Pastor Gently Informs Drummer A Triple Bass Pedal Isn’t Really Needed For ‘Come Thou Fount Of Every Blessing’ (Satire)
The Babylon Bee - Apr 18th 2024 5:10pm EDTTULSA, OK — Worship at a local church was noticeably more subdued this last Sunday morning, as the pastor gently informed the band’s drummer that a triple bass pedal wasn’t really needed for “Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing.”
Donald Trump Describes 9 Historical Battles (Satire)
The Babylon Bee - Apr 18th 2024 4:53pm EDTFollowing Donald Trump’s masterful recounting of the Battle of Gettysburg, the world has been awaiting his descriptions of other famous battles. That wait is now over, as Trump has provided his synopses of an all-star list of the world’s most well-known confrontations.
Mike Johnson Unzips Skinsuit Revealing He Was Kevin McCarthy All Along (Satire)
The Babylon Bee - Apr 18th 2024 4:09pm EDTWASHINGTON, D.C. — In a shocking development amid the uproar over whether congressional Republicans will seek to oust yet another Speaker of the House, current leader Mike Johnson unzipped a skinsuit to reveal he was Kevin McCarthy all along.
NPR Says They Always Strive To Feature A Broad Range Of Opinions From Slightly Communist To Very Communist (Satire)
The Babylon Bee - Apr 18th 2024 3:59pm EDTWASHINGTON, DC — After being accused by some of lacking viewpoint diversity, leadership at NPR now says that they always strive to feature a broad range of opinions from slightly Communist to very Communist.
Flight Attendant On A Boeing Gives Presentation On What To Do In The Unlikely Event Of A Safe Landing (Satire)
The Babylon Bee - Apr 18th 2024 3:19pm EDTDENVER, CO — On American Airlines Flight 9947 from Denver to Atlanta, flight attendant Kimberly Glover gave an updated presentation on what passengers were to do in the unlikely event of a safe landing of their Boeing 737 MAX aircraft.
Hillary Clinton Condemns Trump For Paying Hush Money To Political Liabilities Instead Of Just Killing Them (Satire)
The Babylon Bee - Apr 18th 2024 3:08pm EDTNEW YORK, NY — Former U.S. Senator and email expert Hilary Clinton issued a statement this week condemning Donald Trump for allegedly paying hush money to political liabilities instead of just killing them.
Disciples Astonished As Jesus Calms Down Woman Simply By Saying ‘Peace! Be Still!’ (Satire)
The Babylon Bee - Apr 18th 2024 2:39pm EDTGALILEE — Word spread quickly of an unprecedented miracle after Jesus calmed down an angry woman simply by saying “Peace! Be still!”
Trump Legal Team Skeptical About Impartiality Of Juror Number Six (Satire)
The Babylon Bee - Apr 18th 2024 1:31pm EDTNEW YORK, NY — As jury selection continued in his upcoming criminal trial, former President Donald Trump’s legal team struggled to weed through the available jurors and voiced skepticism about the impartiality of Juror #6.
Andrew Tate Releases Course On How To Be A Manly Stud Under Investigation For Sex Trafficking (Satire)
The Babylon Bee - Apr 17th 2024 5:43pm EDTVOLUNTARI — Men who have searched their entire lives for instruction on how to be more masculine and successful finally received the news they had waited for, as kickboxer/entrepreneur/social media personality/alleged criminal Andrew Tate released a new course on how to be a manly stud under investigation for sex trafficking.
Man Searches Through Amazon Jungle For Uncontacted Tribe To Tell Them He Does Crossfit (Satire)
The Babylon Bee - Apr 17th 2024 5:12pm EDTCHIRIBIQUETE — A historic expedition went underway this week, as a dedicated man began his search through the most remote reaches of the Amazon jungle to find an uncontacted tribe of natives so he could tell them that he does Crossfit.
Biden Unveils Official Campaign Slogan ‘Death To America’ (Satire)
The Babylon Bee - Apr 17th 2024 4:45pm EDTWASHINGTON, D.C. — After workshopping several potential slogans with Democratic focus groups, the 2024 Biden campaign has settled on “Death To America”.
10 Surprising Upsides To The Nuclear Apocalypse (Satire)
The Babylon Bee - Apr 17th 2024 4:42pm EDTAs you may already know, global thermonuclear war is nearly upon us, but while that may cause some people to feel depressed, you may be happy to know there are some surprising upsides.
