News From The Babylon Bee

To Halt Violence Against Jews, Australia Bans Hanukkah (Satire)

MELBOURNE — To stem the growing tide of violence against Jewish citizens, the Australian government has moved to officially ban the celebration of Hanukkah.

FAKE NEWS: Media Reports Mass Shooting In Australia But That’s Impossible Because Guns Are Illegal There (Satire)

WORLD — Fake news media across the globe have reported that a mass shooting occurred in Australia, which is literally impossible because guns are illegal there.

Sick Husband Taken Care Of By Sicker Wife (Satire)

RICHMOND, KY — Local husband Kevin Manthei fell ill over the weekend, requiring constant care and attention from his wife Bethany, who is currently much more ill.

Candace Owens Honors Charlie Kirk’s Legacy By Doing Everything In Her Power To Destroy It (Satire)

U.S. — Podcaster and amateur sleuth Candace Owens has vowed to honor Charlie Kirk’s legacy by doing everything in her power to destroy it.

Candace Owens Honors Charlie Kirk’s Legacy By Doing Everything In Her Power To Destroy It (Satire)

U.S. — Podcaster and amateur sleuth Candace Owens has vowed to honor Charlie Kirk’s legacy by doing everything in her power to destroy it.

12 Fun Activities That Are Less Likely To Destroy Your Family Than ‘Monopoly’ (Satire)

Countless families have been destroyed by games of Monopoly gone awry. Don’t let that happen to you.

12 Fun Activities That Are Less Likely To Destroy Your Family Than ‘Monopoly’ (Satire)

Countless families have been destroyed by games of Monopoly gone awry. Don’t let that happen to you.

Trump Advice for Families Struggling This Christmas: Your Kids Are Bad So Maybe They Don’t Deserve Presents (Satire)

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump has just one message for American families struggling economically this Christmas: “Your kids are bad, so maybe they don’t deserve presidents.”

Reminder: Santa Wants Gluten In His Cookies (Satire)

U.S. — As Christmas Eve approaches, decorations adorn the tree, and bands of carolers prepare to roam the streets, an urgent message arrived from the North Pole to remind everyone not to forget that Santa Claus wants gluten in his cookies.

Kilmar Abrego Garcia Uses Frequent Flyer Miles To Take Killer Disney Vacation (Satire)

ORLANDO, FL — The much-publicized legal tug-of-war over his deportation finally paid off for illegal alien Kilmar Abrego Garcia, as he announced that he was using all the frequent flyer miles he racked up during the ordeal to take a killer Disney vacation.

Kilmar Abrego Garcia Uses Frequent Flyer Miles To Take Killer Disney Vacation (Satire)

ORLANDO, FL — The much-publicized legal tug-of-war over his deportation finally paid off for illegal alien Kilmar Abrego Garcia, as he announced that he was using all the frequent flyer miles he racked up during the ordeal to take a killer Disney vacation.

Jesus Kinda Bummed He Was Born On December 25 And Now His Birthday Will Be Overshadowed By Christmas Every Year (Satire)

CAPERNAUM — Reports surfaced this week that carpenter-turned-traveling teacher Jesus of Nazareth expressed disappointment with having to share a birthday with the biggest holiday of the year.

California Family Still Waiting For Permit To Build Gingerbread House (Satire)

PACIFIC PALISADES, CA — Bucking years of tradition, a family new to the California area had failed to build a single gingerbread house this Christmas season due to a backlog at the permit office.

Trump Worried Reports Of Venezuelan Oil Tanker Seizure Have Ruined The Surprise Of Melania’s Christmas Gift (Satire)

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump expressed concern that his wife, Melania, may now be aware of what he got her for Christmas after news reports surfaced that the U.S. military had seized a Venezuelan oil tanker this week.

Thinking About Going To Church? Here Are 10 Tips For Your First Sunday (Satire)

Attending a church for the first time can be a daunting experience. If this is the first time you’re attending church this Sunday, try not to stress too much about what it’ll be like to be in an entirely new place surrounded by people you don’t know. Just follow these handy tips, and you’ll be […]

US Military Persuades Entire Venezuelan Army To Surrender By Offering Them Some Food (Satire)

VENEZUELA — In a remarkable demonstration of martial superiority, the United States military just forced an unconditional surrender out of the entire Venezuelan army just by offering them some food.

Whoaa This B-List Actor Just Said Something Remotely Christian Whoaaaa (Satire)

WHOA now. WHOAAA.

Meaning Of Christmas Revealed To Actually Be Those Popcorn Tins With The Three Types Of Popcorn (Satire)

The meaning of Christmas has been officially revealed, and it’s all about those metal tins with three types of popcorn. Yep. Would you have guessed it?

Michigan Taps Marco Rubio As Interim Head Coach (Satire)

ANN ARBOR, MI — Just moments after news broke that the University of Michigan had fired head football coach Sherrone Moore with cause, Secretary of State Marco Rubio had been tapped as interim coach.

Report: Backs Of Cereal Boxes Have Really Gone Downhill (Satire)

U.S. — A recent report finds that the backs of cereal boxes have really gone downhill over the years, which is lame.

Jasmine Crockett Hits Campaign Trail To Axe For Votes (Satire)

HOUSTON, TX — Representative Jasmine Crockett has officially launched her Senate bid, immediately hitting the campaign trail to “axe for votes.”

23 Gifts The Wise Men Should Have Brought Instead (Satire)

Indianapolis Colts Debut New Trick Play Where Philip Rivers Fakes Handoff To Running Back Then Runs Off Field To Get Wife Pregnant Again (Satire)

INDIANAPOLIS, IN — The Indianapolis Colts unveiled a new trick play where quarterback Philip Rivers fakes a handoff, then jogs off the field to get his wife pregnant again.

Small Group Waits In Hushed Anticipation As Newlyweds Prepare To Offer Marriage Advice (Satire)

OLATHE, KS — A local church gathering was set to offer new insights into life that no one else had ever discovered before, as a small group waited in hushed anticipation, as newlyweds prepared to offer marriage advice to everyone else.

Life Hack: Trick A Lovely Lady Into Marrying You By Hiding Your Obsessive Hobby Until Alas It Is Too Late For Her (Satire)

Men, if you’re still looking for love we’ve got a sweet life hack for you today — trick a nice girl into marrying you by hiding your obsessive hobby until after you’ve tied the knot and she’s stuck with you.