With the final push to the election underway, former President Trump has taken a slight lead in the polls — but his fundraising trails Vice President Harris by $600 million. Yikes! To close the gap, Trump unveiled nine brilliant, foolproof fundraising ideas guaranteed to level the field:
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a renewed effort to lower the political temperature amid the lead-up to the presidential election next week, President Joe Biden called on all deplorable garbage Nazis to tone down their rhetoric.
CINCINATTI, OH — After contemplating her options, local wife Marie Raynard finally selected a restaurant to eat at, but sadly she had taken so long to decide the heat death of the universe had already happened.
U.S. — After revelations that Tim Walz had a secret romantic relationship with the daughter of a Chinese Communist Party (CCP) official, Walz has assured voters that he never would have had an affair with her if he’d realized she was a woman.
NEW YORK — The crime wave continued in New York as cameras caught yet another man being mugged, this time right on the right field line in Yankees stadium.
CAROL STREAM, IL — The editing department of the publication formerly known as Christianity Today has confirmed that the magazine has officially changed its name to You Do You Today.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The upcoming presidential election took an interesting turn when, in a devastating blow to Democrats, the United States Supreme Court ruled today in favor of following the law.
U.S. — In a bizarre sight, tens of millions of garbage bags have been reported gathering outside polling stations across America, eager to cast their vote for former President Donald Trump.
U.S. — With the first Tuesday of November quickly approaching, the entirety of the nation’s population took solace in the fact that no matter who wins the election, the political text messages would stop.
OVERLAND PARK, KS — A local woman reveled in her secret exercise of freedom today and breathed a sigh of relief after voting for Donald Trump in the privacy of her voting booth away from the watchful eye of her creepy feminist husband.
You should be well aware by now that guns are the most dangerous things in existence today, narrowly edging out Donald Trump supporters. But you may not know all of the worst things about guns.
BROKEN BOW, NE — Local wife and mother Dana Fallcrest is baffled by the behavior of her home’s heater, which she says keeps shutting off as soon as it hits 140°F.
NEW YORK CITY, NY — Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez accused her boyfriend of doing yet another ‘Mini January 6th’ again this week after the congresswoman found his socks on the floor.
KANSAS CITY, KS — Referees at a recent Chiefs game were reportedly less than thrilled to find that an NFL football game kept interrupting their penalty calls.
ISRAEL — A local father recently displayed inspiring, unconditional love by welcoming back his son who had asked for his inheritance early so that he could blow it on Fortnite V-Bucks.
NEW YORK, NY — Socio-political experts hailed the tremendous cultural progress that was made at Madison Square Garden this weekend, as former President Donald Trump held the most ethnically diverse and pro-Israel Nazi rally in history.
LAS VEGAS, NV — During a campaign event in which he played on a live Twitch stream with Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, vice presidential candidate Tim Walz was heard asking which button to press in Madden to make players slap each other’s butts.
NEW YORK, NY — During a historic rally at Madison Square Garden, Donald Trump sat down and wowed audience members by completing a record-breaking speedrun of SpongeBob SquarePants: Battle for Bikini Bottom on the Xbox.
NEW YORK, NY — Amid the excitement of MAGA voters descending on Madison Square Garden, MSNBC condemned former President Donald Trump for holding a rally on the same planet where, 66 million years ago, an asteroid caused mass extinction.
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