OXFORD — One of the most well-known stories from the biblical gospels took on a whole new meaning this week, as a team of scholars revealed that they now believe the young rich man went away sad when Jesus told him to sell all his possessions because he had the Nintendo Power Glove.
SAN FRANCISCO, CA — New reports indicated that local homeless man John Brill politely yet firmly refused a passerby’s offer of free leftover marshmallow jello salad earlier today, despite having not eaten in several days.
PORTLAND, OR — A turkey that had previously been pardoned by former President Joe Biden four times was reportedly arrested in connection with a violent turkey murder.
U.S. — Authorities issued a public service announcement in time for the holiday season, reminding parents that if they leave their children home alone, they should ensure that they have access to plenty of paint cans, a blowtorch, and a cardboard cutout of Michael Jordan. In a pinch, a cardboard cutout of Shaquille O’Neal would […]
MOULTONBOROUGH, NH — To make the most of the Thanksgiving holiday, the Richardson family reportedly instituted helpful debate rules allowing for 2-minute speeches followed by a 1-minute rebuttal.
BOISE, ID — Members of a local family are holding out hope that this might finally be the year they get to see their Thanksgiving turkey explode in an epic fireball, just like in all those local news segments warning of the dangers of turkeys exploding in epic fireballs.
PLYMOUTH COLONY — The world’s first Thanksgiving holiday reportedly ended with hurt feelings as the local natives appeared to politely decline a serving of the Pilgrims’ world-famous homemade smallpox casserole.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Sources at the White House say that Marco Rubio spent a full hour and a half telling the other little guys at the Thanksgiving kids’ table how he himself brokered the Ukraine-Russia peace deal.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Trump’s seemingly bulletproof strategy of choosing lawyers exclusively based on bust size has not worked out nearly as well as anticipated.
BLOOMINGTON, MN — With Thanksgiving nearly here, local man Chad Erickson was reportedly eager to get back to his true passion as a mall Santa Claus and has already begun preparing for the gig by cutting off his ankle monitor.
INDIANAPOLIS, IN — Sources close to local man Bradley Mudd say that the 28-year-old is currently torn between learning a new board game and getting his PhD in quantum physics.
TULSA, OK — According to sources, the car radio was switched off after beloved but massively overplayed Christmas song “Santa Baby” came on the radio for the fifth time in the span of an hour.
CHICAGO, IL — A Chicago judge ruled this week that a man previously arrested 23 times for various crimes would be totally rehabilitated if let off the hook this time around.
SAN DIEGO, CA — What had started out as a perfectly enjoyable outing with friends turned sour today, as a local man’s nice day outdoors drinking with the boys kept getting interrupted by having to hit a little white ball.
CAPERNAUM — Residents of several nearby villages were abuzz with excitement this week, as the traveling carpenter-turned-teacher Jesus of Nazareth healed a demon-possessed man by taking away his smartphone.
CASTRO MARIM, PORTUGAL — According to sources, American tourist Debrah Thompson’s mood soured Monday after seeing her husband gaze in wonderment at the Guadiana International Bridge, knowing in her heart that he would never look at her like she was a cool suspension bridge.
MICHEL DELVING — According to the Gaffer, medical professionals published a paper linking the high rate of cancer among Hobbits to the smoking of pipeweed, a correlation he called “queer.”
CHICAGO, IL — Residents of the Windy City noticed that it was beginning to look a lot like Christmas these days, as the Chicago Police Department kicked off the holiday season by unveiling festive red and green crime scene tape.
LANSING, MI — Local woman Mildred Donavon reportedly impressed her friends and family this week when she brought home the world’s most effective and affordable alarm clock.
