WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Trump had been looking forward to releasing all of the Epstein files in accordance with Congress’s “Epstein Files Transparency Act”, but reported that a dog actually ate the files, the dog was then lost in a boating accident, and then the boat was struck with a nuclear warhead.
TULSA, OK — Fun was set to be had by everyone in a few local families this week, as a group of wives reached out to each other to schedule a playdate for their husbands.
LOS ANGELES, CA — Alyx Denton, a 6′ 4″ bearded man who enjoys dressing up in sparkly women’s clothing, explained that “Trans Awareness Week” was absolutely necessary or else he might go totally unnoticed.
Lots of people try to remake Jesus in their own image by viewing His life through the lens of their culture, but this is a remarkably offensive way to view the King of Kings. Unless you’re American. We spoke to actual theologians to discuss the validity of Jesus being an American and you won’t believe […]
SHAWNEE, KS — On the heels of the band’s new release of a thrashing version of the classic Christmas hymn “O Come, O Come Emmanuel,” a local grandma wondered why Skillet couldn’t just make nice, pretty songs riddled with false doctrine like normal Christian bands.
BREAKING — Authorities issued an urgent bulletin this morning, notifying the public to be aware that, due to this morning’s widespread internet outage, your uncle had been forced to go door-to-door to share fake news.
IRVINE, CA — In an attempt to draw in more members, New Hope Crosspointe Church introduced a new feature this past Sunday, allowing congregants to set the pastor to a 2x speaking speed so they can end the service faster and get back to their lives.
U.S. — According to sources, your mom just called because she desperately needs to talk to you. She needs you to come over and fix whatever she did to the TV.
PALO ALTO, CA — A startling new study out of Stanford University shows almost all graduating high school seniors in the U.S. are unable to recall the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow.
JERUSALEM — In a development which many see as an irrefutable sign of the impeding end times, biblical scholars and historians have reached a consensus that the Number of the Beast is actually 67.
MORRISTOWN, NJ — Drug manufacturer Bayer announced this week that they are releasing their popular Flintstones vitamins with added Ozempic to help slim down fat kids.
SILICON VALLEY, CA — AI has become more lifelike than ever before, say advance users of OpenAI’s new “Dad-GPT,” which responds to all queries with a simple “OK.”
You may think President Trump has little in common with Moses from the Old Testament, but you’d be wrong. The two are practically carbon copies of each other. Here are just eight of the ways that Trump is exactly like Moses:
OXFORD — After much deliberation, an international team of Bible scholars has recently determined that an alleged third letter of Paul to the Corinthians was rejected for being obviously AI-generated.
WORLD — In an event the likes of which haven’t been seen in decades, millions of people converted to Christianity after learning there is no Microsoft Teams in Christian Heaven.
ALEXANDRIA, VA — Inspired by the Trump White House’s move toward 50-year mortgages, popular burger chain Five Guys announced it would be addressing the ongoing “Five Guys Affordability Crisis” with convenient 50-year burger financing.
AUBURN HILLS, MI — Truck manufacturer Dodge unveiled new headlights today that would come standard with new models and were designed specifically to blast gamma ray bursts into your eyeballs.
FRAMINGHAM, MA — Going out in public during the holiday season without being overcome with the desire to shove an icepick in your ears will be possible once again this year, as Bose introduced its new Mariah Carey-canceling headphones just in time for Christmas.
U.S. — With the penny no longer being minted, shoe manufacturers announced that they were working hard to replace the old penny loafer slip-on shoe design with an exciting new nickel loafer.
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