BERLIN — The war having turned against him, Biden has reportedly taken a cyanide capsule in an underground bunker. Biden holed up here in hopes of living out his final days as it became increasingly clear that his Reich was crumbling under the pressure of the Allied forces. Biden’s forces were annihilated at the Battle […]
MOSCOW — Biden’s forces hit a major stumbling block Friday as they were unable to reach USSR’s capital of Moscow before the harsh Siberian winter weather hit. According to sources, Biden’s army is currently short of food, shelter, and other supplies, as the wet, snowy winter has shut down all overland travel. Additionally, Russian forces […]
BERLIN — Biden announced last evening the signing of the Tripartite Pact, a military alliance that solidifies the union of our nation’s military with those of Benito Mussolini’s Italian forces and Emperor Hirohito’s Empire of Japan. “We will be a great axis of nations,” Biden said as he pounded on his lectern during his announcement […]
PARIS — France surrendered to Biden Friday after a brutal battle that lasted minutes. While there was little resistance to the Biden regime, not all French leaders were eager to sign an armistice with Biden. French General Charles de Gaulle took to the radio to urge French citizens to continue the fight against Biden no […]
BERLIN — Biden has announced a “defensive war” against Poland, after claiming that Poland had acted as the aggressor and launched unprovoked attacks on the United States. Biden further said the war was necessary to liberate his citizens currently living in Poland, who are being “persecuted by terrorists who act friendly and wear red hats.” […]
BERLIN — Supreme Führer Joe Biden signed a nonaggression pact with Polish leaders while this morning, causing world leaders everywhere to breathe easy. “Wow, I guess he’s peaceful after all,” said French President Albert Lebrun. “What a relief!” The American-Polish declaration of non-aggression demonstrates to the world how desiring of peace Biden is, according to […]
GASPARILLA ISLAND, FL — Fox News personality and host of Tucker Carlson Tonight was informed by his doctor today that his look of befuddlement is permanent. Sources close to Mr. Carlson have confirmed that he had not heeded his mother’s admonition: “If you keep making that face, you’ll get stuck with it, young man!” Powered […]
U.S. — Amazon Prime subscribers can now “enjoy” the new big-budget television series The Lord of the Rings: The Rings of Power, delivered straight to their favorite streaming device. The show joins is the icing on the cake of junk that Amazon is currently sending to people’s homes every day.
U.S. — WNBA games are the last place on earth where a person can safely social distance, say infectious disease experts. As a result of these findings, the WNBA is enjoying a surge in its fanbase as tens of people flock to the games to get away from “germ-infested grandma killers.”
WASHINGTON, D.C. — After seven days refusing to explain how he will pay for the $500 billion student loan handout, President Biden finally revealed his plans to fund debt forgiveness while also combatting climate change by opening up his hand and showing the press three magic beans.
HOUSTON, TX — Governor Abbott has responded to the ongoing border crisis by bussing illegal immigrants to other parts of the country to see how they like it. The only problem is Abbott made the mistake of bussing some of them to Chicago and now everyone has now been shot.
WASHINGTON, DC — The world’s top climate change scientists were shocked by the recent discovery that the leading cause of global warming is actually an enormous, ongoing dumpster fire located at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave.
TEMECULA, CA — After a harrowing incident with an aggressive hobo last year, local man Kevin Michaels picked up a membership at a nearby boxing gym for regular training. Sources confirm he has thrown himself into building his skills and strength, and now wouldn’t even blink if attacked by a 60-lb heavy-bag, provided he had […]
Go back, in your mind, to the worst date you have ever had. There you are, using a napkin to tie a tourniquet around your leg under the table, trying desperately to take your mind anywhere but the inescapable train wreck unfolding in front of you. That’s the closest you can come to understanding what […]
SACRAMENTO — Governor Gavin Newsom announced Wednesday that he would be requiring all cars in the state of California to be fully wind-up by 2035. Experts agree that wind-up vehicles will put less strain on the state’s weak power grid and help cut back on childhood obesity.
BOSTON, MA — According to a study by the Institute for the Advancement of Birthing Persons (the IABP), there has been a steep increase in women delaying actual birthing until they are out of college, employed, settled down, infertile, and dead.
BETHESDA, MD — With 2022 midterm elections nearing, President Biden spoke at a Maryland political rally to an audience of thousands eager to see if he was still alive. The president’s speech was not without gaffes, however, and at one point a giant shepherd’s crook slowly emerged from offstage as he began another racist story. […]
U.S. — Engineers demonstrated a brand-new federally approved voting booth Friday that will showers money on occupants when they vote Democrat. The booth is reportedly part of a planned initiative by President Joe Biden to prevent future elections from being stolen.
WASHINGTON, D.C — Rumors are swirling after multiple sightings of the recently retired Chief Medical Advisor to the President, Dr. Fauci, in the back of dark allies. Witnesses claim that Dr. Fauci has been spotted wearing a trenchcoat and trying to hawk off vaccines to anyone nearby.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The U.S. government issued a statement vowing to find out who was responsible for giving out all of these predatory U.S. government loans that have caused so much financial harm to hard-working Americans.
U.S. — President Joe Biden was recently allowed out of his basement to give the American people an important, and timely message that they have no hope of overthrowing the government without any F-15s. The President insisted this, despite less than 2 years ago by his own account the government was in fact overthrown by […]
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