SALEM, OR — Foothill Unified School District has expelled student Casey Whitman after she hatefully held up a mirror to her teacher, Mx. Jen Littleton, reflecting Littleton’s deranged rant on gender identity, pronouns, and sex changes.
LILY CREEK, MI — Local man Frank Quincy is 33 years old but still pictures every character in the Bible as a talking vegetable, sources close to the man confirmed earlier this week.
Worried about your kids growing up to be Nazis? Plan some quality time with your family that will reinforce progressive ideas and cast aside the oppressive hands of the patriarchy!
SACRAMENTO, CA — California made headlines this week when the World Trade Organization confirmed that the state has a new chief export: residents moving to other states to seek a better life.
BALTIMORE, MD — Local PC Technician Todd Manfroy was singled out as a chump by his local community Wednesday after it was discovered he worked his way through college to avoid taking on student loan debt. As a result, the 32-year-old fool was unable to take advantage of President Biden’s recent student loan forgiveness plan. […]
NEW YORK, NY — New York Governor Kathy Hochul recently informed New York Republicans that they’re not welcome in her state. But lo, a chosen one of burnt papaya hue, Donald Trump, approached her and demanded that she let his people go. The Republicans’ punishments then worsened, with Hochul ordering that they have to make […]
LOS ANGELES — Rock and Roll Hall of Fame inductee Ozzy Osbourne says he is sick and tired of “freggle cong mazzer lo” and plans to exchange his fast-paced L.A. lifestyle for the peaceful green pastures of “Ghrizzah Hurgle Kroocy Breedle Boop.”
JERUSALEM — A group of young men who had just finished burying Ananias, a man stricken dead for lying to the Holy Spirit, became frustrated when they discovered they also had to bury his wife Sapphira. The men had reportedly just gotten out of the shower and put on clean clothes when they saw her […]
ROANOKE, VA — After local grandmother “Granny Mabel” liked a “Make America Great Again” minion meme on Facebook, she noticed an immediate increase in traffic on her rural one-way street. Sources confirm that her suspicion grew when a flower delivery van, plumbing van, and cable company van all parked across the street from her residence, […]
NEWARK, NJ — Critically acclaimed, larger-than-life star Lizzo, recently accepted her music video award at MTV’s VMAs. While doing so, the artist took the time to speak out about the systemic oppression of having to walk all the way down to this stage to accept an award she can’t even eat.
JERUSALEM — A popular YouTuber died suddenly on Monday while filming an unboxing video of the famed Ark of the Covenant. The sacred Jewish artifact, which had recently been discovered by archeologists in a cave outside Jerusalem, had been turned over to the Israel Antiquities Authority who recruited a Gen Z influencer to document the […]
ORLANDO, FL — NASA officials were forced to postpone the eagerly anticipated Artemis launch after discovering a female astronaut had failed to refuel the rocket following its last mission.
While today’s churches seem to have tons of positions and pastors for everything, in the Bible, there are only a few church offices outlined: elder, deacon, and sound guy. Each of these has lofty qualifications to ensure that the person who carries out these tasks is a godly man of character.
BATON ROUGE, LA — A rescue party going through the wreckage formerly known as the “First Baptist Baton Rouge Nursery” found an ominous note scrawled out, warning that “they are coming”.
HOUSTON, TX — Houston pastor Joel Osteen has released an exciting new study Bible where he has carefully gone through and redacted every single word of the text: The Redacted Study Bible.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — After a standout performance in the FBI’s latest work, Sharpie has landed a huge endorsement deal as the preferred highlighter of America’s federal agents.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — After Mark Zuckerberg leaked news that the FBI had instructed Facebook to censor posts about Hunter’s laptop, the FBI immediately called Zuckerberg to tell him to censor any posts about that censorship.
TOKYO — Pharmaceutical giant Pfizer has announced a new drug to fix the side effect from their last new drug, which was developed to fix the side effect from the one before that.
NEW YORK – Unknown last-minute entrant Novako Djomunoz has suddenly become the talk of the U.S. Open tennis tournament, showing world-class talent as he swept through qualifiers.
AKRON, OH — The Perry family made their annual appearance at Oak Hills Birthing Center this week, getting their punch card stamped for the sixth time — and now they’re just one more stamp away from getting a free delivery, according to sources.
BOCA RATON, FL — Authorities responded to a level 5 event in Boca Raton Friday after Ben Shapiro casually strolled through a Whole Foods Market, resulting in the death of thousands.
U.S. — The nation is reportedly facing yet another shortage under the Biden administration, this time on black printer ink. The culprit appears to be the affidavit justifying the search of Trump’s Mar-a-Lago home, as nearly the entire packet was redacted with black lines through just about everything the Justice Department typed up to support […]
DAYTON, OH — According to sources, local woman Grace Barton committed to reveal her most recent Target receipt to her husband by noon today, but when she submitted the document, almost every word and line item on the receipt was redacted with a thick black bar.
CAMBRIDGE, MA — Harvard University announced Friday that they have recruited U.S. Senator Elizabeth Warren to teach a class on why college is so expensive. Warren, who still has senatorial duties, will be teaching the course on a part-time basis for a modest fee of $400,000 per semester.
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