WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Joe Biden has just signed a bill into law prohibiting everyone in America from using the word “recession.” The Economic Integrity Protection Act — also known as the “Don’t Say Recession” bill — now threatens to punish any American with the full force of the law for simply uttering the word […]
RENO, NV — Local woman Catherine Mayfield displayed her Christlike love for all parking spaces by driving past the other 99 perfectly good spots in search of the one closer to the front that is most likely already taken.
PALM BEACH, FL — This week, former President Donald Trump called on Congress to propose and ratify a 28th amendment to the constitution. The amendment would allow for him to serve as his own Vice President if re-elected President in 2024.
U.S. — The nation’s leading scientists unveiled a new periodic table of genders to help everyone keep track of the evolving gender spectrum. Experts are recommending the table be rolled out to schools across the nation and added to each state’s curriculum for grades 9-12.
NASHVILLE, TN — Former Vice President and climate activist Al Gore has had trouble in recent years getting people to listen to his dire warnings about the coming climate apocalypse. In a last-ditch effort to make people notice him again, he is now touring the country dressed as a teenage girl from Sweden. Powered by […]
GRAND RAPIDS, MI — Thousands of women around the country are being forced to face a terrifying new reality in which they actually have to use one of the dozens of cheap, readily available methods of birth control In post-Roe America.
WACO, TX — After a steady exodus of people fleeing to Texas to escape oppression under Governor Gavin Newsom’s rule, there has been a sudden outcry for a return to the ‘coastal paradise’ amid rising temperatures in the Lone Star State.
SHREVEPORT, LA — During a meeting about an “exciting opportunity”, Emily Levin became progressively more anxious as her old high-school friend Taylor Selick continued to assure her that this work-from-home business was not, in fact, a pyramid scheme.
CUPERTINO, CA — Humble PC technician Crisanto Peralta at Future Products Inc. was disheartened Thursday when he fixed the laptops of ten employees, but only one returned to say thank you.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — With the first round of January 6th hearings coming to a close, Representatives Adam Kinzinger and Liz Cheney are feeling great about their audition to become MSNBC anchors.
The January 6th hearings ended in epic fashion, with America finally learning that Senator Josh Hawley runs like a total girl. Still, we came away from season one with several unanswered questions:
SHREVEPORT, LA — Plans for a relaxing date night were dashed upon the rocks of parenthood Thursday when Sam and Jen Goldwind witnessed 2-year-old Daenerys vomit just five minutes before leaving. Early reports indicate that the child had patiently waited to vomit until precisely the right moment in a ruse to keep her parents home. […]
Behold: the latest book in the illustrious Babylon Bee Guide series, The Babylon Bee Guide to Democracy! This bad boy comes out September 6, but you can preorder it now on Amazon or right here in The Babylon Bee Store!
WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Joe Biden released a short video message to the American people in which he vowed to power through his mild Coronavirus symptoms and continue ruining the country over Zoom.
GARDEN CITY, KS — Brethren Plumbers, a local plumbing operation known for shoddy work, has denied unethical use of religion in their business dealings despite having a business card prominently featuring an Ichthys, also known as a “Jesus fish.”
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Former Trump advisor Steve Bannon has been found guilty of contempt of Congress, which is one of the evilest crimes one can commit against Congress. While prosecutors expressed relief at the verdict, they also warned that there are still 330 Americans with extreme contempt for Congress who are still roaming around freely. […]
LOS ANGELES, CA — In a tearful apology last night, beloved political pundit Jimmy Kimmel apologized to the nation for allowing comedian Dana Carvey on his show to tell funny jokes.
U.S. — The January 6th Committee aired its final hearing last night revealing the shocking, disturbing truth that the January 6th hearings were still happening.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — After learning that the president had contracted the Coronavirus, Joe Biden quickly called up Barack Obama to wish him a speedy recovery.
CHICAGO, IL — Citizens of Illinois expressed excitement upon hearing that the Chicago streets will play a part in the 2023 NASCAR season. Unfortunately during the first event, one of the drivers was mugged at gunpoint by a Chicago criminal during an 11.2-second pit stop.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — According to sources within the White House, Kamala Harris is once again losing another staff member as her top aide is leaving the administration after taking a new job. Sabrina Singh, Harris’ current deputy press secretary and main speechwriter, has been poached by Sesame Street to write speeches for them instead. Powered […]
Hundreds of thousands of people are fleeing California for states like Texas and Florida, but it’s not always easy to adjust to life in an American state.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The January 6th Committee is urging Americans to stay tuned until the very end of the hearings, as there will be another very special bonus hearing after the credits roll.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — After testing positive for COVID today, President Biden immediately rushed out of the White House to go sniff one last little girl before losing his sense of smell.
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