We have all had to hold back on Twitter over the past several years, as even the most benignly contrarian take could land you in Twitter jail. Well, it’s finally sinking in that Elon Musk has taken the helm, and here are ten controversial things you can now say on Twitter to prove it: Powered […]
LEHI, UT — A local attorney specializing in heated, bitter divorces has seen his business thrive since he set up shop at the exit of his local IKEA store. This convenient location has provided him with a plethora of couples who had been happily married before entering the store, but were now more than ready […]
NORTH KOREA — Through diplomatic channels, America has offered for Kim Jong-Un to test out his nuclear arsenal at the next Astros-Phillies World Series game.
SAN JOSE, CA — Roku has become a popular software platform, with more and more smart TVs incorporating its streaming services. But the Silicon Valley tech company recently recognized a major problem: only 62% of users reported losing a Roku remote immediately after setting it down on the couch or bed. To increase these “rookie […]
SAN FRANCISCO, CA — With Elon Musk acquiring Twitter, many heartbroken Leftists expressed concern they may soon have to resort to just not reading tweets they don’t like.
TUSCALOOSA, AL — According to sources close to local man Greg Bernard, the construction sales representative, husband, and father of five often makes cracks about how emotional and moody his wife is, despite the fact that he himself is only happy if his favorite sportsball team scores more points than the other sportsball team on […]
LOS ANGELES, CA — After being dropped by Adidas and several other lucrative sponsors for controversial comments about the Jews, Kanye West has desperately been looking for other companies who might be willing to sponsor him. This morning he announced he has struck a deal with Crocs footwear.
U.S. — Babylon Bee writers are scrambling to come up with a last-minute new joke worth the $44 billion Elon Musk spent to bring the satirists back on Twitter.
Despite the fact that Americans view at least 327 prescription drug ads per day, we don’t seem to be very healthy! We at The Babylon Bee consulted our trusted panel of medical experts and Reddit to come up with some of the best home remedies for whatever ails you!
Greetings, Babylon Bee readers. You may or may not be aware of the case of Novak v. City of Parma, Ohio. A quick rundown for the layperson: Mr. Anthony Novak was temporarily jailed for creating a parody Facebook page of his local police department. He has thus far been unsuccessful in suing for damages, as […]
SAN FRANCISCO, CA — Elon Musk claimed his $44 billion purchase of Twitter was to fight for free speech and turn the social media company profitable. But after Musk showed up at Twitter headquarters this week carrying a sink all so he could say “Let that sink in,” he’s admitted the purchase was all just […]
MIRAMAR, FL — Spirit Airlines has hammered yet another nail into the coffin of ableism by hiring the world’s first blind commercial airline pilot. Flight 2047 from Orlando to Saint Louis is set to be the first vision-impaired flight. The co-pilot will reportedly wear a blindfold for the duration of the flight out of solidarity […]
SAN FRANCISCO, CA — Only hours after officially taking over Twitter, Elon Musk has taken action on firing underperforming employees. After reviewing the metrics on individual employee productivity, Musk abruptly fired 3,200 Twitter team members and replaced them with Amar.
PHILADELPHIA, PA — Democrats were praised by ableism awareness advocates this week for nominating a blind possum with brain damage to the Senate race in Pennsylvania.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — According to sources at the White House, Joe Biden admitted after his interview with trans TikTok star Dylan Mulvaney that he didn’t “feel right” about the meeting, as “something kind of smelled off about that broad.”
SAN FRANCISCO, CA — As Elon Musk takes over Twitter this week and begins looking for ways to make the $44 billion-dollar company more profitable, some employees are starting to worry about the future of their jobs.
BRADDOCK, PA — According to sources, Senate candidate John Fetterman was eating a quiet breakfast this morning when he suddenly blurted out the rest of the answer to question 3 of the debate from two nights ago.
OUR DEMOCRACY IS IN GRAVE DANGER, and the only way to save it is to be informed! That’s why the democracy experts at the Babylon Bee have written the definitive guide to our constitutional republic.
It can be hard to bother voting, especially when every election that hasn’t gone your way has been rigged. But don’t give up; you can do plenty to keep our elections safe and fair.
SAN FRANCISCO, CA — Following a roller coaster of negotiations and threats of legal action, Elon Musk is now at the final stretch of acquiring Twitter. With this purchase, Musk has announced plans to reduce Twitter’s workforce to only 280 characters.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — After inviting biological man Dylan Mulvaney to the White House to discuss the challenges of being a woman, the Biden White House has announced a follow-up summit in which he will host Jimmy Kimmel for an in-depth discussion on what it’s like to be black.
HARRISBURG, PA — Midway through his debate against Dr. Oz this week, the Democratic candidate for Pennsylvania’s open Senate seat issued a heated reminder that “Fetterman” was the name of the scientist who created him and not his own name.
NASHVILLE, TN — According to sources, Daily Wire political commentator Matt Walsh is horrified after DailyWire+ announced a new Matt Walsh-themed anime series entitled Libslayer One-Beard Man With Walrus.
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