SAN ANTONIO, TX — Christian radio station K-LOVE has parted ways with the Apostle Paul over his continued struggles to maintain the station’s positive and encouraging on-air vibe.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Joe Biden has called on Americans to refrain from cooking with gas stoves for the next two weeks to help “flatten the curve”.
U.S. — After urging from environmental activists, the World Economic Forum, and Bill Nye the Science Guy, Arby’s has changed its slogan to “We Have The Bugs.”
AUSTIN, TX — Parents were called after an incident at Rosa Parks MLK Harvey Milk Elementary today in which several bullies stuffed 3rd-grader Lance Biggens into a locker after the student refused to give them his pronouns.
SANTA BARBARA, CA — Meghan Markle, beloved American princess and thespian, announced Friday that her husband Prince Harry would soon begin a lengthy and painful transition into Princess Harriet, a decision he made of his own free will without any coercion whatsoever.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The White House is on edge this morning after investigators revealed a fourth stash of classified documents from Biden’s tenure as Vice President was found deep in his colon.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In an inspiring show of solidarity with abortionists and other eugenicists, the Democratic Women’s Caucus showed up to the Capitol this week wearing stylish butcher coats.
ENOCH, UT — Associate Pastor Elijah Stormbringer was assumed bodily into heaven during the Sunday service after a perfect delivery of the morning announcements. Stormbringer, who’d been serving at New Wine Fellowship for three years, was unable to give his two weeks notice before ascending on high with the shout of a trumpet. Powered by […]
We all know that gas stoves are murderous devils, but they aren’t the only household appliances the government should ban for our own safety! Here are seven other appliances that are problematic:
WASHINGTON, DC – The Federal Aviation Administration has shut down flights after Secretary of Transportation, Pete Buttigieg fell asleep on the department’s “SHUT DOWN ALL AIR TRAVEL” Button once again. Buttigieg fell asleep on the Button on Tuesday morning, grinding domestic air travel to a halt.
NEW YORK, NY — Pfizer scientists are hard at work on a new vaccine that will eliminate the deadly effects of gas stove emissions. If successful, the shot will allow for the use of a gas stove in a well-ventilated environment without masks.
WASHINGTON, DC — After multiple caches of highly classified government documents were found in different locations belonging to President Joe Biden, the United States Department of Justice acted swiftly to indict former President Donald Trump for the alleged crime.
U.S. — Male M&M’s everywhere rejoiced after the announcement by Mars, Inc. that the female M&M’s are getting their own bag. The male M&M’s hope this change will finally give them some much sought-after peace and quiet.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Biden’s continued efforts to make the world a better place by judiciously banning everything people hold dear continues to bear fruit. After educating the ignorant public on the dangers of gas stoves, the Commander-in-Chief has now set his crosshairs on a hazard that has killed millions throughout history: Fire. Powered by […]
WASHINGTON, D.C. — After another trove of classified documents was found at Biden’s residence, Biden defended himself by claiming he is unaware of any classified documents, or who he is, or why he’s sitting in an oval-shaped office.
Are you being persecuted for your faith? Oh no! That’s not good! We Americans are experts in persecution, so we want to equip you with the tools you need to survive!
UZ — Job, famed tycoon of sheep, camels, oxen, and donkeys, has fallen upon hard times, losing much of his fortune and all his children in a single day, as well as being stricken with painful boils. The bereaved Job has found some respite in the form of visits from key friends, who brought with […]
U.S. — Secretary of Defense Lloyd Austin has officially reversed the COVID vaccine requirement for the military, as it is no longer needed now that all the Conservatives have been weeded out.
TEHRAN, IRAN — An oppressed Iranian woman who did not dare give journalists her name for fear of deadly repercussions said she finally feels like there’s hope thanks to an American mega-corporation unveiling a new package of all-female M&Ms.
U.S. — Doctors have finally admitted that the best treatment for the flu is watching The Price Is Right while eating crackers, ending decades-long speculation among local communities that flu medication didn’t do anything.
GALILEE — In a not-so-well-known miracle, Jesus the Son of God has done the impossible and healed a totally lame man by giving him a sick wardrobe makeover, curing him instantly.
CARMEL, IN — Former Vice President Mike Pence repented publicly at his church on Sunday after sources revealed he had eaten several “all-female” M&M candies from the new all-female bags without his wife present.
MONTECITO, CA — The unprecedented rain and flooding in California has forced celebrities to emerge from their mansions and force more selfie videos upon the unwary peasantry. One particular celebrity who travels on private jets and collects luxury sports cars posted a distressing video from near her $14 million mansion to say you are the […]
People sure have been making a big deal about vaccine efficacy and myocarditis for some reason. Weird! Don’t be afraid of taking the vaccine. It may not cure COVID-19, but what it does do is far more valuable.
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