News From The Babylon Bee, Page 199
SATIRE – Dutch Government Announces Plan To Defeat Climate Change By Outlawing Food
The Babylon Bee - Jul 5th 2022 5:56pm EDTTHE HAGUE — In an unprecedented move to curb emissions and save the planet, the Dutch government has outlawed food. Farmers are being warned to stop producing planet-killing meat and vegetables before it’s too late for Mother Earth to recover.
SATIRE – Mark Hamill Laments That Luke Skywalker Was Adopted By His Aunt And Uncle Instead Of Aborted
The Babylon Bee - Jul 5th 2022 4:36pm EDTMALIBU, CA — After Roe v. Wade was overturned, actor Mark Hamill took to Twitter to angrily condemn the decision — as well as people who adopt children like the Star Wars characters Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru.
SATIRE – Awesome: Heaven Announces VBS Volunteers Will Receive Bonus Tesla Upon Arrival
The Babylon Bee - Jul 5th 2022 3:14pm EDTHEAVEN — According to sources within the heavenly realm, the promised reward of a mansion for all believers will be augmented for VBS volunteers with the gift of a brand new, perfect Tesla upon arrival.
SATIRE – Democrats Proudly Introduce The ‘Raise Gas Prices Even Higher And Make More Kids Trans’ Bill
The Babylon Bee - Jul 5th 2022 2:12pm EDTWASHINGTON, D.C. — With midterm elections fast approaching, Democrats are rushing to pass key elements of their legislative agenda before they’re voted out of office in November. To serve that goal, Democrats proudly unveiled the “Raise Gas Prices Even Higher And Make More Kids Trans” bill on the steps of the Capitol this morning. Powered […]
SATIRE – Biden Calls On Pollsters To Raise His Approval Rating
The Babylon Bee - Jul 5th 2022 1:45pm EDTWASHINGTON, D.C. — In a passionate speech in which he begged gas stations across the country to lower gas prices, Biden ended with a plea to pollsters, asking them to raise his approval rating.
SATIRE – Unborn Babies Celebrate First Independence Day Since 1972
The Babylon Bee - Jul 4th 2022 7:12pm EDTU.S. — For the first time since 1972, pre-born babies are celebrating Independence Day as their human rights have finally been recognized in several states. According to sources, future doctors, explorers, artists, inventors, mothers, and fathers are currently in utero celebrating the July 4th festivities with their fellow human beings. Historians believe this day will […]
SATIRE – British Parliament Forms July 4 Commission To Investigate Colonial Insurrection
The Babylon Bee - Jul 4th 2022 1:08pm EDTLONDON — The British parliament has convened for an emergency session to investigate the events of July 4th, 1776 in the colonies across the Atlantic. Sources indicate an illegal insurrection took place there that cost many lives.
SATIRE – DoorDash Introduces Premium DoorDash+ Service Where They Will Actually Attempt To Get Your Order Right
The Babylon Bee - Jul 3rd 2022 2:10pm EDTSAN FRANCISCO, CA — DoorDash announced the launch of a new premium service DoorDash+, where they will at least make a small effort to get your order correct.
SATIRE – Adam And Eve Claim Getting Kicked Out Of Eden Was Due To Cancel Culture
The Babylon Bee - Jul 3rd 2022 2:10pm EDTGARDEN OF EDEN — Fresh off being banished from paradise, Adam and Eve are blaming cancel culture for their sudden expulsion.
SATIRE – Dick Cheney Thrilled To No Longer Be Least Likable Cheney
The Babylon Bee - Jul 3rd 2022 12:46pm EDT
Disaster After Impractical Jokers Get A Hold Of Biden’s Cheat SheetREAD: https://babylonbee.com/news/disaster-after-impr…
The Babylon Bee - Jul 2nd 2022 3:52pm EDTDisaster After Impractical Jokers Get A Hold Of Biden’s Cheat Sheet READ: https://babylonbee.com/news/disaster-after-impractical-jokers-get-a-hold-of-bidens-cheat-sheet/?utm_source=telegram&utm_medium=link&utm_campaign=telegram @TheBabylonBee | Download Our App The Babylon Bee Disaster After Impractical Jokers Get A Hold Of Biden’s Cheat Sheet WASHINGTON, D.C. — The famed Impractical Jokers comedy quartet managed to get access to President Biden’s cheat sheet today, quickly plunging the nation […]
Woman Starting To Think Company Offering To Kill Her Kid Doesn’t Have Her Best Interests At HeartREAD: https://babylonbe…
The Babylon Bee - Jul 2nd 2022 2:52pm EDTWoman Starting To Think Company Offering To Kill Her Kid Doesn’t Have Her Best Interests At Heart READ: https://babylonbee.com/news/woman-starting-to-think-company-offering-to-kill-her-kid-doesnt-have-her-best-interests-at-heart/?utm_source=telegram&utm_medium=link&utm_campaign=telegram @TheBabylonBee | Download Our App The Babylon Bee Woman Starting To Think Company Offering To Kill Her Kid Doesn’t Have Her Best Interests At Heart SEATTLE, WA — Amazon employee Emily Thomas began to wonder this […]
