WASHINGTON, D.C. — Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, star congressghost and the world’s smartest socialist, revealed today that ghost has been using ghost/ghostself pronouns to refer to ghostself ever since ghost was murdered in the January 6 protests at the capitol building.
NEW YORK, NY — Local pipe fitting outside salesman Jason Quintana emailed his coworker Carl today to see if he’d been able to work up the most recent quarterly sales report for the big Etherton Pipeline account. But a few hours went by, and Quintana began to worry that Carl doesn’t check his email as […]
LONDON — Sources at the National Gallery revealed today that a self-portrait of Vincent van Gogh cut its own ear off so that it would no longer have to hear the anguished cries of climate change protesters tossing tomato soup on his masterpieces.
AUSTIN, TX — In a landslide victory during a special statewide referendum this week, Texans overwhelmingly voted to have a giant airship pick up Austin via tow cables and drop the city off in California.
KANSAS CITY, MO — In preparation for another grueling worship service, local pentecostal Sam Twibbins is loading up on a pre-workout concoction of whey protein, creatine, and beta-alanine for maximum gains and recovery.
Biden is warning of a coming nuclear apocalypse, but don’t worry! A thermonuclear war that wipes out most life on the planet wouldn’t be all bad! Let’s look at the bright side, shall we?
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Select Committee to Investigate the January 6th Attack on the United States Capitol™ may have stopped broadcasting on prime-time television, but sources reveal the committee is alive and well behind closed doors with an audience of stuffed animals and action figures they arranged in chairs.
U.S. — With inflation and consumer prices climbing faster than ever, Christians around the country are finding it easier than ever to stop storing up treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal.
DEARBORN, MI — After hundreds of Muslim parents attended a school board meeting to protest pornographic material in elementary school libraries, the DOJ and FBI leaped into action to make sure all parents in attendance were added to the No-Fly List.
BRUSSELS — Despite the uproar caused by revelations at a European Union hearing that the pharmaceutical giant rushed the COVID-19 vaccine out into use without testing it for preventing transmission, Pfizer executives were quick to backtrack and point out that they did, in fact, test the vaccine — on over five billion people. Powered by […]
PHILADELPHIA, PA — In his first TV interview since suffering a stroke earlier this year, Democratic candidate John Fetterman was asked if he still possessed the mental ability to serve as a United States Senator. Fetterman responded with an unequivocal “yes,” which he communicated with two eye-blinks, which is said to mean “yes.” Powered by […]
WASHINGTON, D.C — In a recent interview with CNN’s Jake Tapper, President Biden sat down to assure the nation that while a nuclear war is likely on the way, it will only be a “very slight.”
SANTA ROSA, CA — Tragedy struck the sporting world when an entire professional soccer team was killed after the team bus glided ever so slightly over a minuscule speedbump at 0.5 mph.
PHILADELPHIA, PA — Despite both candidates facing issues with voter enthusiasm, the race for the open senate seat in Pennsylvania has narrowed in recent weeks. Polling was showing Dr. Mehmet Oz catching up to John Fetterman until a head of cabbage entered the race and exceeded both candidates in popularity.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — A New York-based group of paranormal investigators known for hunting and trapping ghosts is now coming under fire from Democrats for voter intimidation.
FREDERICKSONBURGVILLE, SC — “Sometimes – sometimes I just wish I could go back.” Greg Fellman looks out the window as the morning drizzle slowly comes down, blanketing the grass with a gray sheen. He’s 37 years old. He has a wife and kids and a steady career; by all accounts, he’s been successful in life. […]
ISRAEL — Biblical scholars have at last uncovered a missing verse from the end of the book of Leviticus that reads: ‘So Anyway, All That To Say, Here’s A Killer Oatmeal Cookie Recipe’. Scholars now believe that this new verse puts the rest of the book into perspective as a lengthy buildup to how to […]
Hey, friend! I see you were just using evacuating your bowels — not that I was watching — so step right up and wash your hands. All you need to do is wave your hand and I’ll dispense some soap for you.
WASHINGTON, DC — Drawing great inspiration from his brief interview with rap artist and fashion designer Ye West, popular conservative political talk show host Tucker Carlson is preparing to release his first rap album.
Last week, PayPal released an “Acceptable Use Policy” that included a $2,500 fine for people who use their service involving “the sending, posting, or publication of any messages, content, or materials that…promote misinformation.” We scoured the rest of PayPal’s AUP and Terms Of Service, and you might be surprised at what else can incur a […]
WASHINGTON, D.C. — 2020 Democratic presidential candidate Tulsi Gabbard caused ripples in American politics Monday with the announcement that she is leaving the Democratic party. With this news, the title of hottest Democrat goes back to Nancy Pelosi.
SPOKANE, WA — During a powerful Sunday sermon delivered by her pastor, a local woman has come under deep spiritual conviction that her husband really needs to repent of his sins.
WASHINGTON, DC — In a speech given to a vast crowd of twelve, President Joe Biden officially declared “Make America Great Again” to be the three most dangerous words in the world.
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