th Committee is urging Americans to stay tuned until the very end of the hearings, as there will be another very special bonus hearing after the credits roll.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — After testing positive for COVID today, President Biden immediately rushed out of the White House to go sniff one last little girl before losing his sense of smell.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Former White House Chief Strategist and media executive Steve Bannon was offered some change and a hot meal when he was discovered by a homeless man Monday. Bannon reportedly accepted the gracious offer and joined the unnamed transient for lunch at McDonald’s.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The White House held an emergency press conference after Biden’s COVID diagnosis to assure the nation that whoever is actually running the country right now is still completely healthy.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Only one day after Biden’s miraculous recovery from cancer, White House sources have confirmed the President now has COVID. Doctors say that the twice-boosted president only has mild symptoms, but has tragically lost his keen sense of smell. The White House will continue to provide updates and notify the country if his […]
SOMERSET, MA — After Biden seemed to announce he has cancer during a speech today, the White House quickly issued a retraction, clarifying that Biden only said that because of his dementia.
WASHINGTON,D.C. — After months of saying that he has no control over the price of gas, President Joe Biden is taking credit as prices dip by 2 cents. To highlight this monumental achievement, Biden has been placing “I did that!” stickers on gas pumps everywhere he goes.
TALLAHASSEE, FL — Due to the influx of new residents from Liberal states, DeSantis has signed an order outlawing man-buns before they can infect the proud and masculine culture of Florida.
NEW YORK, NY — In a ruling experts believe to be particularly heavy-handed, the comedy writers who were arrested in June at the nation’s Capitol have been cruelly sentenced by a heartless judge to keep writing for The Late Show with Stephen Colbert.
LOS GATOS, CA — As Netflix announced the loss of one million subscribers this month, ten million people have also discovered that for some reason their Netflix login no longer seems to be working.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — AOC is still being held 1 day after her high-profile arrest at the Supreme Court building, as Capitol Police have confirmed that they misplaced the invisible key for her invisible handcuffs.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Ilhan Omar was arrested by Capitol Police at an abortion rally yesterday. According to sources, she has used her prison phone call to contact both her husband and her brother.
SELLERSVILLE, PA — Safety officials have confirmed that the rickety-looking, collapsible roller coaster at your local town carnival, which is currently being operated by a toothless meth addict, is probably fine.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — After hearing about Alex Stein’s public applauding of Hispanic hindquarters, Senator Ted Cruz walked back and forth in front of him today, hoping to score a compliment on his own butt.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — After a heroic protest at the Supreme Court, Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez spent the better part of three hours sitting in an invisible police car with her wrists bound by invisible handcuffs, waiting to be taken to an invisible jail.
BISMARCK, ND — After seeing President Biden travel to Saudi Arabia to beg for more oil, North Dakota decided to assassinate and dismember a journalist so the president would let them drill for oil.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Fauci announced this week he will be retiring at the end of Biden’s term as president. To recognize Dr. Fauci for his valiant service to the country, the Biden Administration will honor the outgoing COVID Czar with a 21-booster shot salute.
GLENDALE, CA — This week, Kurt Ivanson of Point Of Faith Tabernacle warned the congregation that his next song would be an original. The congregation has reported bracing for a very painful 7 to 10 minutes.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — National Public Radio faced criticism last week following the announcement of a Disinformation Reporting Team but was quick to clarify that its role is to spread more disinformation rather than prevent it.
SAN JOSE, CA — According to whispered reports coming from the break room, the coworker standing at his desk obviously just hasn’t learned about chairs yet.
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