ATHENS, GA – Georgia gubernatorial candidate Stacey Abrams shocked Americans this week when she insisted we need abortion because “having children is why you’re worried about the price of gas.” She later followed up her comments by reminding everyone they can reduce their bills to zero by just killing themselves.
NAIROBI — As the movement for greater diversity in sports continues to sweep the globe, the famed Kenyan marathon team has come under fire with experts sounding the alarm over the team’s glaring lack of racial diversity.
CUPERTINO, CA — Apple, Inc. has once again astounded customers and shareholders alike by releasing new Airpods that conveniently come with one already lost for you.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — With Ketanji Brown Jackson joining a growing number of women on the United States Supreme Court, Justice Clarance Thomas has taken to wearing noise-canceling headphones to help drown out the incessant chatter.
HELL — A spokesperson for Hell has rejected Biden’s claim that the US economy is “strong as hell.” Jay Rogers, Press Secretary for Satan, strongly criticized Biden’s comparison of the US economy’s strength to the underworld.
KRONENWETTER, WI — While printing out coloring pages for his kids, local man Struthers Gabblestein found himself buying a new computer game that he will have time to play when he retires at age 85.
U.S. — In response to overwhelming feedback, Disney has announced a new vacation package in which families pay $3,000 to not visit any Disney theme parks. Currently, only Disneyland in Anaheim and Disney World in Orlando are covered under the new ticketing option. Fans are still required to visit Disneyland Paris.
NASHVILLE — Best-selling children’s book author Matt Walsh was rocked by controversy Tuesday after the FBI announced the seizure of over 48GB of anime from his computer. Walsh, who previously described anime as ‘satanic’, could not be reached for comment because he was binge-watching Chainsaw Man, a show about a man who can turn parts […]
TAMPA BAY, FL — Quarterback Tom Brady is growing increasingly frustrated with his offensive line after they once again failed to protect him in a brutal loss to the Steelers. Frustration changed to suspicion, however, after Brady’s ex-wife Gisele was seen in a seedy alleyway slipping Bucs offensive line players wads of cash. Powered by […]
PHILADELPHIA, PA — The Dallas Cowboys lost on the road to the Philadelphia Eagles over the weekend, but most of the team is reporting waves of relief to learn that the chorus of boos they heard the entire time was not for them, but for the honorary Captian for the coin toss, Jill Biden. Powered […]
Polling data shows that Democrats have a chance of losing both chambers of Congress. But it’s not all doom and gloom! Democrats have some noteworthy achievements under their belt that they can cite to remind Americans why they should stay in power.
U.S. — Intrest in Drag Queen Story Hour has declined drastically across the country after several libraries chose to more accurately name them “Man-Wearing-Lingerie-Wants-To-Spend-Time-With-Your-Kids Hour.”
PARIS — According to experts in neoclassical art and surrealism, a piece by the legendary artist Jackson Pollock was vandalized by climate activists in Paris and no one even noticed.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — With holiday festivities gearing up in the nation’s capital, sources in the White House confirmed that First Lady Jill Biden has chosen her Halloween costume, which will include a white lab coat and stethoscope to make her look like a real doctor.
BRUSSELS — In response to Russian Dictator Vladimir Putin’s war with Ukraine resulting in the deaths of tens of thousands of soldiers and civilians, the European Union has unanimously voted to designate Putin “a real jerk.”
ALBUQUERQUE, NM — Local man Jason Malone was disappointed to learn that his impressive Super Smash Bros skills have not really been considered during several recent interviews. He reports that after three interviews, no prospective employers have seemed impressed by his incredible game-playing ability.
EGYPT — Moses delivered the Lord’s command to Israel that every family must gather a double portion of Chick-fil-A on Saturday, knowing that none may be gathered on the Sabbath.
COLUMBIA, SC — Local man Alex McIlvaine stumbled upon the brilliant idea today of adding a little sign to his cigar humidor that reads “Smokeable essential oils.”
PEORIA, IL — Rather than going through the unmitigated awkwardness of sharing the gospel with his coworker Brad, local man Dave Cannon has instead quit his job and become a missionary to a remote village in Africa.
AMMAN, JORDAN — New evidence uncovered by researchers at the University of Jordan sheds new light on the scriptural tale of Jacob wrestling the Angel of the Lord. Scholars now believe the epic wrestling match ended after Jacob performed a wicked powerbomb, forcing the angel to tap out.
