SATIRE – ‘You Can’t Be Pro-Insurrection And Pro-American,’ Says President Of Nation Founded By An Insurrection
The Babylon Bee - Jul 27th 2022 1:01pm EDTWASHINGTON, D.C. — The president shot back at what he called “Super Duper Ultra MAGA Turbo Titans” Monday as he claimed “you can’t be pro-insurrection and pro-American” despite being the commander in chief of a nation founded by an insurrection.
SATIRE – Op-Ed: Hey Man, How’s It Going? Please Don’t Remove Your Debit Card—REMOVE DEBIT CARD NOW HOLY SMOKES WHY HAVEN’T YOU REMOVED YOUR DEBIT CARD YET WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
The Babylon Bee - Jul 27th 2022 12:18pm EDTHey man, how’s it going? Thank you for shopping with us today, we appreciate your business during these troubling times. Now if you don’t mind just go ahead and leave your debit card inserted.
SATIRE – Update: Introvert Still Following You Explaining What Being An Introvert Means
The Babylon Bee - Jul 27th 2022 11:11am EDTBARTLESVILLE, OK — Reporters on the ground say your introverted friend is still following you around, persisting in telling and re-telling what it means to be an introvert.
SATIRE – Pope Prepares For Meeting With Elizabeth Warren
The Babylon Bee - Jul 26th 2022 6:15pm EDTWASHINGTON, D.C. — Pope Francis donned a traditional Cherokee Indian headdress this week in preparation for a meeting with Native American Congresswoman Elizabeth Warren.
SATIRE – Man Hangs ‘Straight Pride’ Flag On Doorposts So Monkeypox Will Pass Over
The Babylon Bee - Jul 26th 2022 5:55pm EDTCOVINGTON, LA — With the monkeypox virus plague tearing its way through gay bathhouses and teachers’ lounges across the country, one desperate man hung a “straight pride” flag on his doorposts in hopes that the plague will pass over his household.
SATIRE – 10 Great Excuses For Not Reading Your Bible
The Babylon Bee - Jul 26th 2022 5:06pm EDTBrought to you by:
SATIRE – Scholars: In Lieu Of Hell, Unbelieving Introverts Will Be Sent To A Business Networking Event That Lasts Forever
The Babylon Bee - Jul 26th 2022 2:45pm EDTGENEVA — A panel of Bible scholars has issued a joint statement about what the afterlife holds for unbelieving introverts. The international panel of academics has confirmed that instead of hell, unsaved wallflowers will be sent to an eternal business networking event.
SATIRE – Tasmanian Devil Continues To Disappoint Zoo Guests
The Babylon Bee - Jul 26th 2022 1:17pm EDTSAN DIEGO, CA — Visitors to the world-famous San Diego Zoo continue to be disappointed by the Tasmanian devil, say zoo officials.
SATIRE – Teachers Worried Their Gay Students May Regress And Turn Straight Over Summer Break
The Babylon Bee - Jul 26th 2022 1:09pm EDTPORTLAND, OR — A recent poll suggests 90% of teachers are worried their gay students may regress and turn straight over summer break. Most students had embraced their queer identities after being immersed in queerness around the clock for the entire school year. Now, those students are trapped with their bigoted, traditional parents who may […]
SATIRE – GOOD NEWS: A Beloved Franchise Of Yours Is Becoming A Movie Or Show BAD NEWS: It’s 2022
The Babylon Bee - Jul 26th 2022 12:14pm EDTU.S. — Thousands upon thousands of fans have come together in celebration that their beloved franchise is finally being adapted into a live-action series. Unfortunately, they all forgot it’s the year 2022, and they don’t make them how they used to.
SATIRE – Joe Biden Signs ‘Don’t Say Recession’ Bill
The Babylon Bee - Jul 26th 2022 10:43am EDTWASHINGTON, D.C. — President Joe Biden has just signed a bill into law prohibiting everyone in America from using the word “recession.” The Economic Integrity Protection Act — also known as the “Don’t Say Recession” bill — now threatens to punish any American with the full force of the law for simply uttering the word […]
SATIRE – Woman Leaves 99 Perfectly Good Parking Spots In Search Of The 1 That’s Likely Taken
The Babylon Bee - Jul 25th 2022 5:53pm EDTRENO, NV — Local woman Catherine Mayfield displayed her Christlike love for all parking spaces by driving past the other 99 perfectly good spots in search of the one closer to the front that is most likely already taken.
