WASHINGTON, D.C. — According to sources, the investigation into the assassination of Charlie Kirk is on hold while federal agents are currently deliberating whether or not to investigate a Discord channel called “Tranny Terrorist Murder Planning Committee”.
FEDERAL WAY, WA — Local wife Kristina Madsen was disappointed to learn over the weekend that her husband didn’t actually have “two tickets to the gun show” as he’d previously asserted.
EBENSBURG, PA — Local husband Bill Schafer was surprised to learn his debit card had been locked after the bank issued a fraud alert because his wife spent less than $100 at Target.
EBENSBURG, PA — Local husband Bill Schafer was surprised to learn his debit card had been locked after the bank issued a fraud alert because his wife spent less than $100 at Target.
JUDEA — New historical evidence may indicate that the prodigal son returned home after his father changed the Netflix password on him, according to scholars of the ancient world.
HOLLYWOOD — Comedian and horror auteur Jordan Peele announced his next project will be STICKS, a film where white people beat black people with sticks as a subtle metaphor for racism.
CHICAGO, IL — In what has been described as a disturbing “canceling” trend sweeping across social media, a local leftist was fired from her job simply for having a different opinion on whether conservatives should be murdered.
U.S. — As federal authorities launched investigations into alleged left-wing extremist groups in the wake of acts of political violence, sources revealed that McGruff the Crime Dog had been enlisted to go undercover in a furry terrorist cell.
U.S. — Reports from across the country reveal millions of Christian extremists gathered in groups this morning to pray for the people who want to kill them.
U.S. — Democrats have begun wondering if perhaps they should stop saying the sorts of things that assassins engrave on shell casings for when they murder people.
U.S. — Democrats have begun wondering if perhaps they should stop saying the sorts of things that assassins engrave on shell casings for when they murder people.
U.S. — The entirety of the American higher education system has officially been designated a terrorist organization by the United States federal government.
U.S. — The entirety of the American higher education system has officially been designated a terrorist organization by the United States federal government.
U.S. — In the days following the assassination of Charlie Kirk, universities across the country were quietly canceling their “Kill Conservatives 101” classes.
U.S. — In the days following the assassination of Charlie Kirk, universities across the country were quietly canceling their “Kill Conservatives 101” classes.
VAUX-SUR-SOMME — New evidence has led historians to suggest that Manfred von Richthofen — known as the “Red Baron” — briefly entertained the hope of someday having a line of frozen pizzas named after him as he was shot down in a World War I dogfight.
SALT LAKE CITY, UT — Officials from the Federal Bureau of Investigation held a congratulatory press conference on Friday to notify the public that the agency had successfully apprehended the man suspected of murdering conservative activist Charlie Kirk after the shooter turned himself in.
BLOOMINGTON, IL — Neighbors were impressed by local man Marcus Hardwick, who took the time to pass on generational knowledge to his son about how to change your car’s oil yourself, so it will take longer and cost more.
U.S. — Experts revealed that an estimated 12 million new Charlie Kirks had been created overnight following the murder of the conservative echelon earlier this week. The army of Charlie Kirks was said to be uniformly committed to continuing the original Kirk’s message and mission of hope and courage.
HEAVEN — According to heavenly sources, church pastors are officially exempt from all posted speeding limits and well within their rights to speed on the way to church.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Several prominent Democrats issued statements this week, condemning the recent assassination of a man who shared his opinion by saying there is absolutely no place for violence against evil Nazi Republicans who are literally killing people and destroying America.
U.S. — In the face of what seems at times to be overwhelming darkness, a new report suggested that millions of fathers throughout the country would be hugging their kids tighter today.
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