U.S. — Hours after the brutal assassination of conservative activist Charlie Kirk, Democrats rushed to forcefully condemn all the violence they incited.
TALLAHASSEE, FL — Termites in a home on 54th street were excited this morning as a shiny yellow and red tent was placed over the house they’ve been living in.
DENVER, CO — Authorities issued a public service announcement warning citizens to avoid smoking marijuana because it could lead to attending Colorado Rockies games.
SAN FRANCISCO, CA — Internet users were given another rare opportunity to play a role in the dissemination of agenda-driven misinformation, as the annual Wikipedia fundraiser said that for just $2.75, they could help censor the truth.
MEDITERRANEAN SEA — The international community is calling for investigations after Greta Thunberg reported that her humanitarian flotilla had suffered an unprovoked attack from a Jewish Space Laser.
With violent crime continuing to plague American cities, the time has come for truly radical measures. Here are seven ideas for extreme changes to make our cities safer:
U.S. — Facing heavy criticism for going easy on violent criminals, a group of Democrats sought to prove that they are tough on crime by proposing a bold new “100 Strikes and You’re Out” law.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Trump calmed an anxious world today with assurances that nothing bad has ever happened in the wake of a vicious dictator invading Poland.
Converting to a different faith can be intimidating, but when the pros outweigh the cons, it can be totally worth it. You just have to be aware of the benefits of making the switch.
U.S. — In the wake of multiple incidents of assault and murder on buses and trains across the country, safety-conscious passengers said they were donning full suits of crusader armor to ride public transit.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Trump once sent a “hot hunk” birthday card to former Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau, a new report from the House Oversight Committee alleges.
MEDITERRANEAN SEA — Terror struck a humanitarian mission on its way to Gaza, as the crew and passengers of the Global Sumud Flotilla reported a loud, jarring noise accompanied by a bright flash of light and heat, leading them to believe that doom was imminent.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — As national discourse continued to be centered around highly publicized violent crimes perpetrated on innocent victims, Democrats warned that surveillance videos perpetuate stereotypes by accurately depicting events.
LOS ANGELOS, CA — Could he be gay? Sources close to Jaxon Walsh think the 35-year-old may have just come out of the closet as homosexual, as Walsh just remembered his best friend’s birthday.
U.S. — The operations of a major candy manufacturer faced significant setbacks this week, as an ICE enforcement action at a chocolate factory reportedly nabbed 475 illegal Oompa Loompas.
NINEVAH — Eyewitnesses from Ninevah report that the entire wretched, depraved city was convicted and led to repent of its sin as Jonah quietly played the piano.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Trump announced the immediate deportation of the infamous “Phillies Karen,” a woman who complained until a baseball was taken from a child, to an El Salvador Prison.
GULF OF MEXICO — In a compromise intended to silence critics of the Trump Administration’s aggressive stance against drug traffickers, the U.S. Navy airdropped a public defender onto a drug boat to give cartel members due process.
RACINE, WI — Jim and Linda Stevenson were in for a shock at this year’s teachers’ meetings when their son’s third-grade teacher informed them of how responsible, respectful, and kind their child was while at school.
VALLEY OF ELAH — What should have been a joyous celebration following a decisive victory over the Philistines turned to controversy, as the young shepherd boy David was condemned for executing the giant Goliath of Gath without due process.
NEW YORK, NY — A major shakeup sent shockwaves across the NFL following the first week of the new season, as the league fired the officiating crew that allowed the Kansas City Chiefs to lose their season opener.
CHARLOTTE, NC — Democratic lawmakers responded to the fatal stabbing of a Ukrainian refugee aboard the Charlotte light rail be condemning all stabbing victims for inflating crime numbers.
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