R. Kelly Released After Revealing He Was Just One Of Ghislaine Maxwell’s ClientsREAD: https://babylonbee.com/news/r-kell…
The Babylon Bee - Jul 2nd 2022 12:52pm EDTR. Kelly Released After Revealing He Was Just One Of Ghislaine Maxwell’s Clients READ: https://babylonbee.com/news/r-kelly-released-after-revealing-he-was-just-one-of-ghislaine-maxwells-clients/?utm_source=telegram&utm_medium=link&utm_campaign=telegram @TheBabylonBee | Download Our App The Babylon Bee R. Kelly Released After Revealing He Was Just One Of Ghislaine Maxwell’s Clients NEW YORK, NY — Just days after being sentenced to 30 years in prison, R. Kelly walked free this […]
Good Morning America Posts Tweet Celebrating Joe Biden As First White, Male PresidentREAD: https://babylonbee.com/news/g…
The Babylon Bee - Jul 1st 2022 7:52pm EDTGood Morning America Posts Tweet Celebrating Joe Biden As First White, Male President READ: https://babylonbee.com/news/good-morning-america-posts-tweet-celebrating-joe-biden-as-first-white-male-president/?utm_source=telegram&utm_medium=link&utm_campaign=telegram @TheBabylonBee | Download Our App The Babylon Bee Good Morning America Posts Tweet Celebrating Joe Biden As First White, Male President NEW YORK, NY — The acclaimed morning TV show Good Morning America recognized a significant moment in American history […]
Planned Parenthood Now Offering Post-Birth Abortion Services
The Babylon Bee - Jul 1st 2022 7:47pm EDTNEW YORK, NY—In honor of the organization’s 100th birthday, Planned Parenthood president Cecile Richards announced Wednesday a bold new program, expanding a woman’s right to choose by offering a plethora of post-birth abortion services for fetuses from birth all the way up to eighteen months old.
Legislative, Executive, And Judicial Branches Welcome Big Tech As 4th Branch Of Government
The Babylon Bee - Jul 1st 2022 7:47pm EDT“The best part about this new branch of government is we don’t have to worry about pesky elections getting in the way anymore,” said an almost giddy Kamala Harris. “Now even if we lose every election, Democrats still control Big Tech, and can silence, censor, and control our way back to power! Man, it feels […]
Scholars Now Believe David Only Beat Goliath Because He Had The High Ground
The Babylon Bee - Jul 1st 2022 7:47pm EDTJERUSALEM—Scholars working with the Israel Antiquities Authority have uncovered new evidence that suggests the biblical David was only able to defeat Goliath because he had the high ground.
Texas Passes Law Allowing Students To Lasso Teachers Who Promote Critical Race Theory, Drive Them Out Of Town
The Babylon Bee - Jul 1st 2022 7:32pm EDTAUSTIN, TX—Governor Greg Abbot has signed into law a bill that deputizes students in Texas classrooms so they can use their lassoes to hog-tie any teachers promoting critical race theory and forcibly drive them out of town.The bill is part of a wider national effort by red states like Texas to combat critical race theory […]
Not Good: Chick-Fil-A’s Thanksgiving Day Parade Float Just Activated Its Laser Eyes
The Babylon Bee - Jul 1st 2022 7:32pm EDTNEW YORK, NY—Well, this isn’t good.
Local Man Waiting For Second Person To Gather So Jesus Can Show Up
The Babylon Bee - Jul 1st 2022 7:32pm EDTThe man, Alex Jameson, sat sipping his iced coffee drink for over an hour as he watched out the window, shaking his head in frustration as his Bible study partner failed to show up, ensuring Christ would not be in their midst that day.
Simone Biles Awarded Second Medal Of Freedom For Backing Out Of First Medal Of Freedom CeremonyREAD: https://babylonbee….
The Babylon Bee - Jul 1st 2022 6:52pm EDTSimone Biles Awarded Second Medal Of Freedom For Backing Out Of First Medal Of Freedom Ceremony READ: https://babylonbee.com/news/simone-biles-awarded-second-medal-of-freedom-for-backing-out-of-first-medal-of-freedom-ceremony/?utm_source=telegram&utm_medium=link&utm_campaign=telegram @TheBabylonBee | Download Our App The Babylon Bee Simone Biles Awarded Second Medal Of Freedom For Backing Out Of First Medal Of Freedom Ceremony WASHINGTON, D.C. — This week, Simone Biles backed out of the upcoming Medal […]
We Asked 3 Christian Men What They Want In A Spouse – Here Are The Top ResponsesREAD: https://babylonbee.com/news/we-ask…
The Babylon Bee - Jul 1st 2022 5:52pm EDTWe Asked 3 Christian Men What They Want In A Spouse – Here Are The Top Responses READ: https://babylonbee.com/news/we-asked-3-christian-men-what-they-want-in-a-spouse-here-are-the-top-responses/?utm_source=telegram&utm_medium=link&utm_campaign=telegram @TheBabylonBee | Download Our App The Babylon Bee We Asked 3 Christian Men What They Want In A Spouse – Here Are The Top Responses Are you a woman? Are you in desperate need of a […]
