HARRISBURG, PA — After witnessing last night’s debate between Senate candidates Mehmet Oz and John Fetterman, the people of Pennsylvania have overwhelmingly voted to just have no representation in the Senate at all.
ATLANTA, GA — After extensive research, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention announced that the declining math and English scores of American students were being added to its list of COVID-19 symptoms.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — White House security is in turmoil after it was revealed that former President Donald Trump had snuck back into the White House by disguising himself as a trans TikTok star.
U.S. — After making antisemitic comments in several interviews, Kanye West has lost several key sponsors, including Adidas. Now, it seems, he has hit rock bottom as authorities confirmed he has been incinerated by the Jewish Space Laser.
PARADISE — A local man was suddenly struck with fear as he stood in line to enter Heaven when Saint Peter unexpectedly asked him to answer how many warriors were in the tribe of Simeon at the time of the Exodus.
WORLD — Global leaders are shaken after researchers uncovered a young Jewish man from Nazareth at the center of a dark plot to control the entire universe — which he also apparently created.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — With the 2022 midterms just around the corner, Democrat lawmakers have formed the “United States House Select Committee to Investigate Who Did All Those Lockdowns and Vaccine Mandates” in hopes of finding out just who was behind all of those school closures, mask mandates, arrests, and egregious abuses of civil rights. Powered […]
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a televised address from the oval office, President Joe Biden called for calm across the nation by falling asleep on national television. Millions of Americans witnessed the leader of the free world slowly nod off mid-sentence and grumble in his sleep as he slowly slipped out of his chair and out […]
VISTA, CA — Local man Alex McCarthy has reported high levels of well-being, with his career trajectory, family life, and leadership in his church and community all on an upward trajectory. Things were going so smoothly that he decided to follow sports to bring some more crippling stress and frustration into his life. Powered by […]
NEW YORK, NY — Pfizer has announced the launch of a new breakthrough treatment for depression, Thorovil, a pharmaceutical that consists of a heavy metal head mounted at a right angle at the end of a handle. Patients prescribed Thorovil can use the object to smash their cell phones into tiny pieces, instantly curing all […]
U.S. — Following a raft of new polls this week showing GOP gains in key Senate battleground states, Republicans were seen Googling “What to do after winning an election,” while dabbing beads of sweat from their brows.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — History was made last week as Dylan Mulvaney, a pretend woman, sat down in a one-hour Now This News special with Joe Biden, a pretend president.
LAFAYETTE, LA — Local man Alan Tucker patiently waited for his entire family to fall asleep so he could hide in the office to listen to Taylor Swift’s newest album Midnights.
EDMOND, OK — YouVersion, parent company of the most popular Bible app on the App Store, has announced a groundbreaking change to mankind’s Bible-reading experience. Effective this week, genealogies in the Old and New Testaments are now skippable through a handy shortcut on all YouVersion Bible applications.
So, you’ve learned from Stacey Abrams that you can deal with high food and gas prices by murdering your children – but what other problems in your life could be solved by simply offing your kids? Ms. Abrams has graciously compiled a list of eight other stressors you could have off your back – with […]
PHOENIX, AZ — Local Uber driver Michael Skinner set a new record today, waiting nearly a tenth of a second before telling his passenger that Uber isn’t his main job.
LOS ANGELES, CA — Climate advocates around the world are gluing themselves to various things to protest oil companies and other contributors to climate change. The latest celebrity to join the craze is Leonardo DiCaprio, who is making a powerful statement by gluing his own hand to his face.
INDIANAPOLIS, IN — Pro Dad and savvy world traveler Chip Dunnings is taking his family on vacation, and to avoid missing the flight, has made sure the family shows up packed and ready to go before the airport is even built.
TOLEDO, OH — A local man was left frustrated early this morning upon finding out that he was expected to make coffee despite the fact that he hadn’t even had his morning coffee yet.
Are you and your backward family still following those outdated family traditions? It’s time to drop those archaic and meaningless activities for some family traditions that actually matter!
U.S. — In its latest bid to promote homeschooling, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention voted to recommend the COVID vaccine be given as part of routine yearly immunizations for all schoolchildren. The vaccine, which has proved ineffective in preventing transmission of COVID, may soon be spreading uncommon side effects among children as early […]
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