Calvinist Man Placed Under Church Discipline For Patchy Beard (Satire)
The Babylon Bee - Apr 17th 2024 2:38pm EDTSioux Falls, SD — Elders at Covenant Reformed Church have made the unfortunate but necessary step of placing one of their members under the discipline of the church for having a patchy beard.
Oops: Columbia University President Accidentally Gives Nazi Salute When Being Sworn In For Congressional Testimony (Satire)
The Babylon Bee - Apr 17th 2024 2:34pm EDTWASHINGTON, D.C. — Further controversy erupted on Capitol Hill today at the start of a hearing on antisemitism on college campuses, as Columbia University president Nemat Shafik accidentally gave a Nazi salute when being sworn in before her congressional testimony.
Judge Announces Trump Will Not Be Permitted To Go To Son’s Graduation Or To The Bathroom Until Trial Finished (Satire)
The Babylon Bee - Apr 17th 2024 2:24pm EDTNEW YORK, NY — Public sentiment was deeply divided on the subject of former President Donald Trump’s criminal trial after the presiding judge announced Trump would not be permitted to go to his son’s graduation or to the bathroom until the trial was finished.
People Angry About Low WNBA Salaries Prepared To Do Anything Except Watch WNBA (Satire)
The Babylon Bee - Apr 17th 2024 12:48pm EDTU.S. — As the debate over the gender wage gap among professional basketball players raged on, people who were angry about low WNBA salaries proudly declared they were prepared to do anything necessary to bring about change except for watching WNBA games.
9 Life Hacks To Get Free Hotel Rooms, Flights, And Debit Cards (Satire)
The Babylon Bee - Apr 16th 2024 6:23pm EDTPrices continued to rise, making it difficult for individuals and families to make ends meet, let alone take vacations. There are, however, handy life hacks that can let you get free hotel rooms, airline flights, and preloaded debit cards!
‘I’ll Have A Chili Cheese Fry And A Strawberry Shake,’ Says Man Who Never Learns From His Mistakes (Satire)
The Babylon Bee - Apr 16th 2024 5:35pm EDTUPLAND, CA — A local man was doomed to repeat history today after failing to learn from it, as he arrived at a greasy hole-in-the-wall eatery to order an assortment of the type of powerfully unhealthy foods he routinely eats shortly before regretting his decision.
Seeking Better Counsel, Trump Hires Sydney Sweeney As New Lawyer (Satire)
The Babylon Bee - Apr 16th 2024 5:32pm EDTNEW YORK, NY — In a surprise twist during the jury selection phase of his criminal hush money trial, former President Trump has parted ways with his legal team and acquired Sydney Sweeney to be his new lawyer.
Journalist At NPR Suspended, Leading To Shocking Discovery There Was A Journalist At NPR (Satire)
The Babylon Bee - Apr 16th 2024 3:23pm EDTWASHINGTON, D.C. — A journalist and senior editor at National Public Radio has been suspended, leading to the astounding revelation that there was a journalist working at NPR.
Caitlin Clark Becomes Highest-Paid WNBA Player In History With Lucrative Four-Figure Annual Salary (Satire)
The Babylon Bee - Apr 16th 2024 3:02pm EDTINDIANAPOLIS, IN — The sports world took notice this week as #1 draft pick Caitlin Clark became the highest-paid WNBA player in history, with the Indiana Fever signing her to a contract that will provide her with a lucrative four-figure annual salary.
Judge Warns Trump Criminal Trial May Last Until, Say, November 6 (Satire)
The Babylon Bee - Apr 16th 2024 2:14pm EDTNEW YORK, NY — In what could have significant ramifications for the upcoming presidential election, the presiding judge warned that former President Donald Trump’s criminal trial may last until, say, November 6.
Struggling Americans Hopeful Their Taxes Will Help Get The National Debt Down To A Manageable $34 Trillion (Satire)
The Babylon Bee - Apr 16th 2024 1:23pm EDTU.S. — As struggling American citizens finished filing their taxes this week, many expressed hope that their small contributions will be instrumental in getting the national debt down to a much more manageable $34 trillion.
9 Great Entertainment Acts For Your Next Church Men’s Conference (Satire)
The Babylon Bee - Apr 15th 2024 6:33pm EDTFor some reason, church men’s conference entertainment is now a topic of conversation. To avoid falling into any controversy, making sure your church’s men’s conference has the right opening act scheduled should be a priority.
The Babylon Bee Guide To The Apocalypse Is Coming Soon! (Satire)
The Babylon Bee - Apr 15th 2024 4:57pm EDTNOT SATIRE: