GAZA — The few remaining terrorists keeping up the fight against Israel acknowledged their grim circumstances this week, as the three surviving members of Hamas started to think that maybe their October 7, 2023, wasn’t such a great idea.
U.S. — The results of a new study on violent video games appear to show that parents are concerned that non-violent video games are turning their kids into sissies.
CHICAGO, IL — As the city seeks to push back against President Donald Trump’s efforts to enforce immigration law, Chicago Mayor Brandon Johnson told his aides that he hoped their “ICE-Free Zones” would work a lot better than their “Gun-Free Zones.”
GRAND RAPIDS, MI — A new milestone in church history was in the verge of being reached this week, as the organist at St. Stephen Lutheran Church was reportedly close to figuring out what all those pedals and buttons are for.
Journalist Bari Weiss has taken over CBS news, which may be the end of journalism as we know it. Sources say she is already making aggressive changes to the network.
U.S. — In a brave act of judicial resistance to Trump’s executive tyranny, District Judge Karin Immergut has ordered the National Guard to shoot pepper spray into their own eyes.
INDIANAPOLIS, IN — Legal analysts were stunned by the severity of the penalty handed down in the wake of a weekend stabbing incident, as former NFL player Mark Sanchez was sentenced to five more seasons with the New York Jets.
NORFOLK, VA — State attorney general nominee Jay Jones was seen relaxing after a stressful day on the campaign trail by repeatedly stabbing his trusty Republican voodoo doll.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — America took yet another step away from destructive progressive policies and toward a new Golden Age today, as President Donald Trump signed an executive order mandating that the only musical act that can perform at the Super Bowl halftime show is Creed.
MANCHESTER, U.K. — Police in Great Britain are working to determine the motive of a man named Jihad Jewkiller who attacked a synagogue earlier this week.
VATICAN CITY — In a stunning scene this morning, Pope Leo activated his long-dormant ice powers and built a magical ice palace while belting out showtunes.
BOSTON, MA — The President of the Unitarian Universalist Association has come out strongly to reaffirm the denomination’s commitment to the belief that a man should not speak in church.
CANTON, MA — Dunkin’ Donuts announced Friday that its esteemed culinary team had made a major breakthrough and somehow found a way to make their donuts even worse.
MEDITERRANEAN SEA — Greta Thunberg and other members of the latest humanitarian flotilla sailing to Gaza were subjected to unspeakable cruelty by the Israeli Defense Forces, who kidnapped them and then gave them dry sub sandwiches with no mayo to eat.
LEAWOOD, KS — Following the release of her new album, singer-songwriter Taylor Swift reportedly sat down with her fiancé, football star Travis Kelce, to assure him that her hit new song “Dumb Hairy Football Jock” was not about him.
TULSA, OK — One local Conservative family announced this week that they would absolutely be canceling their Netflix account forever for the fifth time.
Netflix has come under fire recently for inserting trans content in its kids’ programming. IN response to the controversy, the streaming platform revealed plans to revamp its entire children’s section with new shows designed to win back angry parents.
HAYS, KS — Wednesday evening reportedly marked the 18th anniversary of local parent Wendy Sullivan assuring herself that she would finally get a good night’s sleep the following night.
MANCHESTER — The Crown Prosecution Service announced that charges had been filed against a Jewish synagogue on Thursday for provoking a violent terrorist attack against themselves by being openly Jewish.
KIGOMA CITY — After news broke this week that the renowned primatologist and conservationist had passed away at the age of 91, a large group of chimps honored Jane Goodall with a 21-poo salute.
HOLLYWOOD, CA — Film industry analysts said that James Cameron’s Avatar franchise may not be a film franchise at all, but a clever multi-million dollar money laundering scheme.
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