SATIRE – Pileup At All-Female Tour De France After Woman In Front Stops To Ask For Directions
The Babylon Bee - Jul 30th 2022 4:08pm EDTFRANCE — A spectacular crash at the Tour de France Femmes, the first-ever all-female Tour de France event following the main race, was reportedly caused by the woman in front stopping to ask for directions.
SATIRE – 11 Woke Changes Coming to Grand Theft Auto
The Babylon Bee - Jul 30th 2022 12:28pm EDTJust when you thought the woke monster couldn’t add another victim, it took down one of its most surprising targets yet: the Grand Theft Auto franchise. How, exactly, does a game that already mines the depths of human depravity turn itself woke? Here are 11 woke changes coming with the release of Grand Theft Auto […]
SATIRE – Boomer Begins Voicemail By Listing Off All The Information Your Phone Already Provided
The Babylon Bee - Jul 30th 2022 9:30am EDTHUNTINGTON, NY — Local woman Christine Upton listened patiently this morning to a voicemail from her boomer father, who spent the first thirty seconds carefully listing information her phone had already provided.
SATIRE – Democrats To Try Bold Strategy Of Doing Exactly What Got Us Into This Mess In The First Place
The Babylon Bee - Jul 30th 2022 9:28am EDTWASHINGTON, D.C. — After a year of deliberation on how to address rapid inflation and a shrinking economy, Democrats have at last landed on the bold strategy of doing the same exact things that helped land us in this mess to begin with.
SATIRE – Persecution Report: Woman Places Bible Verse-A-Day Calendar On Desk At Work And No One Has Asked About It
The Babylon Bee - Jul 29th 2022 6:49pm EDTKNOXVILLE, TN — Local woman Carol Hughes is being blatantly persecuted for her faith while at work. After she placed a flowery, verse-a-day calendar on her office desk earlier today, not a single person has commented on it in any way, shape, or form.
SATIRE – White House Hires ‘This Is Fine’ Dog As New Press Secretary
The Babylon Bee - Jul 29th 2022 6:36pm EDTWASHINGTON, D.C. — Citing the candidate’s qualifications at assuring everyone that everything is fine even when entire rooms are burning down around him, the White House has hired the This Is Fine Dog as its new press secretary.
SATIRE – CDC Declares Gay Orgies An ‘Essential Activity’
The Babylon Bee - Jul 29th 2022 6:15pm EDTATLANTA, GA — The CDC has updated its list of essential and non-essential activities during a pandemic or outbreak, adding “gay orgies” to the “essential” category.
SATIRE – Tragic Report Finds Billions Of People Around The World Are Not Currently Playing ‘Chrono Trigger’
The Babylon Bee - Jul 29th 2022 5:28pm EDTWORLD — A tragic new study has found that the vast majority of humanity – nearly 8 billion people – are not currently playing Square Enix’s classic JRPG Chrono Trigger.
SATIRE – Congress Enjoys America’s Favorite Pastime Before Returning To Work To Destroy America’s Future
The Babylon Bee - Jul 29th 2022 4:45pm EDTSATIRE – Democrats Quickly Redefine ‘Loss’ After Losing Congressional Baseball Game
The Babylon Bee - Jul 29th 2022 4:36pm EDTWASHINGTON, D.C. — Democrats quickly issued a redefinition of the word “loss” after getting stomped in the congressional baseball game by the Republicans, who shut out the Democrats 10-0.
SATIRE – Climate Change Is Real. Here Are 10 Undeniable Proofs
The Babylon Bee - Jul 29th 2022 2:47pm EDTAs we swelter in the dog days of summer, even crotchety ol’ Grandpa Silas is starting to wonder if there might be something to this “climate change” thing after all. Well, we here at The Babylon Bee dug into the research and – to our great shock – ended up discovering ten absolutely undeniable proofs […]
SATIRE – Dave Ramsey Suffers Heart Attack After Learning How Much One Family Spends On DoorDash Every Month
The Babylon Bee - Jul 29th 2022 2:30pm EDTFRANKLIN, TN — Dave Ramsey has been rushed to the hospital while recording his show this week after a caller revealed his family spends over $1,000 on DoorDash food delivery every month.
