PLANO, TX — Local seven-year-old Benjamin Gunther was outed as a homeschooler after he looked an adult directly in the eyes while speaking in complete sentences.
LEGOLAND, CA — Representatives from LEGO gathered at Legoland in San Diego to unveil a new series of building sets called ‘California Home’ that requires kids to fill out building permits and wait two years before starting construction.
RUIDOSO, NM — Local man Pete Blanton has decided to refrain from reading the Bible so as not to dampen the excitement of watching the Passion of the Christ sequel.
SEATTLE, WA — In a beautiful, heartwarming call for universal peace, liberals took several stolen, burning Teslas and arranged them to spell out “Coexist.”
NUUK — Vice President JD Vance was met with a cold reception early Friday when he arrived in Greenland to find a grand army furiously making snowballs to defend against an invasion from the United States.
U.S. — Kart Rite Manufacturing (KRM) issued a nationwide recall this week following the discovery of a grocery store shopping cart that had four properly functioning wheels.
HOLLYWOOD, CA — Movie production has officially ceased, ending the dreams of aspiring actors and screenwriters everywhere, as all Hollywood studios collectively agreed that they would never be able to top 1977’s Smokey and the Bandit.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The controversy surrounding Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth and his tattoo choices intensified earlier this week after he unveiled a brand-new “Kill All Commies” tattoo on his forehead.
LONDON — British authorities took one of the U.K.’s most dangerous individuals off the streets, with police announcing the arrest of an 80-year-old woman for using a butter knife to spread butter on her toast.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump announced this week that he was leaving office in order to take an even more powerful position as a U.S. District Court judge.
The British Constable is on the prowl, and he is rounding up dangerous weapons by the minute to keep England safe from all sorts of harm. God save our brave constables!
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Hearings on Capitol Hill took a dramatic turn today, with PBS’s bipartisanship being questioned due to newly released footage of Elmo keying a Tesla Cybertruck.
HOLLYWOOD, CA — Disney’s latest offering, Snow White, is already garnering Oscar buzz after performing terribly at the box office and bombing with critics, attributes the Academy looks for when choosing films to nominate.
HEAVEN — God confirmed this week that our heavenly bodies will look very similar to the aesthetic of animator Hayao Miyazaki, creator of Studio Ghibli.
LONDON — British PM Keir Starmer has announced that he has directed authorities to prosecute the famous King Arthur for his unauthorized use of the deadly sword Excalibur, violating the nation’s ban on swords.
As the leader of the free world, President Donald J. Trump is a role model for all Americans. From his trademark hairstyle to his flawlessly orange complexion, everyone wants to look like him. But how can you do it?
WASHINGTON, D.C. — With lawmakers calling for Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth to resign over leaked Yemen attack plans, Hegseth expressed deep regret for not instead getting soldiers killed in a chaotic withdrawal and handing $80 billion of weaponry to terrorists.
U.S. — State Farm has begun offering optional extra car insurance coverage for protection against customers’ cars being torched by psychotic weirdos with purple hair.
U.S. — State Farm has begun offering optional extra car insurance coverage for protection against customers’ cars being torched by psychotic weirdos with purple hair.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In another serious breach of White House security this week, Hunter Biden was discovered to still be living in a toolshed on the White House lawn.
AUSTIN, TX — As he launched through the air off the G-Force Burnout Set Launcher Ramp, Governor Greg Abbott wondered aloud why a Democratic Representative had referred to him as “Hot Wheels.”
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