SATIRE – Here Are The 7 Biggest Reveals From This Year’s Comic-Con
The Babylon Bee - Jul 25th 2022 5:32pm EDTBrought to you by: Public Square
SATIRE – Trump Proposes Constitutional Amendment So He Can Run As His Own Vice President in 2024
The Babylon Bee - Jul 25th 2022 4:09pm EDTPALM BEACH, FL — This week, former President Donald Trump called on Congress to propose and ratify a 28th amendment to the constitution. The amendment would allow for him to serve as his own Vice President if re-elected President in 2024.
SATIRE – Scientists Unveil Periodic Table Of Genders
The Babylon Bee - Jul 25th 2022 3:00pm EDTU.S. — The nation’s leading scientists unveiled a new periodic table of genders to help everyone keep track of the evolving gender spectrum. Experts are recommending the table be rolled out to schools across the nation and added to each state’s curriculum for grades 9-12.
SATIRE – Al Gore Dresses Up Like Swedish Teen Girl So People Will Listen To Him Again
The Babylon Bee - Jul 25th 2022 1:04pm EDTNASHVILLE, TN — Former Vice President and climate activist Al Gore has had trouble in recent years getting people to listen to his dire warnings about the coming climate apocalypse. In a last-ditch effort to make people notice him again, he is now touring the country dressed as a teenage girl from Sweden. Powered by […]
SATIRE – Woman Terrified She May Have To Actually Use One Of The Dozens Of Cheap, Readily Available Methods of Birth Control In Post-Roe America
The Babylon Bee - Jul 25th 2022 12:26pm EDTGRAND RAPIDS, MI — Thousands of women around the country are being forced to face a terrifying new reality in which they actually have to use one of the dozens of cheap, readily available methods of birth control In post-Roe America.
SATIRE – Those Who Fled California Begin Grumbling In 105-Degree Texas Heat: ‘It Would Be Better For Us To Go Back To Slavery Under Pharaoh Newsom!’
The Babylon Bee - Jul 25th 2022 10:56am EDTWACO, TX — After a steady exodus of people fleeing to Texas to escape oppression under Governor Gavin Newsom’s rule, there has been a sudden outcry for a return to the ‘coastal paradise’ amid rising temperatures in the Lone Star State.
SATIRE – Woman’s Work-For-Home Business Pitch Contains Concerning Number Of Assurances It’s Not A Pyramid Scheme
The Babylon Bee - Jul 24th 2022 2:33pm EDTSHREVEPORT, LA — During a meeting about an “exciting opportunity”, Emily Levin became progressively more anxious as her old high-school friend Taylor Selick continued to assure her that this work-from-home business was not, in fact, a pyramid scheme.
SATIRE – I.T. Guy Miraculously Fixes 10 Employees’ Laptops But Only 1 Returns To Say Thank You
The Babylon Bee - Jul 24th 2022 12:43pm EDTCUPERTINO, CA — Humble PC technician Crisanto Peralta at Future Products Inc. was disheartened Thursday when he fixed the laptops of ten employees, but only one returned to say thank you.
SATIRE – Cheney, Kinzinger Confident They Nailed MSNBC Tryout
The Babylon Bee - Jul 23rd 2022 5:04pm EDTWASHINGTON, D.C. — With the first round of January 6th hearings coming to a close, Representatives Adam Kinzinger and Liz Cheney are feeling great about their audition to become MSNBC anchors.
SATIRE – Eight Biggest Unanswered Questions From The Jan 6th Hearings
The Babylon Bee - Jul 23rd 2022 2:32pm EDTThe January 6th hearings ended in epic fashion, with America finally learning that Senator Josh Hawley runs like a total girl. Still, we came away from season one with several unanswered questions:
SATIRE – Toddler Waits Patiently To Vomit Until 5 Minutes Before Parents’ Date Night
The Babylon Bee - Jul 23rd 2022 12:21pm EDTSHREVEPORT, LA — Plans for a relaxing date night were dashed upon the rocks of parenthood Thursday when Sam and Jen Goldwind witnessed 2-year-old Daenerys vomit just five minutes before leaving. Early reports indicate that the child had patiently waited to vomit until precisely the right moment in a ruse to keep her parents home. […]
SATIRE – Coming Soon: The Babylon Bee Guide to Democracy!
The Babylon Bee - Jul 22nd 2022 6:22pm EDTBehold: the latest book in the illustrious Babylon Bee Guide series, The Babylon Bee Guide to Democracy! This bad boy comes out September 6, but you can preorder it now on Amazon or right here in The Babylon Bee Store!
SATIRE – Biden Vows To Power Through Illness And Continue Ruining Country Over Zoom
The Babylon Bee - Jul 22nd 2022 5:35pm EDTWASHINGTON, D.C. — President Joe Biden released a short video message to the American people in which he vowed to power through his mild Coronavirus symptoms and continue ruining the country over Zoom.