SATIRE – Government That Shut Down Businesses, Parks, Schools, Beaches, And Churches For 2 Years Says There’s Nothing We Can Do To Stop A Disease Spread By Gay Sex
The Babylon Bee - Jul 29th 2022 1:58pm EDTU.S. — The government that shut down beaches, parks, churches, schools, birthday parties, restaurants, retail shops, bars, cafes, skate parks, funerals, and hundreds of other locations, gatherings, and events across the country to slow the spread of COVID-19 announced Friday that there is “absolutely nothing we can think of” that would help slow the spread […]
SATIRE – Army Unsure Why Their New Slogan ‘America Is Racist, You Should Die For It’ Isn’t Getting Traction
The Babylon Bee - Jul 28th 2022 7:33pm EDTFORT FARRAKHAN, CA — A U.S. Army spokesperson admitted concern today after the recent drop in recruitment numbers, despite the unveiling of the new “America Is Racist, You Should Die For It” slogan.
SATIRE – 10 Great Ways To Reverse The Recession
The Babylon Bee - Jul 28th 2022 6:40pm EDTBrought to you by Young Americans for Liberty
SATIRE – Are We In A Recession? A Handy Flowchart
The Babylon Bee - Jul 28th 2022 6:17pm EDTApparently, the U.S. economy is in a recession right now, but who knows? We’re told by experts that recessions are bad, so it’s important to know whether you’re in one. Fortunately, our experts put together this handy flowchart to help you figure it out!
SATIRE – Sneaky Parents Dress Son Up As A Girl On First Day Of School So Teachers Will Show Him How To Be A Boy
The Babylon Bee - Jul 28th 2022 5:41pm EDTPORTLAND, OR — Local parents Cindy and Bob Conners have devised a clever plan to protect their son from gender indoctrination at school. During the first week, they are dressing up their 7-year-old son as a girl so that teachers will encourage him to challenge gender stereotypes and act like a boy.
SATIRE – Infographic: Words Redefined By The Biden Administration
The Babylon Bee - Jul 28th 2022 3:54pm EDTThe Biden administration came out today and announced that a recession is not a recession. This isn’t the first time the current White House has redefined words, however.
SATIRE – White House Reassures America That Biden Is Doing Better: Slept Well, Ate His Breakfast, Had A Full Diaper
The Babylon Bee - Jul 28th 2022 2:42pm EDTWASHINGTON, D.C. — After a COVID scare last week, administration staff are reassuring the country that President Biden is on the mend. According to White House coordinator Dr. Ashish Jha, the President slept well, ate his breakfast, and had a full diaper this morning.
SATIRE – 10 Sunday School Songs Updated To Be More Inclusive
The Babylon Bee - Jul 28th 2022 1:11pm EDTEven with the COVID-19 restrictions lifted, Americans have been slow to return to church. Churches need to appeal to a broader, more diverse population if they hope to compete! To that end, here are some woke Sunday School songs that children and their woke parents will love:
SATIRE – Biden: ‘I Don’t Know If We’re In A Recession, I’m Not A Biologist’
The Babylon Bee - Jul 28th 2022 11:46am EDTWASHINGTON, D.C. — America’s GDP has fallen over the last two quarters, stoking fears of a possible recession due to the fact that America is now in a recession. When asked whether the U.S. is now in a recession, Biden answered that he wasn’t qualified to answer, as he doesn’t have a biology degree. Powered […]
SATIRE – Gamers Frustrated By New Playable Female Grand Theft Auto Character Constantly Running Over Curbs
The Babylon Bee - Jul 27th 2022 6:52pm EDTNEW YORK CITY, NY — Rockstar Studios’ upcoming Grand Theft Auto 6 has already created a splash with news that it will feature the series’ first female Latina protagonist. However, gamers are reportedly wary following reports that the character constantly runs over curbs while racing through the fictional Vice City, making the game impossible to […]
SATIRE – 11 Pick Up Lines For Libertarians To Use If They Ever Meet A Girl
The Babylon Bee - Jul 27th 2022 6:05pm EDTEven the staunchest libertarians deserve love. So throw away the pot you only smoke out of principle and take a shower, you son of liberty! You’re going to need to put a little effort into a girl if you ever find one.
SATIRE – Man On Diet Enjoys 23rd Consecutive Cheat Day
The Babylon Bee - Jul 27th 2022 4:37pm EDTCOEUR D’ALENE, ID — Local dieter Christopher Woodleburk congratulated himself on sticking to his diet routine by enjoying his 23rd consecutive cheat day.
SATIRE – Top Alternative Words To Use When You Can’t Say ‘Groomer’
The Babylon Bee - Jul 27th 2022 4:01pm EDTBig Tech is cracking down! Facebook and Tik Tok have already banned the use of the word “groomer”, and this week Twitter followed suit, evidently perceiving “groomer” as a slur on the LGBTQ+ community. If you’re concerned that people who normalize sexualizing young children plan to escalate into more sinister activities, you still need a […]