WOODLAKE, VA — Local wife Victoria Crab phoned her husband in the early evening Thursday to see if he could run by the store real quick on his way home from work so he could grab a couple thousand items.
DURHAM, NC — Local man Jeremy Clams became bedridden Tuesday after a flu virus brutally assaulted his body with a sore throat, coughing, some body aches, and even a mild fever. “This is the worst pain any human has ever felt,” he told his wife Sally, who previously pushed three whole children out of her […]
DAVOS — While at the World Economic Forum, rightful President Al Gore delivered a stern warning on climate change, saying the world will not make it past the year 2012 if something isn’t done immediately.
BOZEMAN, MT — This week, local man Jeff Jefferson lost an estimated 30 minutes of his wife’s attention while showing her a new TV program after she became distracted with each new character introduction and began furiously Googling them to remember where she had seen them before, on other shows or films.
CAIRO — Shockwaves reverberated throughout Egypt today as an international court officially ruled the nation must begin making payments of financial reparations to Israel for hundreds of years of slavery in ancient times.
PHILADELPHIA, PA — NHL star Ivan Provorov declined to participate in the Philadelphia Flyers’ Pride Night or wear a rainbow-colored jersey, saying if he wanted to support the gay agenda he would have played soccer instead of hockey.
ST PAUL, MN — Local second grader Tim Bumbly has been suspended from Rosa Parks 1619 Obama Elementary for repeatedly misgendering one of the M&M’s candies he received in his lunch.
Have you been wondering why so many people are suddenly collapsing? Well, it’s definitely not in any way related to that one thing, that’s for sure! The world’s top experts have been hard at work studying what could cause this uptick in deaths.
TAMPA BAY, FL — In a moving press conference following a crushing loss to the Dallas Cowboys, quarterback Tom Brady said how thankful he was to have given up life with a supermodel wife and three beautiful children to lose in the first round of playoffs.
U.S. — The Department of Justice has announced that anyone found to have pre-ordered the upcoming Harry Potter franchise game Hogwarts Legacy will be added to an anti-trans watchlist.
Being alive is hard. If you don’t eat, you die. But, if you eat the wrong thing, you also die. So be careful out there, friends. What you’re eating might be literally killing you!
DAVOS — World Economic Forum President Børge Brende personally invited John the Baptist to speak at their annual meeting Tuesday after uncovering his propensity for eating disgusting bugs and owning nothing while being happy. The unkempt prophet, who arrived dressed in camel’s hair, was the key speaker in a discussion about the benefits of eating […]
U.S. — In a leaked episode from the new season of The Mandolorian, it remains unclear whether Grogu collapsed from using too much of his force powers or if he just has myocarditis.
DAVOS — Elites have gathered at the World Economic Forum to discuss the latest ways to fix all the world’s problems while also making themselves extremely rich at the expense of the poor. In the keynote speech, Klaus Schwab announced that this year’s topic of discussion would be how to make eggs dramatically more expensive.
CAMBRIDGE, MA — Following the courageous example of USC, which just banned the word “field” for its racist connotations, Harvard University has announced they will no longer allow students or faculty to use the word “Harvard” due to its own tragic history of racism.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — With the deadline fast approaching to increase the amount of money that can be legally stolen from the American people, Congress is being urged to come together and raise the nation’s theft ceiling without conditions.
BOSTON, MASSACHUSETTS — In honor of Dr. King and Coretta Scott King, artist Hank Thomas has unveiled a 20ft statue of the two hugging called the ‘The Embrace’. Unfortunately, the artist was only able to afford to make a statue of their arms embracing and now a GoFundMe has been put together to raise money […]
AUBURN, NY — Following the new tradition of erecting disturbing modern-art monuments for prominent historical figures, the city of Auburn has unveiled a bronze statue of abolitionist and Underground Railroad leader Harriet Tubman’s left big toe.
Investigators found classified documents in President Biden’s garage. No one really knows why it was there, including Biden. But the real story is all the other stuff they found. His garage was a veritable treasure trove of scandal!
ONTARIO, CA — Local woman Karen Bain saved millions of lives this week when she put on a mask for her morning walk. She reportedly took a brief walk down the street and was careful to avoid direct contact with people, grateful for the mask that was saving both her life and the lives of […]
D.C. — Pete Buttigieg has addressed criticism surrounding his lackluster performance as Secretary of Transportation by reminding everyone that he’s really, really gay.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — As investigators continue to find more and more classified documents in various Biden residences, the President attempted to divert attention from the scandal this morning by appearing in wearing a tan suit.
U.S. — Theologians from seminaries across the country have united in agreement that holy Scripture is 72% more powerful if read in an awesome foreign accent.
WASHINGTON, DC — The mood around the nation’s capital was somber today after congressional leaders made the declaration that any member who refuses to bow down before the bust of Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky would be thrown into a fiery furnace.
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