SIMPSONVILLE, SC — Sources indicate that the last holdout still wearing full business attire to his work-from-home job has finally caved, going pantsless to his Zoom meetings this morning.
NEW YORK CITY, NY — Serbian tennis star Novak Djokovic has been declared the champion of the 2022 US Open, as all the other contestants have died suddenly of mysterious heart attacks. US Open Chair Patrick Galbraith made the announcement this morning as the last player was carted away in an ambulance.
ATLANTA, GA — CDC Director Dr. Rochelle Walensky held a press conference to warn the public about a deadly new “stealth” COVID-19 variant that causes negative test results and causes no symptoms.
WASHINGTON, DC — An anonymous White House aide has leaked sensitive information which confirms the validity of rumors that have long been circulating throughout the nation’s capital: Joe Biden “quiet quit” the presidency several months ago.
SACRAMENTO, CA — This week, the California State Assembly announced that they have passed a new measure requiring men to demonstrate solidarity with the trans community by sitting when they pee.
MAR-A-LAGO, FL — Former President Trump has continued his steadfast work helping the Democrats retain control of the Senate, so that everyone will really, really miss him by the time 2024 gets here.
ANCHORAGE, AK — After receiving his Halloween costume in the mail early and trying it on, local child Ryden Hollister declared boldly that he would not be removing the costume for the next 8 weeks.
SANDY SPRINGS, GA — According to sources, famed college football coach Brian Kelly stubbornly refused to listen to local man Mark Johnson when he repeatedly yelled “CALL A TIME OUT!!!” at his TV.
CALIFORNIA — A 3.9-magnitude earthquake over the weekend caused thousands of Californians to pull up Twitter on their phones and post asking if anyone else felt the earthquake.
WASHINGTON, DC — Officials from the Department of Justice and the Federal Bureau of Investigation were forced to defend themselves today as news came out that many of the file folders confiscated in the raid of former President Donald Trump’s residence at Mar-A-Lago were empty.
INDIANAPOLIS, IN — Local woman Sabrina McKenzie asked her husband to please go on an epic quest of mythologic proportions, since he was already up anyways to go to the bathroom.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Having politically weaponized federal law enforcement for his own political gain, President Biden has now taken to the airwaves to warn that democracy is in real danger.
MONTGOMERY, AL — Local man Alex Gleitz began wondering today if he ought to perhaps do the dishes, having found himself eating Honey Nut Cheerios out of a flower vase.
WORLD — Amazon’s new Rings of Power fanfiction is being somewhat warmly received by critics, but the audience is divided, with lots of negative reviews being posted alongside people who thought it was fine.
PHOENIX, AZ — After collecting data from thousands of toilets across the country, dog scientists have definitively determined that toilet water contains essential nutrients not found in a water bowl.
BERLIN — Biden announced today the establishment of a secret police force known as the Geheime Staatspolizei, or Gestapo for short. The police force will be controlled directly by Biden and used to investigate extremists, domestic terrorists, and any others suspected of not fully supporting the Biden administration. “This is a new dawn for our […]
BERLIN — The war having turned against him, Biden has reportedly taken a cyanide capsule in an underground bunker. Biden holed up here in hopes of living out his final days as it became increasingly clear that his Reich was crumbling under the pressure of the Allied forces. Biden’s forces were annihilated at the Battle […]
MOSCOW — Biden’s forces hit a major stumbling block Friday as they were unable to reach USSR’s capital of Moscow before the harsh Siberian winter weather hit. According to sources, Biden’s army is currently short of food, shelter, and other supplies, as the wet, snowy winter has shut down all overland travel. Additionally, Russian forces […]
BERLIN — Biden announced last evening the signing of the Tripartite Pact, a military alliance that solidifies the union of our nation’s military with those of Benito Mussolini’s Italian forces and Emperor Hirohito’s Empire of Japan. “We will be a great axis of nations,” Biden said as he pounded on his lectern during his announcement […]
PARIS — France surrendered to Biden Friday after a brutal battle that lasted minutes. While there was little resistance to the Biden regime, not all French leaders were eager to sign an armistice with Biden. French General Charles de Gaulle took to the radio to urge French citizens to continue the fight against Biden no […]
BERLIN — Biden has announced a “defensive war” against Poland, after claiming that Poland had acted as the aggressor and launched unprovoked attacks on the United States. Biden further said the war was necessary to liberate his citizens currently living in Poland, who are being “persecuted by terrorists who act friendly and wear red hats.” […]
BERLIN — Supreme Führer Joe Biden signed a nonaggression pact with Polish leaders while this morning, causing world leaders everywhere to breathe easy. “Wow, I guess he’s peaceful after all,” said French President Albert Lebrun. “What a relief!” The American-Polish declaration of non-aggression demonstrates to the world how desiring of peace Biden is, according to […]
