WASHINGTON, D.C. — White House sources say President Biden expressed sadness upon hearing that the nice blonde nurse who always follows him around every day has come down with COVID.
ALEXANDRIA, LA — In an unsurprising and perfectly predictable turn of events, Aunt Alice’s Facebook account was hacked again. Friends and family were notified of the third hack this year when they each received a private message from her account introducing a hot new way to make money through crypto-backed NFT eBay listings. Powered by […]
HARBOR CITY, CA — Hara-Kiri Blades has released a new tactical knife that is the same one used by Navy SEALs to open the Amazon packages their wives receive. This marks the first time the knife, called Boxer MK 4 Navy Knife, is available to the public.
LOS ANGELES, CA — According to sources, local woman Carli Bamkins — who was a tomboy in the ’90s — is thanking God she didn’t grow up today when her boobs would get hacked off by a gender surgeon.
We at The Babylon Bee want to help de-code common marital communications between the spouses, whether it’s helping husbands know whether their wives are mad at them or helping wives to understand the mixed signals, coded messages, and confounding double-speak from the complicated creatures known as “husbands”!
KABUL — Thousands of American citizens still stranded in Afghanistan one year after the Biden Administration’s overnight retreat are beginning to suspect the President may not be coming back for them, sources say.
ANAHEIM, CA — According to sources, local father Jon Patterson grabbed a map as soon as his family entered the gates at Disneyland over the weekend. Patterson then barked orders like some battle-hardened general or squad leader executing a daring battle plan to his troops.
MAR-A-LAGO — Anonymous sources are alleging that among the documents confiscated from Trump’s residence were the top secret plans to the White House. These plans are said to reveal the building’s only weakness: a thermal exhaust port only 2 meters wide.
SIOUX FALLS, SD — Local man Tom Goodwin completely embarrassed himself at church this morning after being forced to resort to his Bible tabs to locate the book of Habakkuk.
CANA — After hearing wine was back on the menu, local bridesmaid Abigail approached Jesus and asked if He could turn the water into something a little fruity, but not too sweet.
ST. LOUIS, MO — After hearing another cry to the Almighty over a broken McDonald’s ice cream machine, the Lord sent an angel to reassure believers that in Christ’s Kingdom the machines will at least work the majority of the time.
BABYLON BEE HEADQUARTERS — We here at the Babylon Bee have been deeply saddened over the past days to see such mean-spirited criticism of our favorite institution of American government, the dearly beloved Federal Bureau of Investigation.
Women are such unbelievably mysterious creatures, trying to figure out when one is mad at you can be, well, maddening! To help, we at the Babylon Bee have collected these very subtle clues to help men know when trouble is afoot.
BOSTON, MA — In light of so-called “gender affirming care” making the Hippocratic Oath silly and outdated, Harvard Medical School has officially adopted the new oath “Mutilate Kids For Money.”
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The newly released search warrant of Mar-a-Lago claims that Trump had recently aquired all six infinity stones and was keeping them on a fully assembled infinity gauntlet in his closet.
NEW YORK, NY — After 20 years at CNN, Legal Analyst Jeffrey Toobin has decided to part ways with the news organization to expose himself to new audiences.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Rep Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez disputed claims of Republicans who claim the U.S. has devolved into a banana republic following the raid on former President Trump’s Florida residence, saying that America is more like a Forever 21.
WORLD — Scholars have finally confirmed that it’s not necessary to say a blessing for pre-meal chips and salsa, as they were already blessed in eternity past before the foundations of the world.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — With many Americans up in arms over the unprecedented raid of former President Trump’s residence in Mar-a-Lago by the FBI, Attorney General Garland released a statement to assure everyone the raid was completely justified. Eyewitnesses noted he looked unusually fetching in an elegant Dolce & Gabanna evening gown and a Dior sun […]
BANGOR, ME — Stephen King fans have long been perplexed as to how the man who wrote The Shining, the Dark Tower series, and Misery could possibly be the same guy who logs onto Twitter and tweets like a 7-year-old chimpanzee with anger issues.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Biden fired FBI Director Christopher Wray Friday and appointed a new director that he hopes will restore American trust in the organization. Burt Macklin, a 20-year veteran of the bureau, will take command immediately.
LAS VEGAS, NV — The FBI raided the home of Nicholas Cage in the early morning hours Friday after an anonymous tip that he had stolen the Declaration of Independence.
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