There comes a time in every child’s life when they begin to assert their autonomy and freedom from the shackles of their upbringing: classic teenage rebellion! But how does one rebel against a set of radical progressive parents for whom morality is relative and degeneracy is celebrated? Not easy!
LOS ANGELES, CA — Singer-songwriter Demi Lovato declared herself nonbinary and adopted the use of “they/them” pronouns last year, and has made waves again this week by adopting the “she/her” pronouns that she originally had. According to sources, she made this decision when her car’s tire went flat on the I-5 freeway.
So often we find ourselves eager to see a new episode of Stranger Things. We will immediately drop whatever it is we are doing, cancel plans, and sit for hours watching closely, hanging on every word. But the thought occurred to me: why aren‘t we searching for SPIRITUAL THINGS?!
HEAVEN — After living a life of poverty famously dedicated to evangelization, Saint Anthony asked God today what on earth he did to now deserve an eternity of looking around for people’s keys and cell phones.
SOUTH BEND, IN — After finding herself unnecessarily upset about a thoughtful critique from her husband regarding her shoe collection and a dearth of closet space, dutiful wife Clarissa Zwygart was able to calm down after her husband wisely counseled her to calm down.
SODOM AND GOMORRAH — Both the city of Sodom and the city of Gomorrah have declared a state of emergency immediately in response to the Monkeypox outbreak. The cities are now providing all the resources they can so citizens can continue their orgies without interruption.
YOUNTVILLE, CA — Just hours after California Governor Gavin Newsom declared a state of emergency to slow the spread of the monkeypox virus, he was photographed attending an orgy at The French Laundry, the same upscale restaurant where he dined during the COVID lockdowns last year.
GATES OF HE’LL — After an autocorrect error slipped through in the sorting of souls, thousands of the damned were accidentally sent to he’ll for eternity.
OCEANSIDE, CA — A local man has been taken up directly to heaven after managing to miraculously stop a gas pump exactly on the “.00” while filling up his car, sources say.
LAGUNA NIGUEL, CA — Authorities announced their arrival at the home of Blake Blertherberg with a terse knock on his front door. They were there to confiscate his man card after he had called a handyman to fix a faucet, like the sad excuse for a man he is.
Biden’s two years into his presidency, blowing through all expectations of how long he would live after his inauguration. How does he stack up with Trump? Let’s take a look at this comprehensive side-by-side comparison:
KABUL — Biden is demanding answers after a precision drone strike in Afghanistan actually killed a real terrorist leader named Ayman al-Zawahiri instead of a car full of innocent children, as is tradition.
SIOUX FALLS, SD — According to sources, local married couple Keith and Rebecca Powell can’t decide what they want to eat for dinner, and have each decided to ask one another what they want for dinner over and over until they both starve.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Congressional Republicans face a difficult choice this week, as Democrats have introduced a bill to save puppies but attached billions in unrelated spending. Conservatives may propose amendments, but hesitate to oppose the bill since it is named “If You Don’t Vote For This You Hate Puppies.”
ATLANTA, GA — In an effort to better serve his loyal audience, comedian-producer-writer-actor-entertainer-singer-songwriter-supermarket customer-congressional lobbyist-world conqueror Tyler Perry has announced the launching of his own Madea+ streaming service.
BATTLE MOUNTAIN, NV — Wife and stay-at-home mom Maria Bruciato began preparing Sunday dinner by opening her recipe book, pulling out required ingredients, and quietly disabling all of the smoke alarms in the house.
MOSCOW — After months of singlehandedly raising America’s gas prices without any help whatsoever from the Biden administration, Russian President Vladimir Putin has mercifully given Americans a short break by lowering the price at the pump. For his benevolence and valor, he has awarded himself the Presidential Medal of Freedom.
CLEVELAND, OH — After months of deliberation over allegations of sexual harassment and assault, the NFL came down hard on Deshaun Watson today by sentencing him to three whole seasons of playing for the Cleveland Browns.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — House Speaker Nancy Pelosi has been forced to cancel her planned flight to Taiwan after China announced they have developed deadly surface-to-air vodka-seeking missiles.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a brief address to the nation after once again testing positive for COVID, President Biden warned that we are now in a pandemic of the “quadruple vaccinated.”
GALILEE — Local fishermen Peter and Andrew were deeply disappointed to discover today that Jesus was not, in fact, going to teach them to catch humans with giant novelty fish hooks.
HENDERSON, NV — Tough, independent woman Maggie Stallings once again told her husband today that he absolutely must leave the toilet seat down or she will actually fall into the commode.